"Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore. I Think."
- Florida "bummer" sticker



BYGONES . . .

The election is over
The results are known.
The will of the court
Has clearly been shown.
Let's forget our differences
And show by our deeds.
That we'll give our government
The backing it needs.
We'll all get together,
Let bitterness pass.
I'll hug your elephant -
You kiss my ass. (Uncredited)
But PS from PP: Good Luck, G.W.!


"Jim Carey's next movie? 'The Grinch Who Stole the White House.'"
- PP in Letters to the Times, 12/11/00


THE GRINCH REVIEWS XMAS

   "The approach of Christmas signifies three things: bad movies, unforgivable television, and even worse theatre. I'm talking bone-crushing theatre - the type our ancient ancestors used to oppress their enemies before the invention of the stretching rack. We're talking torture on a par with the Scottsfield Dinner Theatre's 1995 revival of 'Come Blow Your Horn,' a production that violated every tenet of the Human Rights Accord . . .
   "(I will no doubt be taken to task for criticizing the work of children, but as any pathologist will agree, if there's a cancer, it's best to treat it as soon as possible.)
   "If you happen to stand over four-feet tall, the agony awaiting you at Sacred Heart Elementary began the moment you took your seat. These were mean little chairs, corralled into a 'theatre', haunted by the lingering stench of industrial strength lasagna. My question is not why they chose to stage the production in a poorly disguised cafeteria, but why they chose to stage it at all.
   "The story of the First Christmas is an over-rated clunker of a Holiday Pageant, best left to those looking to cure their chronic insomnia. Although the program listed no director, the apathetic staging suggested the limp, partially paralyzed hand of Sister Mary Elizabeth Bronson, who should have been excommunicated after last season's disastrous Thanksgiving program.
   "Here again, the first-through-third-grade actors graced the stage with an enthusiasm most children reserve for a smallpox vaccination. One could hardly blame them for their lack of vitality, since the stingy, uninspired script consists not of springy dialogue, but rather of a deadening series of pronouncements.
   "Mary to Joseph: "I am tired.' Joseph to Mary: 'We will rest here for the night.' There's no fire. No give and take. And the audience soon grows weary of this passionless relationship.
   "In the role of Mary, six-year-old Shannon Burke just barely manages to pass herself off as a virgin. A cloying, preening stage presence, her performance seemed based on nothing but an annoying proclivity toward lifting her skirt and - on rare occasion - opening her eyes.
   "As Joseph, second-grade student Douglas Trazar needs to be reminded that although his character did not technically impregnate the Virgin Mother, he should behave as if he were capable of doing so. Thrown into the mix were a handful of inattentive shepherds and a trio of gift-bearing eleven-year-olds who could probably give the Three Stooges a run for their money.
   "As for the lighting, Sacred Heart Elementary chose to rely on nothing more than the flash bulbs ignited by the obnoxious stage mothers and fathers who had created those zombies, staggering back and forth across the linoleum-floor dining hall. Pointing to the oversize crate that served as a manger, one particularly insufficient Wise Man proclaimed, 'A child is bored.'
   "Yes, well. So was this adult..."
(NPR's "Front Row, Center" by David Sedaris)


   "At 9pm ET, Al Gore made his concession speech, preempting 'The West Wing.' At 10pm ET, George W. Bush made his winner's speech, preempting 'Law & Order.' "
- Jon Delfin


SURVIVOR

   Network television is developing a "Texas Version" of "Survivor". Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock, driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I Voted for Gore, I'm Gay and I'm here to Take Your Guns."
(The first to complete the round trip alive is the winner.)


   "Statues made of snow."
- Peter O'Toole on celebrity, CBS' "60 Minutes 2."


THE "KEY" AT LAST!

