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PLANET PROCTOR 2001
Volume 02

The "Heads" of Dubya's new
Military-Industrial Complex?


"We trade our dreams for what we call wisdom. I wonder if it is a good trade."
- Charles Dickens, "David Copperfield"



THE ANTAENS
WHO HAVE ALL THE PLUCK

   The Antaeus Company has garnered three nominations from the L.A. Weekly for our production of Arthur Miller's "The Man Who Had All the Luck" presented last year to rave reviews and national recognition at the Ivy Sub Station in Culver City, as Best Revival, Leading Male Performance (Paul Gutrecht), and Supporting Male Performance (Marcelo Tubert).
   The awards presentation will be held at the L.A. Theater Center on April 29th, and we'll all be there to accept our trophies. I only regret that our brilliant director and indeed, the man responsible for the reincarnation of this remarkable and unappreciated gem, was not specifically honored with a nomination of his own; so I'll do it: "Dan Fields - we love you."
   And our publicist Steve Moyer writes that "Luck" has been selected for Honorable Mention as "Production of the Year" for the Garland 2000 Awards by Back Stage West.
   Congratulations to (us) all!


   "President-elect George W. Bush edged out "Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling by a slim 23 vote margin among children for Time magazine's Person of the Year. Rowling called for a recount, claiming many of the children couldn't punch through the ballots using crayons."
- From Patty Paul


TOP TEN ITEMS
ON PRESIDENT BUSH'S TO-DO LIST

10) Hook up nuclear launch button to The Clapper.
  9) Authorize new presidential anthem: "Hail to the Chad."
  8) Message to Wheaties people: "Hey guys, how about it? My face, your box."
  7) Order copy of "Presidents for Dummies."
  6) Keep distance from Cheney . . . don't want to catch heart disease.
  5) Start mending fences with Democrats - Appoint Gore "Secretary of Losers."
  4) Avoid smoking any cigars left behind by Clinton.
  3) Deliver speech at inauguration: "I have a dream . . . then I wake up."
  2) As soon as possible, have transitional team meet with Martin Sheen.
  1) Now that all the bickering is over, gracefully bow out.


   "If Laura Bush wanted her gown to truly reflect the tone of this inaugural, she ought to have shoplifted it."
- San Francisco Chronicle, from Canyongirl


CRACK YOUR CHEEKS

   "Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other, two sisters who are prostitutes in Jersey City.
   "I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time 'working girl' in a brothel.
   "Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiance' and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her.
   "Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush?
   "Signed, Worried About My Reputation"


   "Hail To The Thief!" and "Putsch Is Not My President!"
- Bush protest signs


IT REALLY IS RELATIVE

   LA Times critic Jana J. Monji described Mark Stein's 'Relativity' as a "linguistic and emotional maze . . . [with] clever verbal twists and turns that subtly change like an Esher drawing . . . " While Pat Taylor of the Tolucan Times says, "Written with riotous dialogue and a wild imagination . . . this wacky, raunchy comedy gives family dysfunction a whole new dimension . . . The audience falls apart in laughter time and time again!
   "Under the fast paced, well timed, high energy direction of Patricia Lee Willson, the whole cast of five gives terrific performances . . . As Audrey, Melinda Peterson gives a hilarious and spirited performance . . . I laughed my bum off! This play is a total goof . . . a mind twisting, rollicking good time."
   Guess which critic got the message?
   'Relativity' plays Thursday through Saturdays til March 3 at The Third Stage, 2811 W. Magnolia Blvd. in Burbank. Call 818-842-4755, or email me with your number of reservations at $12 a person for the rapidly filling 'Groundhog Day' Theater Party, Friday, February 2nd and enjoy our after show wine-n-hog reception with Winter or Spring wine.


   "Civilization can, in a certain sense, be reduced to the word "Welcome."
- From Ken Burns PBS "JAZZ" series


WELL, DRINKS

   Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail . . . a woman's personality based on her drinks, and interviewed separately they concurred on almost all counts.
* Beer - Casual,low-maintenance, down-to-earth. Challenge her to a pool game.
* Blender Drinks - Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass. Avoid her unless you want to be her cabin boy.
* Mixed Drinks - Older, refined, high maintenance and very picky. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
* Wine (except White Zinfandel) - Conservative and classy; sophisticated, yet a giggler. Tell her you love travel and quiet evenings with friends.
* White Zinfandel - Thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually hasn't a clue. An easy target if you make her feel smarter than she probably is.
* Shots - Easiest hit in the joint. Likes to hang with frat-boys and get totally drunk and naked. Nothing to do but wait. (But don't make her mad!)

And the guys?

* Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
* Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
* Wine: He's hoping for a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
* Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
* Tequila: He's thinking he has a chance - with the toothless waitress.
* White Zinfandel: He's gay.
(From Dan2sevush)


   "When the free market rules in the world of art, you don't get Beethoven and Bach, you get Beavis and Butthead."
- Pieter Breitner


[Go to next column to continue reading]



DON'T STICK YOUR NECK OUT

   So this old guy says, "You know, this Bush? What he is, is a post turtle."
   His friend says, "What the hell's a post turtle?"
   "Well, let's say you're driving down a country road and you see a turtle balanced on a fence post. That's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down."
   The friend says, "Back in Texas, we'd just throw a rock at it."
(Garry Goodrow)


   "A resident reported seeing either a hawk or a hog on the telephone pole."
- From Los Alimitos News-Enterprise police log in Steve Harvey's "Only in L.A."


