STRANGER THAN FRICTION
A man in a pink pig suit was
pictured being cuffed by "pigs" on the front page of the L.A. Times Sunday
"Convention 2000" section. Behind him is a truck that has just dumped four tons
manure in front of DNC headquarters as off-camera Animal Rights protesters chanted,
"Meat is murder!" The headline is -- "And This Little Piggy Got
Danny Mann noted (between strike bulletins), that in a painful quirk of
geography, the street leading from the Madeleine church in Paris where a memorial for the
recent Concorde crash victims was held, goes directly to the Place de la Concorde; so as the
mourners filed out, the first thing they saw was a prominent street sign bearing the
single word: "Concorde."
Then there's Audrey Kishline, who created "Moderation Management"
promoting the idea that problem drinkers can learn to control their alcohol use, and was
sentenced recently to four and a half years in prison for killing two people in a head-on
collision driving drunk the wrong way down Interstate 90 east of Seattle. (Reuters)
But according to L.A. Times' Greg Miller, Patrick J. Naughton, former
Infoseek CEO, nailed for crossing state lines to make merry with a minor, was NOT put in
prison "because he has developed computer programs to help the FBI catch sexual
predators on the Internet."
Actor Peter Johnson wrote that this T-shirt from Bangkok sold out in one day.
It read: "Save the apartheid boycott of the lesbian Nazi lettuce growers for Jesus of
the nuclear whale." Peter says even
if you don't believe it, "You gotta admit that that is one damn catchy slogan."
Then, planeteer Rob Clotworthy gave me an article entitled "Man
Convicted of Fleecing O'Hairs..." And finally, excuse me for "raising" it,
but doesn't Lieberman, carefully chosen to get our minds off the man from Hot Springs'
oval office follies -- translate to "Loverboy" in German?
BUSH AND DICK IN 2000"
- Bumpersticker for sale at
news stand on Martel and Melrose.
"A little bit
of Monica in my life/A little bit of Erica by my side
A little bit of Rita is all I need/A little bit of Tina is what I see
A little bit of Sandra in the sun/A little bit of Mary all night long
A little bit of Jessica here I am/A little bit of you makes me your man..."
According to the Drudge report and TIME magazine, this song about womanizing, "Mambo
No. 5", kept the delegates "up" between speeches at the opening of the
Democratic National Convention.
"Obviously we're not using the original lyric," says convention planner Gary
Smith, who rewrote it with names of states instead of women.
I'm on TV! Omigod!"
Interview with hometown friends of one of the "Survivors".
Soon at your local market!!!!**
Caffeinated Oranges -- the one-stop breakfast! Super Jumbo Eggs -- one serves
12! Odorless Fish! Multi-Vitamin Lamb Shank! Personal-sized Turkeys -- pop 'em like quail!
Hamcheese -- your
multi-purpose cold cut! Long Lasting Lettuce -- 6 months guarantee, fridge or no! With
Genome-specific Dressing that matches your DNA! Rectangular Zucchini -- easy to grill!
Viagra Peas -- he'll never know (but YOU will!) Ibuprofen Tomatoes!! Pink Bananas -- kids love 'em!! And Protein
Potatoes -- who needs meat!?
**Eat them all -- before they eat you!!!!**
Player Wanted: Must Have Knowledge of Opening Clams"
- Sign in window in Montauk,
HAVE BEEN WARNED!
*On a blanket from Taiwan: NOT TO BE USED
AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
*On a helmet-mounted mirror used by US cyclists: REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE
ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
*On a Taiwanese shampoo: USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
*On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink: AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
*On a New Zealand insect spray: THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
*In a US guide to setting up a new computer: TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE
BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. Sensible, but the instruction was
INSIDE the box.)
*On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids: LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT
POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE
INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
*On a Swedish chainsaw: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
*In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles: OPEN OTHER END.
*On a hotel-provided shower
cap: FITS ONE HEAD.
*On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
(From Lenny Weinrib)
"Everybody celebrates St.
Patrick's day in a different way. Like in New York, it's big parade. In Chicago, they dye
the river green. And in Texas, they execute a leprechaun."
- Jay Leno
FOR THOUGHT, GRIST FOR
Advertiser pays $300,000 to play a commercial; ad agency receives $45,000 as a
pay-per-play commission; union actor receives $122.00 as a pay-per-play residual. They
want to take THAT away?
Martha Mayakis, a casting director with the Voice Caster, says in Back Stage
West: "I'm meeting some talented non-union performers, but I try to give them the
strongest impression that the [union] people who've trained at this for years are really
remarkable -- and they're worth what they get paid..." Casting director Terry Berland
adds, "Most of the time the client's need is met. But I really believe that... voiceover... is going to put even more pressure on
the ad agencies to resolve this ..."
I couldn't have said it better myself. Well - I could, but I won't cross the
line, or even say one, if it's not a union gig. But as this cursed strike drags on (thanks
to our non-negotiating advertising adversaries), I know things are getting really tight
because I received a letter from a realty company signed -- "Jason Alexander"!
