THE THREE WISE GALS?
What would have happened if it had been Three Wise
Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped
deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole,
brought practical gifts and there would be Peace On Earth. (From Canyongirl)
"As they say at failed internet
startups, there's no such thing as a free launch."
- Jon Delfin
THE "X" IN
"What in the world do leaping lords, French
hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree
have to do with Christmas?" So begins an e-mmunication that has graced many a screen
this holiday season. I got mine first from (appropriately) Jack Angel.
"From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to
practice their faith openly, so someone during that era wrote the carol as a catechism
song for young Catholics and accordingly it has a hidden coded meaning.
The partridge in a pear tree is Christ Jesus - The two turtle doves, the Old
and New Testaments - Three French hens stand for faith, hope and love - The four calling
birds are the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John - The five golden rings
recall the first five books of the Old Testament, the Torah or Law - The six geese
a-laying are for the six days of creation - Seven swans a-swimming, the sevenfold gifts of
the Holy Spirit (Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and
Mercy) - The eight maids a-milking are the eight beatitudes - Nine ladies dancing, the
nine fruits of the Holy Spirit (Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness,
Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control) - The ten lords a-leaping, the ten
commandments - The eleven pipers piping stand for the eleven faithful disciples - And the
twelve drummers drumming symbolize the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed."
And now - let us sing!
started to produce meat like they produce cars - it's not good."
- French butcher Denis Moron on Mad Cow Disease, L.A. Times
THE 12 DAZE OF L.A.
And here's how Christmas
card designer David Price sees the lyrics:
"A Seagull in a Palm Tree - Two Plastic
Surgeons Yachting - Three Mouse Ears in Motion - Four Agents Avoiding Actors - Five Golden
Rings from Rodeo Drive - Six Swimming Pools A-Sparkling - Seven Surfers Surfing - Eight
Earthquakes Shaking - Nine Commuters Cursing - Ten Tourists Swooning - Eleven Cell Phones
Ringing - and - Twelve Actors Waiting Tables . . .
" Fa la la la la, la la, Oy vey!
only advantage of George Bush being president for the black community is that it would
resoundingly debunk the myth of white
- Chauncey Bailey, San Mateo Sun-Reporter
SELECTS POST-ER BOYS
President-elect George W.
Bush today announced the nomination of his father, former President Bush, to a new Cabinet
post tentatively titled "Secretary of Government." Aides claim that this action
will free President Bush from the details of the office, allowing him to focus on "The Big Picture."
(Third Place winner in a contest held by
"Chatterbox" to parody "beat-sweetener" profiles written by
Bush-kissing D.C. writers.)
Double-You Bush is five syllables. If we call him 'George Walker Bush' we could save an
extra syllable; and with a possible recession looming, this is a prudent saving of
- Martin Lewis
THE DEVIL MADE ME
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the
Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the
deep. And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God
said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb-yielding seed,
and the fruit-tree-yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let
him have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the
cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every thing that creepeth upon the Earth."
And so God created Man in his own image, male and female created he them. And God looked
upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God caused to grow on the earth broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, and
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long, healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And
McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You
want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained 5 pounds. And God
created healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And
Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And God said, "Try my
crispy, fresh salad." And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil
with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it
needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil
to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fat-fried them. And he created sour cream dip, also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips that were full
of cholesterol. And Satan saw it and said, "It is good." And Man went into
cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs. (Uncredited)
"Good Coffee for Your Office? Call
1-800 TEA LEAF"
- L.A. Truck Ad
SING ALONG WITH THE KIDDIES!
More "hidden meanings" revealed by kids brainwashed by
"- On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave
- Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
- Deck the Halls with Buddy
- We three kings of porridge and tar
- He's makin' a list, chicken and rice
- Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap
- Noel, Noel! Barney's the king of Israel
- Come, froggy faithful
- With the jelly toast proclaim
- Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
- In the meadow we can build a snowman,
then pretend that he is sparse and brown
- Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the
- Olive, the other reindeer
- You'll go down in Listerine!"
[Go to next
column to continue reading]
"The movie '102 Dalmatians' was
released in Florida as '97 Dalmatians'. Palm Beach County eliminated five, since the dots
were in the wrong place."
THE NADIR OF NADER
A third recount by Florida election officials has
"definitively determined" that Green Party
candidate, Ralph Nader, was defeated in the state. "There was a very significant
25,603-vote discrepancy between the first two counts, with Nader losing by respective
margins of 2,812,339 and 2,837,942, so we decided to conduct a hand recount," Florida
Attorney General Jim Smith said.
"We now know that Nader lost by precisely 2,821,278 votes."
It is not yet known whether Nader lost to Gore or Bush.
"Computers are useless. They
can only give you answers."
