"In 1956, upon being told that he had all the 'thinking people' on his side, Democratic presidential candidate Adlai Stevenson replied, 'That's wonderful. But I need a majority.' " - Salon.com
FOR STARTERS . . .
Guess which president since WW II, choosing among 5 Republicans (Eisenhower, Nixon, Ford, Reagan and Bush) and 5 Democrats (Truman, Kennedy, Johnson, Carter and Clinton), did best on the following measures of the nation's economy:
1. Largest growth in gross domestic product?
"Clinton lied. A man might
forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad
FST AND THE SPACED STATION
From Canada Cat, this unsolicited message:
"I'm watching a 1996 documentary called 'Timothy Leary's Dead' on
Canada's history channel, and in a section about the naked people of Berkeley, a
semi-naked man labeled Marty, engineer, says, 'When I was a little kid I wanted to be an
astronaut, to go into space." " 'And then, when I got
older, it seemed to me that the people who go into space are like the Firesign Theatre
said: People who like to sleep in tubes and push buttons. Adventurers like YOU. '
Coincidence? We don't think so...
"A story about the late Peter Cook at a party:
Peter Cook: What do you do?
A GOOD READ
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. The NY
Times is read by people who think they run the country. The Washington Post is read by
people who think they ought to run the country. USA Today is read by people who think they
ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post. The LA Times is read by
people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
"I've got gay supporters. I don't ask their sexual orientation though."- George W.
PIGS CAN FLY!
Yes, dear friends, but do they live in trees? From various sources,(thanks, Charles)
including "News of the Weird" (so I KNOW it's true), comes the crooked tale of
the 200-pound squealer who flew
first class from Philadelphia to Seattle. On Oct. 17, the six-hour US Airways flight
carried 201 passengers - 200 humans and a hog, seated on the floor.
" 'Angryman' is the story of
a guy who gets fed up with the world and takes revenge. Shooting begins next week..."
And if that's not enough to squeal about, according to funnyman Lenny
Weinrib, a Canadian woman, Sylvaine Marie Martin-Kostajnesk, became aggressive after
drinking an entire bottle of cognac to ward off her fear of flying.
"Wayne Kline described a bad sitcom writing room as like taking a plane to Europe every day. 'Ten hours in a cramped room, with two bad meals, surrounded by people you wouldn't normally even talk to.' " - From an interview in WGAW's "Written By" with political gag writer Bob Dolan Smith
FUNNY BONE FOUND IN BRAIN!
During a week when the most basic particle (or God part) of the universe
was apparently discovered, a multinational team of astronauts took up residence in the
world's first Space Station, and doctors revealed that stem cells may soon be harvested
from human marrow and cadaver skin instead of fetuses to regenerate damaged neurons, my
brother-in-law, Jim Brice informed me that Dr Dean Shibata, at Rochester's NY University,
uncovered the source of laughter.
[Go to next column to continue reading]
METHOD: Four fMRI scans were performed on 13
volunteers. In the first scan, subjects listened to laughter and were asked to laugh along
internally. The second task involved listening to the same stimulus, but not laughing
along. In the third scan jokes were presented as series of text slides while the fourth
involved nonverbal cartoons [and] subjects answered post-scan questionnaires regarding the
last two scan stimuli.
Well, now we know!!!
"If you really want something
in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery
IF RELIGION WERE BASEBALL
Amish would walk, Pagans would sacrifice, Quakers wouldn't swing, Dunkers would be down by three, Fundamentalists would balk, Unitarians could catch anything, Mormons would stay in left field, Evangelicals would make the pitch, Episcopalians would pass the plate, Jews would blame a loss on anti-Zionists, Buddhists would blame it on bad karma, Baptists would like to play hardball best, Atheists would refuse to have an Umpire, Televangelists would get caught stealing, Calvinists would believe the game is fixed, Palestinians would blame it on the settlers, Adventists would have a seventh-inning stretch, Jehovah's Witnesses would be thrown out often, Catholics would stop the game to confess every error and Lutherans would believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper anyway. ("Take A Break" by George)
"I'm astounded by people who
take eighteen years to write something. That's how long it took that guy to write 'Madame Bovary', and was that ever on
the best-seller list?"
- disk jockey, comedian, actor, producer, recording artist on 49 albums, jazz pianist,
writer of over 4000 songs and 53 books, playwright, game show host, inventor of the
"Tonight" show, long-time skeptic and social activist, and a genuine genius -
died peacefully of an apparent heart attack while taking a nap at his son's home in
Encino, Calif., the night before Halloween. He was 78.
"Be as devoted to the truth as
a prelate of the church is to God; not facts, per se, for they are but appearance. In them
and beneath them is truth - and truth is what writing is all about."
FLORES PARA LOS MUERTES
The World Weird Web encounters plenty of difficult-to-explain sites, but
"FamousFarewells.com" takes the prize.
This "celebrity condolence service" offers fans an easy way to send remembrances
and even flowers to the survivors of their favorite deceased personalities - stars ranging
from Humphrey Bogart to Stanley Kubrick and Don Ameche. (Although Steve Allen was not on
the site late Tuesday.)
"That God won't let me into Heaven because I'm too evil, and the Devil won't let me into Hell because he's afraid I'll take over." - Phil Spector's 'greatest fear' in Esquire's "Questionnaire" column
AND THE ANSWERS ARE...
1.Truman; 2. Carter; 3. Johnson; 4. Kennedy; 5. Johnson; 6. Truman; 7. Truman; 8. Clinton.
In the Economic Sweepstakes, Democratic presidents trounce Republicans 8 times out of 8. The stock market has also performed better under Democrats. The Dow Jones industrial average during the 20th century has risen, on average, 7.3 % a year under Republicans. Under Democrats, it rose 10.3%, which means investors gained 41% more. (L. A. Times by UC Berkley's Arthur Blaustein)
Two fonts walk into a bar. The barman says to them, "Get out. We don't serve your type here." - Anonymous
1800-1 vote gives Thomas Jefferson the presidency over Aaron Burr
Be the ONE.
Phil's "Signs of the Times"
Florida Polling Stations
Tiny Dr. Tim
© 2000 by Phil Proctor