"It's a sign of sanity to distrust power and to want to examine that which is
perceived as power."
- John Malkovich in "Playboy"
THAT ENDS WELL
"There are a
lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well, here's the
answer: It's simple -- nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low.
And of course the reason is geographical. All the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and Alaska,
and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C."
-- (From Zobo Bongo Davis)
[Go to next column
to continue reading]
"If you want to live like a
Republican, vote Democrat."
- Harry Truman
JUST SOUNDS FUNNY
Now that Joe
Lieberman is Al Gore's running mate, here are some possible scenarios if an Orthodox Jew
should actually make it to the White House: (Most of this is impenetrable to an Old
Amish/Catholic like me, but I laughed nonetheless)
1) State of The Union Address would end with an appeal.
2) Air Force One grounded on Shabbos and Yomim Tovim, and seats reconfigured to allow
space for minyanim.
3) Young Israel of Pennsylvania Avenue due to open across the street.
4) Supreme Court justice's robes to be routinely checked for shatnez.
5) Mohel appointed Surgeon General.
6) Traditional Easter Egg Hunt on White House lawn replaced by bedikas chometz.
7) Israeli diplomats visiting White House for State dinners will have to pre-order treyf
meals, or risk having to eat glatt kosher.
8) First Lady's inaugural gown to be ordered with matching snood.
9) National Prayer breakfast to conclude with ecumenical learning of Daf Yomi.
10) Secret Service to confer with local Orthodox Rabbis to discuss feasibility of
enclosing the White House and Capitol in an
(From Rabbi Margolis)
- Bumper sticker available on Fairfax.
LOST AND FOUND
(I found this chilling sign of the times at a Beverly Hills
"I'm sure I have been alienated by the Mrs. Clinton computer and my body has been
wired unwittingly. I was told to pick up a check for $50,000,000 dollars payable from the CIA on 8-9-00? Also on 8-9-00 my drivers
license was stolen. Please make sure my check is not stolen and cashed. I have not
received the check.
I want to join the CIA and I would like training. Please page me ."
(PS: If anyone finds this check, please contact me!)
"The last Busch/Chaney ticket was 'The Unholy Three' (1925) -
That's Mae and Lon, not George
W. and Dick..."
- Brian Westley
THROW ANOTHER BARBIE ON THE BARBIE
At last! NEW Barbie dolls that coincide with her true age.
* Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild
colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart
* Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton
and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
* Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available
with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
* Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new , roomier-sleeved gowns.
Good news on the tummy front, too - muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
* Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her
personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in
her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a tape of
"Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
* Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken 's car, and Ken's boat.
* Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl.
Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book
and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
* Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she
puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch clicking
through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex and the book "Getting In Touch
with Your Inner Self".
(Edited and Uncredited!)
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I
got a full house and four people died."
- Steven Wright
O-BIT YOUR LIFE
Exit left, Loretta (Gretchen Michaela) Young, or "Gretch the
Wretch" to her sisters. She had a long and bizarre career. She said of her film work:
"You had fun if you did your work well. There was no such thing as kidding around or
joking. It was a dead serious business." Now with an emphasis on "dead".
And a standing ovation for Sir Alec Guiness, the common-looking chap who
lives on in so many guises, and who was once told by a headmaster when trying out for a
school play, "You'll never make an actor, Guiness." He joined the Drama Society
nonetheless, and the rest is histrionics.
And finally, Charles Nelson Reilly, who everybody thinks is dead, is actually
very much alive and receiving standing ovations every night for his brilliant and
hilarious one man show "Save It For the Stage: The Life of Reilly" directed by
the equally gifted actor/director, Paul Linke.
Many of Reilly's tales came from his experiences in NYC in the 60 s, when I
was also there studying with Uta Hagen
as did he; and the audience he draws is almost as fascinating as his life as an actor,
director and teacher. We, for example, sat next to Suzanne Pleshette and Tom Poston. See
it if you can at the Falcon Theater in Burbank, because when it opens in NY, he'll have to
spread the stories out over two or three evenings!
"Over the years, [Hugh] Hefner has used his publishing empire -- and his
world-famous parties -- as a sort of bunny pulpit."
- Greg Krikorian in the L.A. Times, on the Loretta Sanchez fund-raising fiasco.
STRIKE TO END ON SEPTEMBER 21ST!!
That's right! That's the day Melinda and I are off to Ireland, and as
everybody knows in our business, if you want work, you have to leave town!
We'll be flying first to Cork, to pull a few, kiss the Blarney Stone, and search
for my Amish/Irish ancestors the McGonegals and O'Connors; then we drive on to Kilarney
and other green spots before ending our trip in Dublin, from whence the Proctors come.
I return October 11, for the taping of The Firesign Theatre's PBS Special
"Weirdly Cool" under the direction of Ron Ames of CRASH Films. We plan to have
the show finished for a March premiere during Philadelphia's WHYY pledge week!