"We make the shit you write work!"
(Short-lived chant on SAG/AFTRA
Chiat/Day picket line)


Although about 1,500 agencies have signed the interim agreement, top voicecasters Kalmenson & Kalmenson in LA are putting out this word about non-union talent. For every fifty calls they make, fifty percent of the talent doesn't show, most come at the wrong time, and half the talent that DOES show is horrible, leaving only a handful of halfway decent actors to read the copy. Then, when the clients invariably complain, the Kalmensons tell them:

"That's why union talent is union - they're pros."

"Progress is more plausibly judged by
the reduction of deprivation than by
the further enrichment of the opulent"
(Economic Scientist Amartya Sen in
Time magazine, 5/22/00)


"I will use the money for vengeance against my enemies," declared Yuri Pulsive, the winner of $250 million, the biggest lottery in the United States.

Vowing that he would not allow his winnings to change his life, he is not quitting his job as a parking meter cop, and intends on using his winning to hire more cops to write even more tickets.

"I'm not even going to move from my apartment complex," he announced, declaring that his only splurge would be to buy the world's largest stereo system to play his scratchy collection of Barbara Streisand records over and over. Mr. Pulsive has announced that he has set aside about $2 million just for lifetime subscriptions to "Autopsy Today" and dozens of other useless magazines to be sent to everyone who made fun of him in elementary school.

"I'll be hiring private detectives to dig up dirt on everyone who ever insulted me or pissed me off," he said. "I'm going to make their lives miserable."

(By writer Michael Dare)

"Generation Color: the 3-minute change! Ask Your Hair Designer!"
(Beverly Hills billboard)


This letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of this list, and add your name to the bottom.

When your turn comes, you will receive 16,255 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.At the time of writing this, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, 4 of whom were worth keeping. Remember - this chain brings luck. One man's cat died, and the next day he received a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.

You can be lucky too, so DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!

One man broke the chain and got his own wife back.

"The main reason Santa is so jolly
is because he knows where all the bad girls live"
(From director Alan Meyerson)


These are real instructions to orchestras from conductors at rehearsals:

"There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them. Please don't use the depth-charge cccc. Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo way. Play short, especially if you don't know where you are.

"Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come up. Strings, I know what you're thinking: 'With all this racket going on, why am I playing?' Well, there's no time for existential questions right now. Listen to the tune, and then accompany it in a non-disgraceful fashion.

"That was a drive-by viola solo. The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before 26. You know, there's a fine line between artistry and garbage. Not that what you're doing is garbage, but it's close to it. It sounds like 'Orpheus in His Underwear'. This must be much more agitated. Think of someone you hate. Think of your mother. Imagine you're getting enough money for what you do.

"Now forget all the nasty things I said and play naturally. You're all wondering what speed it's going to go. Well, so am I. Play as if you were musicians. Play faster. It's getting late."

(Adopted from material submitted by Bob Joles)

"My understanding of truth can change from day to day. And my commitment must be to truth rather than to consistency."
(Post stroke Ram Dass in "I'm Still Here")


Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

"It's a Zen thing. Like how many babies fit in a tire"
(Christopher Guest in "Waiting For Guffman")


The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Intelligent people have more copper and zinc in their hair. Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only "mobile" National Monuments. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great ruler from history: Spades is King David; Clubs, Alexander the Great; Charlemagne - Hearts; and Diamonds, Julius Caesar. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th: John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

The city with the most Rolls Royce's per capita is Hong Kong. The state with highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska. Percent of Africa that is wilderness: 28%; percent of America: 38%. Number of people airborne over U.S. at any given time: 61,000. Percent of us who have visited Disneyland or Disneyworld: 70%.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of 11 is $6,400. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321.

That's what Billville's about.
All kinds of life.
Teeming baculums, narrowed-eyed Dinglebeeks,
riots of tick lilies, instincted hinks,
engorged gumstones, hibernating under heaving fields of numbing hemp.
And people. Don't forget the people"
(Firesign Theatre's "Boom Dot Bust," Rhino Records)

[Go to next column to continue reading]

"What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages? I've been married for years, and I keep having the same sex"
(From Patty Paul)


The Italian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine.
The Scot says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have scotch.
The Swede says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit.
The Russian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.
The German says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer.
The Greek says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.
The Jew says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.

"What do the vacuum "Dirt Devil" and Viagra have in common? They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand..."


All reports are in: life is officially unfair. I finally got my head together and now my body is falling apart. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everybody decide to play chess? It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. If all is not lost, where is it?

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go to get something, and then wonder what I'm here, after. The only difference in a rut and a grave is the depth.

(Proctorized from a submission by Aleta Braxton O'Brien)

"God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference"
(Internet prayer)


Paul Bartel, 61, droll character actor in numerous offbeat films and the acclaimed director of such cult hits as "Eating Raoul", his first self-financed film, and "Death Race 2000," in which members of the Firesign Theatre were offered roles and foolishly (since we ARE fools) turned them down, died Saturday of complications following treatment for liver cancer. Bartel's most recent role was Osric in the modern dress film of "Hamlet" now on screens.

"Eating Raoul," released in 1982 and featuring Paul, focused on a couple hoping to finance a restaurant through murder and cannibalism. What's so far out about that? Bartel also directed "Lust in the Dust" (1985) and "Scenes From the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills" (1989), in which he had story credit and acted, and in which I had the treat of adding voices under his direction.

Melinda and I were often invited to Paul's Fairholm home in the Hollywood Hills for parties, performances and musicales. He was absolutely unique and will be missed.

"In a car culture parking is very emotional. Especially when there is no parking."
(L.A. Times "Smart Meters" article by
Matthew Ebnet)


Stan Freberg's wife, Donna Freberg Andresen also passed on after a bout with lung cancer caused by a smoking habit that Stan says began with her association with the Rat Pack. Donna was Stan's partner, editor and producer throughout their life together and thus contributed greatly to his brilliant work on TV, radio and commercials. She is survived by their two children Donna Jean and Donovan.

Donations in her memory can be made to the Children's Bureau of Southern California, Orange County Division, 50 S. Anaheim Blvd., Suite 241, Anaheim, CA 92805.

And farewell as well to Sir John Geilgud. He was good. Really good.

"What fun is life without a little death?"
(Dylan Klebold)


Hamlet's cat speaks:
To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within, that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell.
To sit, to stare, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt.
To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears, trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten?
Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.


"We take small buckets to the infinite.
Take bigger buckets"
(Ernest Holmes, "The Science of Mind")


Troubadour/songster Bob Dylan, along with violinist Isaac Stern, was awarded Scandinavia's greatest musical honor last week by the Swedish Academy of Music in Stockholm for his "indisputable influence" on Twentieth Century music over almost four decades and demonstrating "an impressive ability to question the most determined political forces, to fight all forms off prejudice and to offer unflinching support for the less fortunate."

"Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon"
(The Dalai Lama)


Melinda and I are escaping the city today to celebrate our Eighth Wedding Anniversary. We will be exchanging gifts of brass or electrical appliances. We will also be hosting a party after the June 2nd performance of "The Man Who Had All the Luck" which has been extended til June 18th and possibly even until the 25th. Contact me if you want to participate. I'm the man who has all the luck. Love to all.


(C) 2000 by Phil Proctor

Published 7/15/00