"In 1956, upon being told that he had all the 'thinking people' on his side, Democratic presidential candidate Adlai Stevenson replied, 'That's wonderful. But I need a majority.' " - Salon.com



FOR STARTERS . . .

   Guess which president since WW II, choosing among 5 Republicans (Eisenhower, Nixon, Ford, Reagan and Bush) and 5 Democrats (Truman, Kennedy, Johnson, Carter and Clinton), did best on the following measures of the nation's economy:

1. Largest growth in gross domestic product?
2. Largest growth in jobs?
3. Biggest increase in personal disposable income after taxes?
4. Largest growth in industrial production?
5. Largest rise in hourly wages?
6. Lowest Misery Index? (inflation plus unemployment).
7. Lowest inflation?
8. Largest reduction in deficit? (Answers at end)


   "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Former 1st Lady Barbara Bush (sic)


FST AND THE SPACED STATION

From Canada Cat, this unsolicited message:

   "I'm watching a 1996 documentary called 'Timothy Leary's Dead' on Canada's history channel, and in a section about the naked people of Berkeley, a semi-naked man labeled Marty, engineer, says, 'When I was a little kid I wanted to be an astronaut, to go into space."     " 'And then, when I got older, it seemed to me that the people who go into space are like the Firesign Theatre said: People who like to sleep in tubes and push buttons. Adventurers like YOU. '
   "Then I check my email and it's the new Planet Proctor where you announced your daughter is appearing in a play directed by Tim O'Leary."

   Coincidence? We don't think so...


"A story about the late Peter Cook at a party:

Peter Cook: What do you do?
Party Guest: I'm writing a book.
Peter Cook: Neither am I."

- Ivan Berger


A GOOD READ

   The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. The NY Times is read by people who think they run the country. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post. The LA Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
   The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country. The NY Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country. The NY Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.


"I've got gay supporters. I don't ask their sexual orientation though."- George W.


PIGS CAN FLY!

Yes, dear friends, but do they live in trees? From various sources,(thanks, Charles) including "News of the Weird" (so I KNOW it's true), comes the crooked tale of the 200-pound squealer who flew first class from Philadelphia to Seattle. On Oct. 17, the six-hour US Airways flight carried 201 passengers - 200 humans and a hog, seated on the floor.
   "We can confirm that the pig traveled," said a company spokesman, "and we can confirm that it will never happen again."
   A cousin of the alleged owner said the piggy, named 'Charlotte', is a frequent flyer and a world-class squealer. She said her cousin is interested in holistic medicine and bodybuilding, and recently moved to the Seattle area with her mother using a doctor's note to convince the ground crew that the porker was a 'service animal'.
   An anonymous eyewitness claims that "The pig passed within four feet of us, ranting and squealing. But we were lucky. Right before it passed our way, it took a big pow. It powed like a pig, all over the US Airways carpet."
   Later, as the plane approached Seattle, Charlotte apparently went hog-wild, charging through the aisles, and after failing to break into the cockpit, taking refuge in the galley. The swine was lured off the craft with tossed leftovers, then dragged away by its two handlers. The FAA is focusing on whether US Airways violated its own animal transportation policy and whether the pig was a flight safety hazard.
   But in spite of all the brouhaha, there was beauty in the beast, "I have to admit that pig was a pretty thing," admitted a fellow traveller, "Reddish-brown with a pink bow tied to its tail." (Sounds like the Sheriff's girl to me).


   " 'Angryman' is the story of a guy who gets fed up with the world and takes revenge. Shooting begins next week..."
- Daily Variety, 10/27 from Taylor Jessen


WOOF

   And if that's not enough to squeal about, according to funnyman Lenny Weinrib, a Canadian woman, Sylvaine Marie Martin-Kostajnesk, became aggressive after drinking an entire bottle of cognac to ward off her fear of flying.
   She was jailed for 50 days after growling like a dog and biting an airline attendant on a flight from France to Canada. After serving her time, she relocated to Paris - where growling like a dog and biting is considered foreplay.

 


   "Wayne Kline described a bad sitcom writing room as like taking a plane to Europe every day. 'Ten hours in a cramped room, with two bad meals, surrounded by people you wouldn't normally even talk to.' " - From an interview in WGAW's "Written By" with political gag writer Bob Dolan Smith


FUNNY BONE FOUND IN BRAIN!

   During a week when the most basic particle (or God part) of the universe was apparently discovered, a multinational team of astronauts took up residence in the world's first Space Station, and doctors revealed that stem cells may soon be harvested from human marrow and cadaver skin instead of fetuses to regenerate damaged neurons, my brother-in-law, Jim Brice informed me that Dr Dean Shibata, at Rochester's NY University, uncovered the source of laughter.
   In the following abstract of a paper to be presented at the Radiological Society of North America conference later this month, the Doctor reports on how functional MRI (fMRI) which tracks and measures blood as it flows to regions of metabolic activity, elucidates his research:
"PURPOSE: Humor is perhaps the most frequently experienced emotion in our lives and it is an integral part of our personality, yet its physiology is very poorly understood. In particular, the brain regions governing the cognition of humor, the emotion of accompanying mirth, and the expression of laughter are essentially all unknown. In this functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) study we design a series of paradigms to untangle these components and map the brain regions involved in laughter and humor appreciation.


