"I don't like this
reality television, I have to be honest. I think real people should not be on television.
It's for special people like us; people who have trained and studied to appear to be
- Emmies M.C. Garry Shandling.
My 22-year-old daughter Kristin
just finished a week on her first movie in NY, Penny Marshall's "Riding Around in
Cars With Boys" starring Drew Barrymore and Steve Zahn, playing a snooty socialite
with teased hair and a bandage from a nose job. She's presently in rehearsal for a show at
the Here Space in Soho, playing "a female
Adonis" in director Tim O'Leary's adaptation of Shakespeare's poem "Venus and
Adonis." It's a short run, from Oct. 10 - 26. You go, girl!
"The John Achorn Diet: Fly to the
Philippines, eat a clam off of a vendor's street cart in Manila, throw up for fourteen
days. You'll lose 30 to 35 pounds."
THE PROFESSOR LIVES!
Prof. Irwin Corey, M.S.
(Master of Surreality) is, according to Avery Schreiber, "still alive and
shticking". At Square East in New York he was opening for Second City one night when
he stopped in the middle of a routine and very apologetically addressed an elderly
threesome . . . "Excuse me ladies --'Macbet' is tomorrer night." And if you ask
him any question starting with the word "Why", such as "Why do you wear
tennis shoes?" - he still answers:
"We have enough equipment in this place . . .
to put a man on the moon, and it's all being used to cover a Jew in birdshit."
WHERE'S MY GUN?
Got my copy of the latest Cabela's Hunting Catalogue and found some exceptional
bargains for the well-armed Outdoor Sportsman!
"It used to be, it's the guys in a different uniform. I shoot him before he shoots me. Now, it might be an old lady with a car bomb." - Staff Sgt. David Baron, L.A. Times
OLD BALL AND CHAIN
This chain letter was started in hopes
of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one
does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are
equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend, send her to the
man whose name appears at the top of the following list and add your name to the bottom of
"Future historians will be able to study at the
Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill
Clinton Adult Bookstore."
After reading this speech (inspired by a list of real quotes compiled by Jacob Weisberg for "Slate") you have to wonder if George Sr. chose Dan Quayle as a running mate because he reminded him so much of his son . . .
"I have a different vision of
leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together. I think he needs to stand
up and say if he thought the president were wrong on policy and issues, he ought to say
where. I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I think we agree, the past is over. I
hope we get to the bottom of the answer. It's what I'm interested to know.
[Go to next column to continue reading]
QUAYLE LITE (cont.)
suggestions on what to say all the time. I'll give you an example; I don't read what's
handed to me. People say, 'Here, here's your speech, or here's an idea for a speech.' It's
evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a significant step, to be able
to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I'll be able to do so next fall, I hope.
"Elmer Fudd was mistakenly identified as Porky
Pig in a photo on Page 6a last week"
My wife was buying groceries at the
Giant supermarket shortly after Al Gore chose Joe Lieberman as his running mate. It was a
Friday, and as the checkout lady bagged my wife's groceries, she was left at the end with
two breads - one a Sabbath challah
and the other a Roman Meal sandwich loaf.
"Bigger balls to serve up more excitement
for tennis fans"
Doctors were told to contribute to the
construction of a new wing at a hospital. The allergists voted to scratch it. The
dermatologists preferred no rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about
it. The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
"When I read in the paper that they were
calling me a serial killer, I didn't know what
the word meant. I kept picturing myself stabbing a box of Cheerios, because I like
Nina and Liz are having a conversation
during their lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"
"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde
jokes because I know I'm not dumb . . . and I also know that I'm not a blonde."
CURSE OF THE COMMERCIAL STRIKE
Mark Kleiman informs us that a
1,000-pound crane being used to help film a Peruvian beer commercial at the Inca ruins of
Machu Picchu by U.S. ad agency J. Walter Thompson, toppled over and chipped off the edge
of an ancient stone sundial. The Intihuatana sundial
(which means "All scabs die") is a granite block carved into the mountain peak
about 310 miles southeast of the capital, Lima.
"Don't squeeze the actor! It may be toilet paper to you, but it's bread and butter to me." - Actor Dick "Mr. Whipple" Wilson at the AFTRA/SAG "March for Victory" rally in Hancock Park
A NAME BY ANY OTHER NAME
In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked
each other during a "My
Name is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney
of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus.
"This table matured wine is popular almond
strong extractive drink lovers."
Erin Go Braugh!
Phil's "Signs of the Times"
Ah, a quiet place to park . .
Tiny Dr. Tim
© 2000 by Phil Proctor