FIRST PUN OF THE THIRD MILLENNIUM

   A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named "Mace" who had the bad habit of eating all the grass on the lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace locked up, and the yard became overgrown.
   One day, while working on a car in his backyard as evening approached he dropped his wrench, which immediately disappeared in the tall grass. That very night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard.
   Early the next morning, the mechanic went outside and discovered his lost wrench glinting in the sunlight! Realizing what had happened he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
(From the cursed Gary Margolis)


   "Hell No, I'm Not A Stunt Driver! I'm Drunk!"
- Jerry Jeff Walker's bumper sticker


STILL DRIVING ME DAMM MADD!

   On the first of this month, 37-year-old Ira Member was innocently crossing the street when he was run over by a man trying to drive while squirting one of those little plastic packages of mayonnaise onto a rare roast beef sandwich.
   Seeking someone to share her grief, Ira's mother Mona attended a meeting of "Mothers Against Drunk Drivers" (or MADD) only to be booted out because the guy driving the car that killed her son wasn't drunk.
   Incensed, Mona has now formed "Mothers Against Drivers Who Try To Squirt One Of Those Little Plastic Packages Of Mayonnaise Onto A Rare Roast Beef Sandwich" (or MADWTTSOOTLPPOMOARRBS). Membership has soared, putting the local chapter of MADD out of business.
   "Serves them right" says Mona.
(Michael Dare)


   "I thought DAMM was mothers against dyslexia."
- Bill Johnson & Tim Tuffield


BARNEY NO BLARNEY

    Start with the given: "Cute Purple Dinosaur".
   Change all U's to V's for proper Latin, giving you:"CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR"
   Extract all the Roman Numerals:
"C V V L D I V"
   Convert that into Arabic numerical values and you get: 100+5+5+50+500+1+5 which adds up to "666".
   Ergo, "Barney is Satan."


   "I know it sounds glib, but if a James Bond movie has the effect of making one more violent, why doesn't a 'Seinfeld' episode make one funnier?"
- John McNamara, executive producer of "The Fugitive"


SPIKE AT KNIGHT

   Dalya Alberge writes from London that along with American director Stephen Speilberg, writer/comedian and legendary "Goon" Spike Milligan, has also received an honorary knighthood, to which he exclaimed: "Help!"
Milligan was born in India 82 years ago but had to adopt his Irish parents' nationality after becoming "a man without a state" due to bizarre immigration laws. Showing up at the Irish Embassy, he said, "My name's Spike Milligan, can I have a passport?"
   To which the bemused official replied, "Oh yes! We're short of people."
   Besides his fame as writer and performer on the surreal radio program "The Goon Show" with Peter Sellers, Spike is a recognized poet whose nonsense verse "Ning Nang Nong" was voted top comic poem in 1999.
   Many years ago, Peter Bergman had the distinct pleasure of writing with him in the U.K., and the Goons have long been a source of inspiration to The Firesign Theatre. Bravo, Sir Spike!


   "I don't read other people's humor too much. If you are thinking up humor, you don't want other people's ideas rattling around your head."
- Harry Shearer in "Tech Times"


LIFE ON MARS

   "I've been on this job for 15 years and in that time I have read thousands of scripts and maybe 6 or 7 have been good - but yours, yours is the best I have ever read so far! The action is non-stop, the characters are beautifully delineated and track perfectly all the way through, the motivations are honest and real, each act break is organic and never feels manufactured to be a false ending for a commercial, the humor is witty, the arc of the story is flawless . . .
   "Unfortunately, all we're buying this year is crap."
   This is just one of the mind-boggling, hilarious and real "Memos TV Execs Wish They Hadn't Written" as compiled by Leonard B. Stern and Diane L. Robison in "A Martian Wouldn't Say That!!" (Tallfellow Press)
   The little book was so popular when it was first released in 1994 that Leonard recently put out this new edition, dedicated to the late, great Roger "Droodles" Price as "One of a kind . . . of which there was no kind."
   Available at all good bookstores. And on Mars.


   "The only thing Californians read is the license plate in front of them."
- Neil Simon


A GA-GA GALA

   And finally, for those of you who reside in sunny California, the land of rolling stops, rolling earth and rolling blackouts, the previously mentioned multi-honored Antaeus Classical Theatre Company is preparing to present our Tenth Anniversary Gala Celebration, "A Classical Valentine" at the newly restored El Portal Theatre, 5267 Lankershim Boulevard in North Hollywood, on Monday, February 12 starting at 6:30 with a wine reception and gourmet dinner and followed by entertainment from our Broadway, stage and screen stars AND a special appearance by The Firesign Theatre!!!
   We're also honoring Dr. Barry Kohn for his philanthropic services to the entertainment industry and are raising funds to construct our own theatre space at New Place. It's a tax-deductable $125 per person, and if you can be there or contribute to the cause, please call 818-506-8462, and say "Phil sent ya!"


   "Even in the most naturalistic parts, I'm always searching for a mask, because a mask is liberating. For an actor, giving yourself over to something that feels outside of yourself is the purest kind of performing."
- Actor Willem Dafoe at Cannes


01/20/01



Phil's "Signs of the Times"

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Where the "Heads" hang out?
(Lake Tahoe)
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim


PLANET PROCTOR
2001 by Phil Proctor

Published 01/21/01