"George Bush = He bugs Gore"
(Mad magazine from Dr. John)
ASK DR. LAURA
Dear Dr. Laura, Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I also know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Now I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? Then, Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
A friend of mine also feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? And Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Sincerely, Michael Moore
(From a Jewish bondage newsgroup)
"Back Off! I'm A Postal
MADE (UP) IN CHINA
"I was overjoyed when the company announced on television that my husband was the first survivor to be carried out of the collapsed tunnel," the widow of Chen Xuexian told a judicial inquiry in Guangdong Province, China. "I rushed to the tunnel to see him, but when I got there, a company official took me to one side and explained what had really happened. My husband was dead, and the people they were bringing out of the tunnel weren't workers at all. They were actors."
Investigators from Beijing have now uncovered what took place when the Ongyuan Tunnel collapsed in Guangdong province in September 1999, trapping a number of construction workers underground. The true death toll was nine, but the company feared bad publicity, so they ordered members of the rescue team to pretend to be victims. They gave them workers' overalls, and told them to lie down among the rubble in the caved-in area. Then they told the other rescuers to pick them up and carry them out in front of the television cameras, as though they had just been found alive.
The pretense completely fooled the journalists, who reported it as a successful rescue. It was only when the wives started complaining to the police about their missing husbands that suspicions were aroused. The nine bodies? They're still in the tunnel."
(Beijing Youth Daily, 1/18, from Dr. John)
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese," says Tommy Cooper, "and there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
CAN YOU TOP THIS?
The Top 15 Euphemisms for Impotence:
15. 180 degrees shy of heaven
1. Unleavened Man-Bread
"Life is just a bowl of
BOOK HIM, DANO
Readers were asked to combine the works of two authors and provide a suitable blurb in a 1999 Washington Post Style Invitational. Some of the winners:
"Machiavelli's The Little Prince" - The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.
"Green Eggs and Hamlet" - Would you kill him in his bed?/Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King./I could not do that evil thing,/Would not wed this girl, you see,/Now get her to a nunnery.
"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" - An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice.
"Where's Walden?" - Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.
"Looking for Mr. Godot" - A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a looong wait.
"Curious Georgefather" - The monkey sticks his nose where it don't belong and gets it cut off.
"Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby" - Having narrowly escaped a Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of actors only to find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as living in it.
"Tarzan of the Grapes" - The beleaguered Okies of the dust bowl are saved by a strong and brave savage who swings from grapevine to grapevine.
"Portnoy's Choice" - A man must choose between his right and left hand.
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity,
perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down"
SEX AFTER SEXTY?
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well,
tonight's the night we have sex." And so they did. As they are lying in bed
afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would
have been much more gentle with her!"
[Go to next column to continue reading]
MORE SEX AFTER SEXTY?
Two other senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives.
(From Bob Joles and Patty Paul)
"I was there at the beginning.
I kissed that girl's inner thighs when she was six days old."
Beware! In Idaho, it's illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. In Pocatello, the carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden unless some of them are exhibited to public view and in the town of Hood River, juggling without a license is strictly prohibited.
In Utah, birds have the right of way on all highways, you're not allowed to fish from horseback and although it's illegal not to drink milk, it is legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals -- but -- only if you ask for the wine list.
It is however, always illegal to detonate any nuclear weapons. (You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.)
Also, a husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence; and when a person reaches the age of 50, they can marry their cousin. In the city of Logan, women may not swear; in Monroe, daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor; and in Provo, throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine. Stay home.
"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog," says Cooper, "He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, an assistant asks: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"
THE SHOW MUST... GO ON!!
Famed actor and last of the great British theatrical knights, Sir John Gielgud passed away last week at the age of 96, creating the opening to shoot "Weekend At Bernie's 3" as early as this week.
"John was a great actor. I've never really seen his work, but I'm told he was," said Hollywood director Vince Lee, carefully adjusting the actor's corpse into an appropriately wacky position on either side of Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman for the screen test.
"Finally though, we have the acting clout needed to make this project a 'go' picture." The film will be shot entirely on location in Sir John's home outside London and his beach house on England's South coast.
"I'm glad we waited for John. We almost made the movie last summer with Bob Hope. But John is real class," Lee said. "And he's actually dead."
(John Walsh, Contributing Editor, MAXIM Magazine)
"If I've made it a little
easier for artists to work in violence, great! I've accomplished something"
WHO'S LOOKING ?
Great news for girl watchers: medical experts have discovered that ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout" declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.
She and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients, half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so. The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease.
"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby. "There's no question: gazing at breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."
Live Long and Prosper! (From Roger Steffens)
"So I was getting into my car," says Tommy Cooper, "and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
WALKING A THIN LINE
For those of you wondering if there might be some truth to the Advertising Industry argument that because of the decline of network TV audience size, the value of actors' performance in a commercial is worth less, here are some facts to ponder:
This year television networks can command rate increases of 15% or more for the time they sell, according to an article in the Monday, May 15 edition of the New York Times. Advertiser are trying to roll back the rates they pay actors but are willing to pay increased rates for air time. Furthermore, the six television networks, as a whole, set a record this season for total advertising revenue, taking in about $16.8 billion dollars.
As you walk the picket line, were you wondering how much money the head of an advertising agency that has placed you on the picket line makes?
John Wren President/CEO of Omnicom makes $3,424,000.00
Allen Rosenshine, President/CEO of BBDO Worldwide: $3,325,000.00
Edward Mayer, Chairman/CEO of Grey Advertising: $3,300,000.00
Keith Reinhard, Chairman/CEO DDB Worldwide: $3,220,000.00
(And remember, these are executives complaining that we earn too much.)
"It is not childish to live with uncertainty, to devote oneself to a craft
rather than a career, to an idea rather than an institution. It's courageous, and requires
a courage of the order that the institutionally co-opted are ill-equipped to perceive.
They are so unequipped to perceive it that they can only call it childish, and so excuse
their exploitation of you."
(C) 2000 by Phil Proctor