- Pablo Picasso
MORE THAN SHE COULD
The London Daily Telegraph reports that a newly-wed
bank supervisor had a testicle bitten off by a colleague's wife during a drunken party to
celebrate his wedding. Police found the testicle under a picture
frame on the sitting room floor.
Doctors told Neil Hutchinson, 29, that the shock and pain could have killed
him had he not consumed so much alcohol. He spent four days in hospital during which
surgeons were unable to re-attach the severed organ, and then he learned that his new
bride had left him.
That's gotta hurt a guy . . .
(Submitted by Larry Belling)
"We have sterilized and
contracepted our families down to sizes so small that the children we do have are so
spoiled with material things that they come to equate the receiving of the material with
- Rep. Rep. "The Hammer" Tom Delay
LIFE IS SHORT
For a little person, late entertainer Billy Barty,
76, left a huge legacy after performing for seven decades in every aspect of the Biz. Born
William John Bertanezzi in Pennsylvania to normal-sized parents, the 3'9" powerhouse
got his first film job in "Wedded Blisters" by spinning on his head. I had the
pleasure of working with him in the cult classic "Lobsterman from Outer Space"
and can testify to his indomitable spirit and great heart. He leaves behind two
foundations dedicated to "raising" public consciousness concerning dwarfism -
the Little People of America and the Billy Barty
"You're basically killing
each other to see who's got the best imaginary friend."
- Rich Jeni on religious wars
ZZZZZZZZZ - PPPPT!!!
Victor Borge, born Boerge Rosenbaum, a
classically-trained pianist who became famous as the "clown prince" of Denmark,
passed away peacefully in his sleep at 91, after returning from a visit to his hometown,
Copenhagen for a family "Jul" in Greenwich, CN.
For decades, Borge delighted
audiences by mocking the pomposity of classical music; falling off his bench, (having once
seen a concert pianist slide off), playing music upside down and inventing classic
routines like "phonetic punctuation" where sounds indicate commas, periods,
exclamation points and question marks; he even introduced Rock Cornish game hens to
American palates. In 1953, "Comedy in Music," his one-man show (which I saw),
established the Broadway record for a solo show; and his longtime agent, Bernard Gurtman,
said he was booked for the next two years.
"I never have to get 'up' for a performance," he affirmed.
"The moment I walk on the stage, no matter what my mood, if I have any regrets or
feel sick or in pain, all that disappears. That is when the climax of my day occurs."
He said, "The smile is the shortest way between people."
"If I drop dead
tomorrow, at least I'll know I died in good health."
- Ex-NFL coach, Bum Phillips
WHAT A CARD!
The cue card was born in 1949, delivered by NBC
usher Barney McNulty, who died at 77, when popular comic Ed Wynn feared that being on cold
medication might make him forget his lines on live TV; so McNulty wrote the script on
white cardboard panels for the performer to read.
Over his lifetime, his unique talents were employed by Orson Welles, Frank
Sinatra, Fred Astaire, V.P. Hubert Humphrey, poet Carl Sandburg and Western icon John
Wayne, who enticed him into a game of poker with the quip, "Now we'll see how good
you really are with cards." Barney also "held the line" for Hollywood's
greatest entertainers including George Burns, Groucho Marx, Jimmy Durante, Milton
Berle, Lucille Ball and Bob Hope - whose life he saved on a USO tour of Vietnam, when the
task of transporting over 5,000 pounds of "cheat sheets" delayed a motorcade
that was the target of a time-bomb.
"Saved by the idiot cards, again!" cracked the invincible Hope.
"Doc," the patient
says, "I keep seeing talking crickets, talking dogs, talking birds, talking cats -
what's wrong with me?"
"Nothing at all," the doctor answers. "You're just having
THAT'S ALL FOLKS!
It's curtains for cartoon music composer Hoyt
Curtin, 78, dubbed "the king of jingle-makers" but you can evoke his antic
spirit every time you sing the themes from "The Flintstones" or "The
Jetsons." In fact, he penned the music for Mr. Magoo and also for most of the 250
Hanna-Barbera classics including Scooby Doo, Yogi Bear, Huckleberry Hound, Magilla Gorilla
and The Smurfs where I was "King
Gerard" among other roles, in my early voice-over career.
"We'd all have a good time, and I think the music shows
it." he said.
And finally, The West Hawaii Today newspaper reported the death in December
of Hy Hoe Silva, 41, of Waimea.
"The quickest way From
Beverly Hills to the Valley? Marry a musician!"
"Although we may never
know with complete certainty the identity of the winner of this year's Presidential
election, the identity of the loser is perfectly clear. It is the nation's confidence in
the judge as an impartial guardian of the rule of law."
- Justice John Paul Stephens
**MERRY CHRISTIANS AND A
HAPPY JEW YEAR! - G.W.'s Xmas Card**