"Read My Lips -- No New Texans!!" - Sign at Gore/Lieberman rally



STRANGER THAN FRICTION

   A man in a pink pig suit was pictured being cuffed by "pigs" on the front page of the L.A. Times Sunday "Convention 2000" section. Behind him is a truck that has just dumped four tons of horse manure in front of DNC headquarters as off-camera Animal Rights protesters chanted, "Meat is murder!" The headline is -- "And This Little Piggy Got Busted."
   Danny Mann noted (between strike bulletins), that in a painful quirk of geography, the street leading from the Madeleine church in Paris where a memorial for the recent Concorde crash victims was held, goes directly to the Place de la Concorde; so as the mourners filed out, the first thing they saw was a prominent street sign bearing the single word: "Concorde."
   Then there's Audrey Kishline, who created "Moderation Management" promoting the idea that problem drinkers can learn to control their alcohol use, and was sentenced recently to four and a half years in prison for killing two people in a head-on collision driving drunk the wrong way down Interstate 90 east of Seattle. (Reuters)
   But according to L.A. Times' Greg Miller, Patrick J. Naughton, former Infoseek CEO, nailed for crossing state lines to make merry with a minor, was NOT put in prison "because he has developed computer programs to help the FBI catch sexual predators on the Internet."
   Actor Peter Johnson wrote that this T-shirt from Bangkok sold out in one day. It read: "Save the apartheid boycott of the lesbian Nazi lettuce growers for Jesus of the nuclear whale." Peter says even if you don't believe it, "You gotta admit that that is one damn catchy slogan."
   Then, planeteer Rob Clotworthy gave me an article entitled "Man Convicted of Fleecing O'Hairs..." And finally, excuse me for "raising" it, but doesn't Lieberman, carefully chosen to get our minds off the man from Hot Springs' oval office follies -- translate to "Loverboy" in German?


"LICK BUSH AND DICK IN 2000"
- Bumpersticker for sale at news stand on Martel and Melrose.


HEY, MAMBO!

"A little bit of Monica in my life/A little bit of Erica by my side
A little bit of Rita is all I need/A little bit of Tina is what I see
A little bit of Sandra in the sun/A little bit of Mary all night long
A little bit of Jessica here I am/A little bit of you makes me your man..."
According to the Drudge report and TIME magazine, this song about womanizing, "Mambo No. 5", kept the delegates "up" between speeches at the opening of the Democratic National Convention.
"Obviously we're not using the original lyric," says convention planner Gary Smith, who rewrote it with names of states instead of women.


"Omigod! I'm on TV! Omigod!"
 - Interview with hometown friends of one of the "Survivors".


MR. GREEN GENES

**Genetically Modified Specials!
Soon at your local market!!!!**

Caffeinated Oranges -- the one-stop breakfast! Super Jumbo Eggs -- one serves 12! Odorless Fish! Multi-Vitamin Lamb Shank! Personal-sized Turkeys -- pop 'em like quail! Hamcheese -- your multi-purpose cold cut! Long Lasting Lettuce -- 6 months guarantee, fridge or no! With Genome-specific Dressing that matches your DNA! Rectangular Zucchini -- easy to grill! Viagra Peas -- he'll never know (but YOU will!) Ibuprofen Tomatoes!! Pink Bananas -- kids love 'em!! And Protein Potatoes -- who needs meat!?

**Eat them all -- before they eat you!!!!**


"Piano Player Wanted: Must Have Knowledge of Opening Clams"
- Sign in window in Montauk, NY


YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

*On a blanket from Taiwan: NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
*On a helmet-mounted mirror used by US cyclists: REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
*On a Taiwanese shampoo: USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
*On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink: AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
*On a New Zealand insect spray: THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
*In a US guide to setting up a new computer: TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
*On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids: LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
*On a Swedish chainsaw: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
*In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles: OPEN OTHER END.
*On a hotel-provided shower cap: FITS ONE HEAD.
*On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
(From Lenny Weinrib)


"Everybody celebrates St. Patrick's day in a different way. Like in New York, it's big parade. In Chicago, they dye the river green. And in Texas, they execute a leprechaun."
- Jay Leno


FOOD FOR THOUGHT, GRIST FOR
DE MILLE

   Advertiser pays $300,000 to play a commercial; ad agency receives $45,000 as a pay-per-play commission; union actor receives $122.00 as a pay-per-play residual. They want to take THAT away?
   Martha Mayakis, a casting director with the Voice Caster, says in Back Stage West: "I'm meeting some talented non-union performers, but I try to give them the strongest impression that the [union] people who've trained at this for years are really remarkable -- and they're worth what they get paid..." Casting director Terry Berland adds, "Most of the time the client's need is met. But I really believe that... voiceover... is going to put even more pressure on the ad agencies to resolve this ..."
   I couldn't have said it better myself. Well - I could, but I won't cross the line, or even say one, if it's not a union gig. But as this cursed strike drags on (thanks to our non-negotiating advertising adversaries), I know things are getting really tight because I received a letter from a realty company signed -- "Jason Alexander"! (TRUE!)


