BYGONES . . .
The election is over
The results are known.
The will of the court
Has clearly been shown.
Let's forget our differences
And show by our deeds.
That we'll give our government
The backing it needs.
We'll all get together,
Let bitterness pass.
I'll hug your elephant -
You kiss my ass. (Uncredited)
But PS from PP: Good Luck, G.W.!
"Jim Carey's next movie? 'The
Grinch Who Stole the White House.'"
- PP in Letters to the Times, 12/11/00
THE GRINCH REVIEWS
"The approach of Christmas signifies
three things: bad movies, unforgivable television, and even worse theatre. I'm talking
bone-crushing theatre - the type our ancient ancestors used to oppress their enemies
before the invention of the stretching rack. We're talking torture on a par with the
Scottsfield Dinner Theatre's 1995 revival of 'Come Blow Your Horn,' a production that
violated every tenet of the Human Rights
Accord . . .
"(I will no doubt be taken to task for criticizing the work of children,
but as any pathologist will agree, if there's a cancer, it's best to treat it as soon as
"If you happen to stand over four-feet tall, the agony awaiting you at
Sacred Heart Elementary began the moment you took your seat. These were mean little
chairs, corralled into a 'theatre', haunted by the lingering stench of industrial strength
lasagna. My question is not why they chose to stage the production in a poorly disguised
cafeteria, but why they chose to stage it at all.
"The story of the First Christmas is an over-rated clunker of a Holiday
Pageant, best left to those looking to cure their chronic insomnia. Although the program
listed no director, the apathetic staging suggested the limp, partially paralyzed hand of
Sister Mary Elizabeth Bronson, who should have been excommunicated after last season's
disastrous Thanksgiving program.
"Here again, the first-through-third-grade actors graced the stage with
an enthusiasm most children reserve for a smallpox vaccination. One could hardly blame
them for their lack of vitality, since the stingy, uninspired script consists not of
springy dialogue, but rather of a deadening series of pronouncements.
"Mary to Joseph: "I am tired.' Joseph to Mary: 'We will rest here
for the night.' There's no fire. No give and take. And the audience soon grows weary of
this passionless relationship.
"In the role of Mary, six-year-old Shannon Burke just barely manages to
pass herself off as a virgin. A cloying, preening stage presence, her performance seemed
based on nothing but an annoying proclivity toward lifting her skirt and - on rare
occasion - opening her eyes.
"As Joseph, second-grade student Douglas Trazar needs to be reminded
that although his character did not technically impregnate the Virgin Mother, he should
behave as if he were capable of doing so. Thrown into the mix were a handful of
inattentive shepherds and a trio of gift-bearing eleven-year-olds who could probably give
the Three Stooges a run
for their money.
"As for the lighting, Sacred Heart Elementary chose to rely on nothing
more than the flash bulbs ignited by the obnoxious stage mothers and fathers who had
created those zombies, staggering back and forth across the linoleum-floor dining hall.
Pointing to the oversize crate that served as a manger, one particularly insufficient Wise
Man proclaimed, 'A child is bored.'
"Yes, well. So was this adult..."
(NPR's "Front Row, Center" by David Sedaris)
"At 9pm ET, Al Gore made
his concession speech, preempting 'The West Wing.' At 10pm ET, George W. Bush made his
winner's speech, preempting 'Law & Order.' "
- Jon Delfin
Network television is developing a "Texas
Version" of "Survivor". Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort
Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock, driving a Volvo with a
bumper sticker that reads: "I Voted for Gore, I'm Gay and I'm here to Take Your
(The first to complete the round trip alive is the winner.)
"Statues made of
- Peter O'Toole on celebrity, CBS' "60 Minutes 2."
THE "KEY" AT
In "Key Largo" (1940), Edward G. Robinson
says to Humphrey Bogart: "Let me tell you about politicians. I make them. I make them
outta whole cloth just like a tailor makes a suit. I get their name in the newspaper, I
get them some publicity and get them on the ballot.