   In "Key Largo" (1940), Edward G. Robinson says to Humphrey Bogart: "Let me tell you about politicians. I make them. I make them outta whole cloth just like a tailor makes a suit. I get their name in the newspaper, I get them some publicity and get them on the ballot.        "Then after the election we count the votes; and if they don't turn out right, we count them and count them again until they do."
  And in the L.A. Times, the late "Little Giant", Southern Governor Earl "Huey" Long used to say "he wanted to be buried in Louisiana so he could stay politically active."


   "Campaign spending: $184,000,000.
   "Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless"
- Yet another e-sticker from Flori-duh


NO, PLEASE, YOU GO FIRST...

What happens to a president elected in a year ending with "0"?

1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived
            Assassination Attempt)

   And to think that we had 2 guys fighting to be the one in 2000!


"Dubya won? No way, bud! Damnit, I'm mad!"
- Palindromes from wordsmith Merl Reagle


REAL 'GAS MUSIC' FROM JUPITER!

   In "Everything You Know Is Wrong," the Firesign Theatre's Happy Harry Cox offered a recording of "Gas Music from Jupiter."
And guess what - 25 years later it really IS available!
   NASA's Cassini spacecraft, approaching Jupiter, has detected low radio frequency waves in the thin gas of charged particles near the immense planet which have been converted to sound waves; and a brief audio clip is available at:     <http://www.jpl.nasa.gov/cassini/acoustic>
OR - you can order a videotape of the original Firesign epic, filmed by academy-award winner Alan Daviau from: <http://www.LodesTone-media.com> for a nifty last-minute gift!


[Go to next column to continue reading]



   "People ask, 'If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we have an election system that works?' I say, "Yes, and it will cost just about as much."
- William Kimberling, Federal Election official


JES' DUBYA CHECKING

   APE - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh...
   "There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," former Secretary of State James Baker said.
   Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
   Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole. Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush, "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
   Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.       The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
   Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a Spokes-elf said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. "He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokes-elf. "He's just not feeling jolly."
(From The Onion, perhaps?)


   "The Inaugurable Dinner: Spotted Owl Consomme, Snail Darters on the Quarter Shell, Stir-Fried Trumpeter Swan with White Supreme Sauce, Salade a la Exxon Valdez, Choice of Tap Waters..."
- Dean Christopher


ONLY GOD KNOWS
HOW THIS HAPPENED!

   In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule the recent Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush. "I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullsh*t.
   "I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."
   Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.
"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."
   "Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean . . ." Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with [more] deep boils.
   Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy. (By James Troesh)


   "Last time somebody listened to a Bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."
- God


NOSTRADAMUS MUS' BE RIGHT!

In 1555, Nostradamus wrote:

"Come the turn of the millenium, month twelve,
In the home of the greatest power,
The village idiot will come forth
to be acclaimed the leader."


   "My parents retired to Florida, and all I got was this lousy President."


KING GEORGE RULES!

   Troublemaker Dr. John Scialli has started a "King George Call to Action Mailing List" for folks who want to become involved in various activist activities while "taking this George IV situation sitting down - at their PCs and Macs."
   Contact scialli@primenet.com if you're really pissed.


   "Who punched the chads out? Whoo Whoo Whoo!"
- Florida bumper stinker


**********

CREDITS: So many Planeteers sent me duplicate lists of so many funny political pieces, I thought it unfair to credit anyone in particular, but thanks to all! I sense that some material may have come from "The Onion" and have so noted; but if anyone can help to give a credit to anything they read here, please do let me know so I can provide it on the website.
   (And get ready for the first JPEG Proctor & Peterson New Year's Card!)


   "It distresses us to return work that is not perfect"
- Peter O'Toole's proposed epitaph, as quoted on a tag from London's Sycamore Cleaners, ibid.


   And finally, as John & Joanna say in Ireland:
"Nollaig Shona Ceolmhar Chughat" ... to all!


 

12/20/00


Phil's "Signs of the Times"

condor_sm.jpg (19650 bytes)

El Condor Pasa?
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim


PLANET PROCTOR
2000 by Phil Proctor

Published 12/26/00