[Go to next column to continue reading]



METHOD: Four fMRI scans were performed on 13 volunteers. In the first scan, subjects listened to laughter and were asked to laugh along internally. The second task involved listening to the same stimulus, but not laughing along. In the third scan jokes were presented as series of text slides while the fourth involved nonverbal cartoons [and] subjects answered post-scan questionnaires regarding the last two scan stimuli.
RESULTS: Listening to laughter elicited bilateral (R>L) superior temporal gyrus activation in the first two scans. The internal laughter of the first scan was associated with a large focus of activity in the anterior supplemental motor cortex (SMA) with smaller foci in the right premotor cortex and ventromedial frontal (VMF) lobe. The joke and cartoon viewing associated most strongly with bilateral (L>R) VMF activity with additional loci in the right amygdala and SMA. Interestingly, the cartoon viewing resulted in prominent left perisylvian activation.
CONCLUSION: The cognitive aspect of both verbal and nonverbal humor appears based in the ventral medial frontal lobe consistent with a recent study of humor appreciation in patients with cerebral lesions and correlating with hypofunction of this region in major depression. The emotional aspect of humor is most likely related to the right amygdala which has been reported to be involved in other positive emotions. The act of laughter correlated most strongly with the anterior SMA in association with right premotor cortex which is supported by a recent case report of intraoperative SMA electrical stimulation."

   Well, now we know!!!


   "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
- Homer Simpson


IF RELIGION WERE BASEBALL

Amish would walk, Pagans would sacrifice, Quakers wouldn't swing, Dunkers would be down by three, Fundamentalists would balk, Unitarians could catch anything, Mormons would stay in left field, Evangelicals would make the pitch, Episcopalians would pass the plate, Jews would blame a loss on anti-Zionists, Buddhists would blame it on bad karma, Baptists would like to play hardball best, Atheists would refuse to have an Umpire, Televangelists would get caught stealing, Calvinists would believe the game is fixed, Palestinians would blame it on the settlers, Adventists would have a seventh-inning stretch, Jehovah's Witnesses would be thrown out often, Catholics would stop the game to confess every error and Lutherans would believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper anyway. ("Take A Break" by George)


   "I'm astounded by people who take eighteen years to write something. That's how long it took that guy to write 'Madame Bovary', and was that ever on the best-seller list?"
- Sylvester Stallone (Take A Break)


BYE-HO, STEVERINO!

   Steve Allen - disk jockey, comedian, actor, producer, recording artist on 49 albums, jazz pianist, writer of over 4000 songs and 53 books, playwright, game show host, inventor of the "Tonight" show, long-time skeptic and social activist, and a genuine genius - died peacefully of an apparent heart attack while taking a nap at his son's home in Encino, Calif., the night before Halloween. He was 78.
   Of course, I worked with him. First on a TV variety show called "The Book of Lists" and later on Comic Relief. He also narrated an NPR Special on the Firesign Theatre. He always had his little tape recorder with him and regularly stopped in conversation to articulate a thought to be transcribed later by his secretary.
   He was so prolific and generous of his time and talents that few of us in the entertainment industry didn't know him or were not influenced by him. (I took goo-goo dolls to school to disrupt my class!) What a legacy!
   And the gavel fell as well on Ring Lardner Jr. I'll take the Fifth and drink to his courage.


   "Be as devoted to the truth as a prelate of the church is to God; not facts, per se, for they are but appearance. In them and beneath them is truth - and truth is what writing is all about."
- Ex-con/author Edward Bunker


FLORES PARA LOS MUERTES

   The World Weird Web encounters plenty of difficult-to-explain sites, but "FamousFarewells.com" takes the prize. This "celebrity condolence service" offers fans an easy way to send remembrances and even flowers to the survivors of their favorite deceased personalities - stars ranging from Humphrey Bogart to Stanley Kubrick and Don Ameche. (Although Steve Allen was not on the site late Tuesday.)
   Now "You'll never, ever again feel that you let your celebrity down because you didn't honor them after they spent a lifetime providing you with awesome entertainment."
   Wait no more! Go on (line) and send that Bill Bixby condolence card...


   "That God won't let me into Heaven because I'm too evil, and the Devil won't let me into Hell because he's afraid I'll take over." - Phil Spector's 'greatest fear' in Esquire's "Questionnaire" column


AND THE ANSWERS ARE...

1.Truman; 2. Carter; 3. Johnson; 4. Kennedy; 5. Johnson; 6. Truman; 7. Truman; 8. Clinton.

In the Economic Sweepstakes, Democratic presidents trounce Republicans 8 times out of 8. The stock market has also performed better under Democrats. The Dow Jones industrial average during the 20th century has risen, on average, 7.3 % a year under Republicans. Under Democrats, it rose 10.3%, which means investors gained 41% more. (L. A. Times by UC Berkley's Arthur Blaustein)


Two fonts walk into a bar. The barman says to them, "Get out. We don't serve your type here." - Anonymous


1T HAPPENS

1800-1 vote gives Thomas Jefferson the presidency over Aaron Burr

1839-1 vote wins the Massachusetts governorship for Marcus Morton

1868-1 vote saves Andrew Johnson's presidency

1941-1 vote strengthens selective service before World War II

1960-1 vote per precinct gives JFK the presidency

2000-1 vote, your vote, can make the difference November 7th.

Be the ONE.

 


 

11/6/00

 


 

Phil's "Signs of the Times"

FST2.jpg (10585 bytes)

Florida Polling Stations
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim


PLANET PROCTOR
2000 by Phil Proctor

Published 11/10/00