"Then after the election we count the votes; and if they don't turn out right, we
count them and count them again until they do."
And in the L.A. Times, the late "Little Giant", Southern Governor Earl
"Huey" Long used to say
"he wanted to be buried in Louisiana so he could stay politically active."
"Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless"
- Yet another e-sticker from Flori-duh
NO, PLEASE, YOU GO
What happens to a president elected in a year ending with
1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in
1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived
And to think that
we had 2 guys fighting to be the one in 2000!
"Dubya won? No way, bud! Damnit, I'm
- Palindromes from wordsmith Merl
REAL 'GAS MUSIC' FROM
In "Everything You Know Is Wrong," the
Firesign Theatre's Happy Harry Cox offered a recording of "Gas Music from
And guess what - 25 years later it really IS available!
NASA's Cassini spacecraft, approaching Jupiter, has detected low radio
frequency waves in the thin gas of charged particles near the immense planet which have
been converted to sound waves; and a brief audio clip is available at:
OR - you can order a videotape of the original Firesign epic, filmed by academy-award
winner Alan Daviau from: <http://www.LodesTone-media.com>
for a nifty last-minute gift!
[Go to next
column to continue reading]
"People ask, 'If we can
put a man on the moon, why can't we have an election system that works?' I say, "Yes,
and it will cost just about as much."
- William Kimberling, Federal Election official
JES' DUBYA CHECKING
APE - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush
filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and
then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved
Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking
the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh...
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice.
It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How
many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and
over again must stop now," former Secretary of State James Baker said.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing
all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because
"everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted
what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole. Their security is
really awful, really bad," said Bush, "My mother just walked right in, told 'em
she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St.
Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking
your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now,"
Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's
asked for. The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond
to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North
Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We
need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a Spokes-elf said he was
"deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. "He's
losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokes-elf. "He's
just not feeling jolly."
(From The Onion, perhaps?)
"The Inaugurable Dinner:
Spotted Owl Consomme, Snail Darters on the Quarter Shell, Stir-Fried Trumpeter Swan with White
Supreme Sauce, Salade a la Exxon Valdez, Choice of Tap Waters..."
- Dean Christopher
ONLY GOD KNOWS
HOW THIS HAPPENED!
In a stunning development this morning, God invoked
the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule the
recent Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush. "I'm not
sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show
appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with
"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in
Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom.
Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."
Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules
the official Electoral College tally
and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is
analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.
"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim
Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is
unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."
"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some
surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean . . ." Our
Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and
announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported
since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of
his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential
candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with [more] deep boils.
Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.
(By James Troesh)
"Last time somebody
listened to a Bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."
NOSTRADAMUS MUS' BE
In 1555, Nostradamus wrote:
"Come the turn of the
millenium, month twelve,
In the home of the greatest power,
The village idiot will come forth
to be acclaimed the leader."
"My parents retired to
Florida, and all I got was this lousy President."
KING GEORGE RULES!
Troublemaker Dr. John Scialli has started a
"King George Call to Action Mailing List" for folks who want to become involved
in various activist activities while "taking this George IV situation sitting down -
at their PCs and Macs."
Contact [email protected] if
you're really pissed.
"Who punched the chads
out? Whoo Whoo Whoo!"
- Florida bumper stinker
CREDITS: So many Planeteers sent me duplicate lists of so many
funny political pieces, I thought it unfair to credit anyone in particular, but thanks to
all! I sense that some material may have come from "The Onion" and have so
noted; but if anyone can help to give a credit to anything they read here, please do let
me know so I can provide it on the website.
(And get ready for the first JPEG Proctor & Peterson New Year's Card!)
"It distresses us to
return work that is not perfect"
- Peter O'Toole's proposed epitaph, as quoted on a tag from London's Sycamore
And finally, as
John & Joanna say in Ireland:
"Nollaig Shona Ceolmhar Chughat" ... to all!