"I don't like this reality television, I have to be honest. I think real people should not be on television. It's for special people like us; people who have trained and studied to appear to be real."
- Emmies M.C. Garry Shandling.



REAL NEWS

   My 22-year-old daughter Kristin just finished a week on her first movie in NY, Penny Marshall's "Riding Around in Cars With Boys" starring Drew Barrymore and Steve Zahn, playing a snooty socialite with teased hair and a bandage from a nose job. She's presently in rehearsal for a show at the Here Space in Soho, playing "a female Adonis" in director Tim O'Leary's adaptation of Shakespeare's poem "Venus and Adonis." It's a short run, from Oct. 10 - 26. You go, girl!
   And Melinda and I are off Thursday for 18 days in Ireland and the U.K., so please - hold the email! Save your contributions, petitions, strike news, great business opportunities and virus warnings until we return on October 11th! Thanks.


"The John Achorn Diet: Fly to the Philippines, eat a clam off of a vendor's street cart in Manila, throw up for fourteen days. You'll lose 30 to 35 pounds."
- Ron House


THE PROFESSOR LIVES!

   Prof. Irwin Corey, M.S. (Master of Surreality) is, according to Avery Schreiber, "still alive and shticking". At Square East in New York he was opening for Second City one night when he stopped in the middle of a routine and very apologetically addressed an elderly threesome . . . "Excuse me ladies --'Macbet' is tomorrer night." And if you ask him any question starting with the word "Why", such as "Why do you wear tennis shoes?" - he still answers:
   "That is a two-part question. 'Why' is a mystery that eluded the ancients; and there were some pretty bright guys among dose. They struggled with 'why' for centuries and never got it straight  . . . so how can I, a man who makes a living in smoke-filled nightclubs, even attempt to answer that question?
   Now -- do I wear tennis shoes? Yes."


"We have enough equipment in this place . . . to put a man on the moon, and it's all being used to cover a Jew in birdshit."
- Barry Levinson on Mel Brooks in "High Anxiety", from Canada Cat.


WHERE'S MY GUN?

   Got my copy of the latest Cabela's Hunting Catalogue and found some exceptional bargains for the well-armed Outdoor Sportsman!
   Texas Rag, Robo Duck and Goose Decoys with optional Decoy Hearts and Quiver Magnets -- "To add ripples to your spread." Smart Sticks, Goose Noose Magnums and Flying Decoys with Solid Brass Snap Swivels and Gang Rigs. Or to keep it all together, a Final Approach Floating Decoy designed to match your Floating Coffin or Gooseview Laydown Blind.
   Or, for extra comfort, settle into a Swamp Seat or the spacious shell of a Man-sized Goose Chair -- which is a decoy AND a blind, and comes with an optional Goose or Snow Skirt. (See page 508)
   Then, use your Big Guy Widow Maker -- "a call designed for the serious greenhead hunter who makes widows out of mallard hens!", or a Canadian Honker Flute -- "Ideal for rapid sitdown calls!" And apres kill you'll be happy you've got that Eight-Loop Game Strap and a Deluxe Automatic Duck Naked Plucker with Rubber Fingers.
   But -- if "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" are more your style, select from their line of Muzzy Broadheads, Bloodtrailers or Screw-In Field Points with a Mongoose release, Bohning Vanes, or Super Crank Cocking devices; and pack 'em up in your Maverick Fleece, Rancho Safari Cat Quiver, Doinker Hunter or Golden Key Tranquilizer "with modern limb-saving technology!"
   And if you order now, they'll throw in a pair of Field-tested Waterproof Dog Boots (your canine's choice) at a small extra cost.
   Call 1-800-237-4444 to get your catalogue today!


"It used to be, it's the guys in a different uniform. I shoot him before he shoots me. Now, it might be an old lady with a car bomb." - Staff Sgt. David Baron, L.A. Times


OLD BALL AND CHAIN

   This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend, send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list and add your name to the bottom of the list.
   When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping. REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel.
   You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.
   Bill Clinton
   W. J. Clinton
   William Clinton
   W. Jefferson Clinton
   William J. Clinton
(Thanks to Dan Sevush)


"Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore."
- From Patty Paul


QUAYLE LITE

   After reading this speech (inspired by a list of real quotes compiled by Jacob Weisberg for "Slate") you have to wonder if George Sr. chose Dan Quayle as a running mate because he reminded him so much of his son . . .

