"No man is an Ireland." - Mayor Richard Daley,
by Bob Herbert, N.Y. Times



THE E-MAIL BLESSING

Peace be unto you, your computer and the e-mail you receive this day.
   May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or return it within a limited time frame.
   May it not require you to take action to prove your love,friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.
   May the mail you receive not start with [Fw: Fw: Fw:], not contain strangely named attachments nor endless "<<<<<"s.
   May it not cause you to change your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating of parts of things you can't buy at Wal-Mart.
   May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.
   May it not encourage you to learn the 800 number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC.
   May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the death of monks, missionaries, mothers or the misguided.
   And above all may peace and harmony be yours until tomorrow . . .
(From Luan)


"When people tell me that I'm wrecking the Democratic Party, I ask them, 'What's left to wreck?' "
- Green Party candidate Ralph Nader about "Gush and Bore".


BEAR WITH ME

   SCR stage manager Julie Haber writes, "While in Australia, I had a photo taken of me holding a real Koala. It turned out really well - I looked great and the Koala had its eyes open, very cute. I decided to update my Citibank Visa Photocard with the new photo, so I made a print the requisite size and sent in the application. About 3 weeks later, I received a missive from them as follows":
   'We have reviewed your Photocard request. However, we are unable to process your request at this time for the following reason(s):
   *The photo included another individual. The photo must be only of you.'
   "They were worried that the Koala might try to buy something using my Visa?"


"Who do you have to f *** to get laid in this town?" - attributed to actor Troy Evans, but according to "Committee" members Alan Meyerson, Howard Hesseman and Larry Hankin, it was coined in 1973 by Beans Morocco (ne Dan Barrows); and Alan adds,
"I don't know Troy Evans but I do know Beans Morocco and Troy, sir, is no Beans Morocco."


THE GAY MASTER PLAN UNZIPPED

Many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Here it is, directly from The Homintern:
6 a.m. Gym and Tanning Bed
8 a.m. Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9 a.m. Hair Appointment
10 a.m. Shopping
12 p.m. Brunch (Salmon Benedict, roasted potatoes, mimosa)
2 p.m.
   (1) Assume complete control of the U.S. federal, state and local governments, as well as other national governments;
   (2) Recruit all straight youngsters to debauched lifestyle;
   (3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages;
   (4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels;
   (5) Establish planetary chain of "homo-breeding gulags," where overmedicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for devotedly gay leadership;
   (6) Bulldoze all houses of worship; and
   (7) Secure total control of the Internet and all mass media for the exclusive use of the Liberace Society.
2:30 p.m. Beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles due to stress of world conquest.
3:30 p.m. Protein Shake
4 p.m. Tea Dance
6 p.m. Light Dinner (soup, salad and skinless chicken breast, with a crisp Chard)
8 p.m. Theatre
11 p.m. Bed du Jour


"I have been downloaded 851 million times."
- Web Hottie Cindy Margolis on E.T., 9/07


SHORT READS

20. BEAUTY SECRETS - By Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES - By John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL - By Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - By Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES - By Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD - By Bill Gates 14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - By Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - By Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - By Ellen Degeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - By The SierraClub
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY - by Joe Yoder
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - By O. J. Simpson
And The World's Number One Shortest Book....
MY BOOK OF MORALS - By Bill Clinton


"As they say down South, he was a hard dog to keep on the porch."
- David Gergen in his book "Eyewitness to Power" on Mr. Bill.


"In Hollywood, awards are like hemorrhoids; sooner or later, every asshole gets one." -- Billy Wilder at a tribute to Lana Turner


"Cancer is good for the priorities. Traffic, for one thing, is not worth getting upset about...you look at those fools honking, getting steamed, cutting in front of you, and you just think: 'Hey, it's not a malignant tumor, you know?' "
Molly Ivins, Star Telegram


[Go to next column to continue reading]


 

 

 

 



