"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become
President; I'm beginning to believe it."
- Clarence Darrow
Great Poets respond to the Great Mess!
* * Henry Wadsworth Longfellow * *
Listen, my children, don't dare ignore,/The midnight actions of Bush and Gore./In early November, the year ought-ought,/It's hard to believe the mess they wrought./Two billion bucks of campaign bounty/All came down to Palm Beach County./What result could have been horrider/Than the situation we found in Florider?
* * Edgar Allen Poe * *
Once upon a campaign dreary, one which left us weak and weary,
* * Edward Lear * *
There once was a U.S. election/That called for some expert detection:/ How thousands of pollers/Turned into "two-holers - Like outhouses Of recollection.
* * Ogden Nash * *
I regret to admit that my knowledge is/What I learned at Electoral Colleges,
* * Joyce Kilmer * *
I thought that I would never see/The networks all so up a tree.
* * Walt Whitman * *
O' Captain! My Captain! Our fearful trip's not done.
* * Dr. Seuss * *
I cannot count them in a box,
* * And finally, Clement Moore * *
'Twas the month before Christmas, when all through the courts,
"It is enough that the people know there was an election. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything." - Josef Stalin
As reported in "The Onion,"
Serbian president Vojislav Kostunica deployed more than 30,000 peacekeeping troops to the
U.S. Monday, pledging full support to the troubled North American nation as it struggles
to establish democracy.
"One has to be a lowbrow, a bit of a murderer, to be a politician; ready and willing to see people sacrificed, slaughtered, for the sake of an idea, whether a good one or a bad one." - Henry Miller
George W. Bush is now under treatment for two problems: electile
dysfunction and premature congratulation. His VP, Dick Cheney, is recovering from a mild
heart attack. His spin doctors report that the Legislative Chamber of his far right
ventricle was clogged with dimpled chads.
"If aliens landed now and asked you to take them to your
leader, we'd be in trouble."
EURO TRASH U.S.
Douglas Herbert, CNN.com Europe writes of European reactions to our present electoral muddle: "Witness the title of a cover feature story that ran this week in The Guardian, one of Britain's leading national dailies: 'Only in Florida - How America's weirdest state derailed the US election'.
The authors (including a Floridian), write about the state where a guy was
charged with shooting his dog because he suspected it of "being gay", as
"America's weird, troubled protuberance in the Caribbean, where a million Cuban
exiles still plotting revenge against Castro, rub up against Jewish pensioners from
Brooklyn, Haitian refugees and a shoal of opportunists, lost souls, and part-time Disney
employees, all of whom have been known to act as if under the influence of the local swamp gas."
"We learn from history that we do not learn from history." - Hegel
Ex-Committee-man Garry Goodrow writes, "I chuckle and giggle a lot
lately as I walk down the street and glance at the headlines. At home, the front page of
the Times has me chortling over my morning coffee.
[Go to next column to continue reading]
PLANETEERS RULE!!! (cont.)
Way back in 1972-or-was-it-3, I
was in Italy at Spoleto when the Watergate number was really getting rich. Every morning
I'd walk down to the one newstand that sold the Tribune, and I'd stand there laughing out
loud at the headlines while the international crowd gave me horrified glances. To them, I
must have looked like a lunatic, but I was just having a good time."
"You can fool too many people too much of the
To the American People: We Floridians have gotten together and decided to
hold the Presidential election hostage until the rest of you come down and take your
parents back home. We are sick and tired of hearing about how good it was back there, and
how beautiful their grandchildren are. We're running out of Depends, and it could get
"A good politician is quite as unthinkable as
an honest burglar."
THE NATION OF CHAD
In Time magazine, "Dr. Notebook" says that according to the New
Hacker's Dictionary, the word "chad" may come from the acronym "Card Hole
Aggregate Debris" and not from the fallout caused by the recent release of "Chad
& Jeremy's Greatest Hits."
"I once said cynically of a
BUT WHO'S COUNTING?
Bob Herbert notes in The New York Times: "Incredibly, the year 2000 is almost over. It flew by in an instant. And yet the biggest story of the year, the presidential campaign that ended in a virtual deadlock, is moving so agonizingly slowly it seems to have stopped time altogether. Score one for relativity."
"All politics are based on the indifference of the
VOTE LIKE A BUTTERFLY...
The so-called "butterfly ballot" in Palm Beach County resulted
in thousands of confused folks apparently voting for the greater of three evils; so
Leesburg, Georgia psychologist Ron McGee put the design to the test by asking seventy-four
8-year-olds at a local elementary school to vote for their favorite Disney character on a
copycat ballot. "No other directions were given and questions were not answered by
teachers," McGee said.
"Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in
choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
Robert Trout, 91, is off the air. Most recently a producer/commentator on NPR's "All Things Considered", Trout had been a newsman since 1931 when he began his career on Virginia radio. It was he who referred to FDR's popular populist radio addresses as "fireside chats" and so indirectly helped to name "The Firesign Theatre."
"Great innovations should never
be forced on slender majorities."
WHY DID THE TURKEY
* Vice President Gore: "I fight for the turkeys and I am fighting for
the turkeys right now. I will not give up on the turkeys crossing the road! I will fight
for the turkeys and I will not disappoint them."
"Do not call a working method
corrupt just because you don't like the results. In a democratic union, not unlike a
democratic country, people can get involved and change the system. I encourage all working
actors to do so. There is an old saying: America, Love It or Leave It. I will suggest the
following instead: SAG, Love It or Change
Phil's "Signs of the Times"
The opinion of over
50% of the voters, eh?
Tiny Dr. Tim
© 2000 by Phil Proctor