"He who laughs - lasts!"


This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in Palaiseau. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now the sex message has been sent to you.

A hot man or woman (but not both) will visit you within four days of receiving this message provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't, then you will never again receive good sex for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, or remain that way.

Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in 96 hrs. Please send to ten people and see what happens in four days. Since the copy must tour the world, you must send this to 10 friends and associates.

After four days, you will get a surprise. (Or a disease.) GOOD LUCK!

"Flexible people don't get bent out of shape"
(Phil's Funny Facts)


Besides being in a play (see this Sunday's New York Times for more about Arthur Miller's "The Man Who Had All the Luck," now extended through June 25th), Melinda and I go to see others as well. We both recommend Zoo District's daring and inventive adaptation of Bulkakov's long-suppressed novel "The Master and Margarita," where the artists' biographies are as inventive as the staging:

D. Morris (Koroviev) has performed in theater, television and film. He would say more, but he is only allowed 45 stinking words in this bio. I mean, only 45 little words? What can you say in 45 words? 45 is not enough! Nobody could say anything significant in

Sonia Sanz (Prop Mistress) is an actress; she is acting the role of Prop Mistress. Her debut with Zoo District occurred in their last production, "Noseferatu"...

Neil Magnuson (Light Board Operator) Just arrived from New York this very minute.

Eric Snodgrass (Production/Light/Sound Designer) is very tired and needs sleep. Thank you and good night.

And my personal favorite, from a staged reading of a musical version of Louisa May Alcott's "Little Women:"

Gordon Goodman (Professor Bhaer) grew up on a cattle ranch and had no idea that by age 16 he'd begin performing with some of the major symphonies of the world. Soloist with the London, Prague, Pasadena, Utah, and Westside Symphonies, he has also composed pieces for the National Symphony of Bulgaria and the St. Charles Choir. He can be heard on many motion picture soundtracks such as "Twister" and "Independence Day as well as in animated films. He has performed with the likes of Bob Hope, Henry Mancini, John Raitt, Johnny Depp, Jim Carey, Steve Martin and countless (sic) others. His dozens of roles for the professional stage include the Prince and the Wolf in "Into the Woods," Charlie in "Annie Get Your Gun", Jud in "Oklahoma" and Lancelot in "Camelot." A published author, he has written two novels, four musicals, nine screenplays, ten children's books, and is currently developing two feature films for animation. In addition, he has a masters in psychology, a black belt in karate, and is a professional illustrator and sculptor. He bounces between LA and New York where his wife is a Rockette with the Radio City Rockettes.

See why they limit us to 45 words...?

"The reason Ronald Reagan became president was because he couldn't make the leap to director"
(Unidentified KFI weekend radio talk show host)


Excerpts from SAG president, William Daniels, who refuses to sag:

"The JPC claimed that during the strike they would continue 'business as usual.' What they have experienced is business interrupted and problematic as never before. They expected apathy and divisiveness. Instead, they have seen union solidarity and involvement far beyond what they could have possibly imagined, and our battle gains momentum every day. We continue to garner support from fellow creative, trade unions, sports associations and political campaigns.

"We have also won the support of the non-members -- the ones whom the JPC are depending on to replace us. To date, over two hundred non-union performers have walked off sets wreaking havoc and costing the production companies time and money. The estimated corporate losses caused by the absence of the professional actor in the multi-billion dollar advertising business are astronomical. The advertisers need us to sell their products. It is absolutely essential for us to remain steadfast as we move ahead in our fight to preserve our profession. The gains in this contract will be instrumental in the battle to reclaim fair and adequate compensation for the use of our images under all of our contracts.

"As Ralph Morgan, first President of the Screen Actors Guild said in 1941, 'We can only pity that man who has never accepted the challenge to sacrifice himself on behalf of a just cause; no matter what his material riches, that man is still poor.'"

For more information, check the SAG website, www.sag.org

"Here's hoping the strike isn't as long as the
E mails about it!"
(Danny Mann)


There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a major restoration job on the roof of one their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job.