DRUGS AND GOV'T THUGS

   Guru Ram Dass' comments on the Drug War at L.A.'s ShadowConvention, Patriotic Hall, August 16:
  "I've spoken all around the world . . . about consciousness and spirit . . . but it is only in California that I can say to the audience . . . prior to my speech, I smoked a joint.
   "This war . . . has made us less than truthful with one another . . . because we can't tell anybody that you are cured with marijuana. Medical marijuana has put me ahead of the game . . . It gives me control of the spastic elements I have from the stroke. And some of the pain. It gives me perspective, so I can look at the stroke with a certain love . . . with a certain witnessing . . .
  "My history you probably know. I started out as a psychology professor. And then I took mushrooms. Given to me by Tim Leary. And with mushrooms, I plumbed the depths of my being. I inhabited my soul . . . [It's] strange that a culture would prohibit a plant that would keep one spiritually conscious.
   "These drugs . . . these psychedelic drugs that I took, lead to changes, changes in the 60's. The culture is frightened, and frightened of change . . . Politicians don't want the populous to see clearly. With these drugs, I see creativity. What's the problem? Doesn't this culture want creativity? This culture won't let go . . . and your consciousness has to be free.
   "And what we are doing here, is freeing consciousness. We've had the Information Age, and now we need to go on to the Consciousness Age. And we are the leaders. This group."


"No one religion owns spiritual power."
- Dr. David Walker, LACRS


MOTHER TAUGHT ME --

   To Appreciate A Job Well Done -- "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
   Religion --"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
   Time Travel -- "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
   Logic -"Because I said so, that's why."
   Foresight -- "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
   Irony -- "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
   The Science of Osmosis -- "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
   Contortionism -- "Just *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
   Stamina -- "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is gone."
   Weather -- "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.
   How to Solve Physics Problems -- "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
   Hypocrisy -- "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't Exaggerate!!!"
   Behavior Modification -- "Stop acting like your father!"
   Envy -- "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
   The Circle of Life -- "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
(From Mona Marshall)


"Give Satan just an inch and he will be a ruler."
- Faith Tabernacle Assembly of God church billboard


WHAT IF THEIR MOM'S WERE JEWISH...?

   Paul Revere's Mother: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
   Mona Lisa's Mother: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
   Columbus' Mother: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"
   Michelangelo's Mother: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
   Napoleon's Mother: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
   Lincoln's Mother: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
   Mary's Mother: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
   Einstein's Mother: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something . . .?"
   George Washington's Mother: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
   Jonah's Mother: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
   Thomas Edison's Mother: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed."
(From Patty Paul)


"There are only two kinds of luggage: carry-on and lost."
Peter Greenberg, Today Show travel expert


OVERHEARD IN AVERY SCHRIEBER'S IMPROV WORKSHOP

A: "Did you know that Bush has killed over a hundred and thirty people in Texas?"
B: "Have you ever been to Texas?"
A: "Sure!"
B: "Well,... it's a good start, isn't it?"


"Lieberman Tells Diners He'll Save Their Bacon"
- L.A. Times headline


ALL DUCKS MOURN

   The creator/producer of the brilliant "2000X" sci-fi series, Yuri "El Fiendo" Rasovsky http://www.audible.com/2000x
informed me that cartoonist Carl Barks died last week at the age of 99, at home in Grants Pass, Oregon.
   After a stint at Disney, he joined Dell publishing's comic book operation and created Huey, Dewey and Louie, Gyro Gearloose, Gladstone Gander, the Beagle Boys (one of which I've even voiced), Grandma Duck and, most memorably, Uncle Scrooge McDuck. Known among fans as "the good artist," he was a marvelous story teller as well as a fine draftsman and had he not draw exclusively for comic books, he would be honored like Dr. Seuss (who started out in comic books), as one of the nation's greatest writer/illustrators of children's fiction. See for yourself at
http://home4.swipnet.se/~w-47991/CarlBarks/


SURREALISTS RULE!

   I've been informed that Brother Theodore, 93 years young, was recently hospitalized. You are encouraged to send a getwell message to him c/o Box 85 Stockton, NY 14784.
   He's one of the last of the great surrealist stand ups, even though Brother T., whom I had the pleasure of working with in Henry Jaglom's "A Safe Place" is an advocate of "Quadrupidism - Down on all fours! Forward March!!!"


 

9/10/00


 

Phil's "Signs of the Times"

Doubt if they give many away . . .
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim

 

PLANET PROCTOR
2000 by Phil Proctor

Published 9/13/00