   "I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together. I think he needs to stand up and say if he thought the president were wrong on policy and issues, he ought to say where. I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I think we agree, the past is over. I hope we get to the bottom of the answer. It's what I'm interested to know.
   " I'm less -- I pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it . . . And I'm more interacting with people. I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes. The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?


[Go to next column to continue reading]



  QUAYLE LITE (cont.)

     "People make suggestions on what to say all the time. I'll give you an example; I don't read what's handed to me. People say, 'Here, here's your speech, or here's an idea for a speech.' It's evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a significant step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I'll be able to do so next fall, I hope.
   "Actually, I -- this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about -- when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me. And I'm very gracious and humbled -- I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do. I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating."


"Elmer Fudd was mistakenly identified as Porky Pig in a photo on Page 6a last week"
- From the New Yorker, thanks to Herb and Barbara Blitzstein


WELL BREAD

   My wife was buying groceries at the Giant supermarket shortly after Al Gore chose Joe Lieberman as his running mate. It was a Friday, and as the checkout lady bagged my wife's groceries, she was left at the end with two breads - one a Sabbath challah and the other a Roman Meal sandwich loaf.
   The checkout lady picked up the two breads, put them in a bag together, looked at my wife with a little smile and said: "I think the Roman Meal and challah can go together, don't you?" (Thomas L. Friedman, NY Times)


"Bigger balls to serve up more excitement for tennis fans"
- The Daily Telegraph from our man in London, Larry Belling.


WINGING IT

   Doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a hospital. The allergists voted to scratch it. The dermatologists preferred no rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it. The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
   The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception. The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. The orthopedists issued a joint resolution. The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!" The radiologists could see right through it. The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
   The proctologists said, "We are in arrears." The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow. The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. The nose & throat doctors said not one scent more. And the one lone chiropractor said, "Don't worry. We'll all make adjustments."
   The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward. The psychiatrists thought it was madness. The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing . . .


"When I read in the paper that they were calling me a serial killer, I didn't know what the word meant. I kept picturing myself stabbing a box of Cheerios, because I like Cheerios"
- Dr. John's psychopathic quote of the week.


SEXUAL SECURITY

   Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"
   Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."
   "Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.
   "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."


"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb . . . and I also know that I'm not a blonde."
- Dolly Parton


CURSE OF THE COMMERCIAL STRIKE

   Mark Kleiman informs us that a 1,000-pound crane being used to help film a Peruvian beer commercial at the Inca ruins of Machu Picchu by U.S. ad agency J. Walter Thompson, toppled over and chipped off the edge of an ancient stone sundial. The Intihuatana sundial (which means "All scabs die") is a granite block carved into the mountain peak about 310 miles southeast of the capital, Lima.
   Meanwhile, while talks in NY continue, several angry actors took out their frustration by draping a 50-foot "NO SCABS" banner over the second letter of the Hollywood sign. The activists declared in The Hollywood Reporter that their action was designed "to condemn union and nonunion scabs who undermine and endanger the fair pay, conditions and benefits the guilds' members have struggled for 70 years to gain and retain."
   By the way, my friend (Robert) David Hall is running for the SAG board of directors. He's been an actor and voiceover guy for 20 years, and when I first met him, he was a "Smurf"! He feels strongly that we need more representation from working actors, that we should have a lobbying group in Sacramento and D.C. and that we need "to examine the balance between partnership and adversarial conflict with the people who employ us." He claims further that he will "try to live up to the standards set by George Tirebiter so many years ago." You go, guy!


"Don't squeeze the actor! It may be toilet paper to you, but it's bread and butter to me." - Actor Dick "Mr. Whipple" Wilson at the AFTRA/SAG "March for Victory" rally in Hancock Park


A NAME BY ANY OTHER NAME

   In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a "My Name is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus.
   "It was a lie." explained Mr Pap, "I'm a Henry and always will be.", whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight.
   The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."
(From The Scottish Big Issue thanks to John Achorn)


"This table matured wine is popular almond strong extractive drink lovers."
- Label copy on Armenian Byurakan dessert wine


 

Erin Go Braugh!

10/20/00


 

Phil's "Signs of the Times"

squeak.jpg (12979 bytes)

Ah, a quiet place to park . . .
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim


PLANET PROCTOR
2000 by Phil Proctor

Published 09/21/00