And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder; and as the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold, right down to the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: (You'll hate me for this)

"Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"

"When I got a funny idea for a song," says retired satirical songster Tom Lehrer," I wrote it. And if I didn't, I didn't... I wasn't like a real writer. "


When I was born I was black, when I grew up I was black.
When I'm sick I'm black, when I go in the sun I'm black;
When I'm cold I'm black, when I die I'll be black.
But you: When you're born you're pink, when you grow up you're white.
When you're sick, you're green, when you go in the sun you turn red;
When you're cold you turn blue, and when you die you turn purple.
And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!

[Go to next column to continue reading]


More winners of the 1999 Washington Post Style Invitational to combine the works of two authors and provide a suitable blurb:

"The Hunchback Also Rises" - Hideously deformed fellow is cloistered in bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the good news.

"The Maltese Faulkner" - Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil?

"The Silence of the Hams" - In this endearing update of the Seuss classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables.

"Jane Eyre Jordan" - Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.

"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi" - Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia.

"As I Lay Winesburg, Ohio" - William Faulkner and Sherwood Anderson tell the unforgettable story of one man's ambitious quest to nail every woman in his home town.

"2001: A Space Iliad" - The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.

"Catch-22 in the Rye" - Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane.

"I'm a mess and you're a mess, too. Everyone's a mess. Which means, actually, that no one's a mess. Know what I mean?"
(Singer Fiona Apple)


"In English," said the linguistics professor, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

"When I asked about being born again, my mother refused"
(Paul Moor)


Three beggars begging on Wall Street, the first wrote "Beggar" on his broken cup and received $10.00 after one day.

The next day, the second beggar wrote "Beggar.com" on his cup and at the end of the day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars plus an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.

The following day, the third beggar wrote "e-Beg" on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix, a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

(From Jamie Alcroft)

"I didn't realize that I was getting old until yesterday. I was in my car waiting for my wife to come out of the grocery store, and when I saw this cute little 19-year old bouncing across the parking lot. I caught myself wondering, 'Gee, I wonder what her mother looks like' "

(Bob Lloyd's "Over the Transom")


10. Let's Get a Physical
9. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough
8. Johnny B. Olde
7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything
6. The Lack O' Motion
5. Hair Potion Number Nine
4. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)
3. To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before
2. A Hard Day's Nap

And the Number One Song for People Over 40...

1. Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door

"Doctors report that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
(Dustin Hoffman)

"Survey data now shows that 98% of Jews approved Janet Reno's retrieval of Elian Gonzalez. They knew what it was like to be trapped in Miami with relatives"
(Internet joke)


* Chastity belts require a password rather than a key.
* Last year's pitchfork not compatible with this year's hay.
* Lord Gates claims he has no memory of any memo describing his intention to "wipeth my arse with the Magna Carta."
* The "Good Plague" hoax.
* Horses routinely stop in mid-stride, requiring a boot to the rear to restart.
* The Microsoft Rack would work, but it would be three times larger than it should be and would never completely kill anyone.
* William Gates shoots Apple off the head of Steve Jobs.
* Use of a broadsword instead of yet-to-be-invented scissors explains Lord Bill's haircut.
* Stained Glass Windows MCCCXXXXV actually not released until Spring of MCCCXXXXVI.
* The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries, like stonemasonry and weaving.

(Submitted by Jim Reynolds)

"A sailboarder can't steer his boat without a strong opposing wind"
(Victor Shenderovich, writer for the Russian satirical TV show "Kukli" a.k.a "Puppets")


Sophus was 14 when he passed away this week in Oslo, Norway. He was my ex-wife's cat. I'll never forget Sophus demanding to be let in downstairs where I was resting after the long trip from the U.S. When I opened the door, he sauntered and swaggered his way to the stairs, grumbling, hissing and spitting to himself. It was an incredible, personal and remarkably expressive monologue -- a clear statement of his personality and his disgruntlement with the local birds who were relentlessly pestering him at that time in his life. Tak for alt.

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves"
(August Strindberg)



(C) 2000 by Phil Proctor

Published 7/15/00