   "It's a sign of sanity to distrust power and to want to examine that which is perceived as power."
- John Malkovich in "Playboy"


OILS WELL THAT ENDS WELL

"There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well, here's the answer: It's simple -- nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason is geographical. All the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and Alaska, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C."
-- (From Zobo Bongo Davis)


[Go to next column to continue reading]


"If you want to live like a Republican, vote Democrat."
- Harry Truman


IT JUST SOUNDS FUNNY

Now that Joe Lieberman is Al Gore's running mate, here are some possible scenarios if an Orthodox Jew should actually make it to the White House: (Most of this is impenetrable to an Old Amish/Catholic like me, but I laughed nonetheless)

1) State of The Union Address would end with an appeal.
2) Air Force One grounded on Shabbos and Yomim Tovim, and seats reconfigured to allow space for minyanim.
3) Young Israel of Pennsylvania Avenue due to open across the street.
4) Supreme Court justice's robes to be routinely checked for shatnez.
5) Mohel appointed Surgeon General.
6) Traditional Easter Egg Hunt on White House lawn replaced by bedikas chometz.
7) Israeli diplomats visiting White House for State dinners will have to pre-order treyf meals, or risk having to eat glatt kosher.
8) First Lady's inaugural gown to be ordered with matching snood.
9) National Prayer breakfast to conclude with ecumenical learning of Daf Yomi.
10) Secret Service to confer with local Orthodox Rabbis to discuss feasibility of enclosing the White House and Capitol in an eruv.
(From Rabbi Margolis)


"GORE/LIEBERMAN IN 5761"
- Bumper sticker available on Fairfax.


LOST AND FOUND

(I found this chilling sign of the times at a Beverly Hills Kinko's):
   "I'm sure I have been alienated by the Mrs. Clinton computer and my body has been wired unwittingly. I was told to pick up a check for $50,000,000 dollars payable from the CIA on 8-9-00? Also on 8-9-00 my drivers license was stolen. Please make sure my check is not stolen and cashed. I have not received the check.
   I want to join the CIA and I would like training. Please page me ."
(PS: If anyone finds this check, please contact me!)


"The last Busch/Chaney ticket was 'The Unholy Three' (1925) - That's Mae and Lon, not George W. and Dick..."
- Brian Westley


THROW ANOTHER BARBIE ON THE BARBIE

At last! NEW Barbie dolls that coincide with her true age.
* Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
* Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
* Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
* Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new , roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too - muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
* Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
* Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken 's car, and Ken's boat.
* Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
* Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex and the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self".
(Edited and Uncredited!)


"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
- Steven Wright


O-BIT YOUR LIFE

   Exit left, Loretta (Gretchen Michaela) Young, or "Gretch the Wretch" to her sisters. She had a long and bizarre career. She said of her film work: "You had fun if you did your work well. There was no such thing as kidding around or joking. It was a dead serious business." Now with an emphasis on "dead".
   And a standing ovation for Sir Alec Guiness, the common-looking chap who lives on in so many guises, and who was once told by a headmaster when trying out for a school play, "You'll never make an actor, Guiness." He joined the Drama Society nonetheless, and the rest is histrionics.
   And finally, Charles Nelson Reilly, who everybody thinks is dead, is actually very much alive and receiving standing ovations every night for his brilliant and hilarious one man show "Save It For the Stage: The Life of Reilly" directed by the equally gifted actor/director, Paul Linke.
   Many of Reilly's tales came from his experiences in NYC in the 60 s, when I was also there studying with Uta Hagen as did he; and the audience he draws is almost as fascinating as his life as an actor, director and teacher. We, for example, sat next to Suzanne Pleshette and Tom Poston. See it if you can at the Falcon Theater in Burbank, because when it opens in NY, he'll have to spread the stories out over two or three evenings!


"Over the years, [Hugh] Hefner has used his publishing empire -- and his world-famous parties -- as a sort of bunny pulpit."
- Greg Krikorian in the L.A. Times, on the Loretta Sanchez fund-raising fiasco.


STRIKE TO END ON SEPTEMBER 21ST!!

That's right! That's the day Melinda and I are off to Ireland, and as everybody knows in our business, if you want work, you have to leave town!

We'll be flying first to Cork, to pull a few, kiss the Blarney Stone, and search for my Amish/Irish ancestors the McGonegals and O'Connors; then we drive on to Kilarney and other green spots before ending our trip in Dublin, from whence the Proctors come.

I return October 11, for the taping of The Firesign Theatre's PBS Special "Weirdly Cool" under the direction of Ron Ames of CRASH Films. We plan to have the show finished for a March premiere during Philadelphia's WHYY pledge week!

Slante!


 

8/15/00

 

 



Phil's "Signs of the Times"

Stupid Car Buyer on Duty

"Ralph Spoilsport's Best Customer?"
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim

 

PLANET PROCTOR
2000 by Phil Proctor

Published 8/17/00