"Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies"
(George Carlin in "Dogma")



A NEW SCHOOL PRAYER

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule,
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
But can't pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed!
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns, the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; my soul please take!

Amen.

(From Jan Cobler, Purportedly penned by a teen in Bagdad, Arizona.)


"How is The Sixth Sense like Titanic?
Sixth Sense: I see dead people.
Titanic: Icy dead people."
(From Bob Joles)


WE'VE EXTENDED OURSELVES FOR YOU!

Yes, "The Man Who Had All the Luck" has been extended until June 18th; and for those of you who want to see Melinda and me but haven't yet, here are your last chances:

Fri. 5/19 (@ 8pm), Sun. 5/21 (@ 7pm)

Memorial Weekend Off

Fri. 6/2, Sat. 6/3, Thu. 6/8, Sat. 6/10, Fri. 6/16 and Sun. 6/18.

The LA Weekly and New Times each devoted a full page to the play saying:

"...this is one of those rare productions that are elevated by actors in small parts. Director Fields has a cast to die for. Every single one of this group... seems struck with insight; there are no two-dimensional characters here. Evans' simmering paraplegic, John Combs' touching problem drinker, Mark Doerr's stricken minor-league pitcher, Philip Proctor's ridiculously sunny baseball father - they all come alive." (Edmund Newton, New Times)

"This Antaeus-Finesilver effort is the kind of evening that makes critics go soft and gooey inside, proof positive that there is a divine reason for theater existing in Los Angeles." (Steven Mikulan, LA Weekly)

I've also heard that TIME magazine is running a review in the May 22 issue where Richard Schickel calls it "a smart, wonderfully acted production."

Please come. And tell your friends.


"Radio is the theater of the mind;
television is the theater of the mindless"
(Steve Allen)


THE LOOOOOVE BUG...

Hey Hector, This was forwarded to me by Cassandra - it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings. Thanks, Laocoon:

++++++++++

***WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!***

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach. - from Poseidon

***FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!***

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

RE: Greeks bearing gifts

Laocoon, I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tip-offs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all. Next time you get a message like this, just delete it.

I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is. Bye now, Hector.


"The universe is full of magical things
patiently waiting for our wits
to grow sharper"
(Eden Philpotts quoted in
Discovery Magazine, June 2000)


IT'S IN THE CANNES

From a listing of all the films scheduled at the Festival according to Hollywood Reporter's special issue -- you can expect to sit through:

Help! I'm a Fish, Cats With Hands, The Chicken and the Cheerleader, Massholes, Faghag, Bogus Witch Project, Goat on Fire and Smiling Fish, Goosed, Taking Seat or the Arrival of the Peanuts, Traveling Bowls of Soup, Belly Fruit, The Assassination of Richard Nixon, Bang Boom Bang, Gunburst Vodka, Death and Texas, Things I Forgot to Remember, The Finger Kicks Again, Boy of Pigs, High Heels and Lowlifes, Ray Gun: Virtual Detective, Tap Water, Shark in a Bottle, Ants in the Pants, A Chinese in a Coma, Deep Freeze Girls, Harv the Barbarian, The Making of Teacakes or Cannoli, Uneasy Riders, Disco Pigs, The Sad F*ckers' Club, Life as a Fatally Transmitted Disease, Four Dogs Playing Poker, How to Kill Your Neighbor's Dog, PS: Your Cat is Dead, Nowheresville, Born in Absurdistan, Viva Las Nowhere, Beware of Greeks Bearing Guns, In Bed with Santa, White Trash Xmas, The Ugliest Woman in the World, God's Hands - Woman's Fingers, A Woman's a Helluva Thing and... Titanic: The Cartoon.

(Closer to home are these "Hollywood" titles):

The Hollywood Sign, Hollywood Sins, One of the Hollywood Ten, Point Doom, Steal This Movie, L.A.P.D. "To Protect/To Serve", Attack the Gas Station, Barbecue: a Love Story, The Bride of Double Feature, Public Toilet, Soundman, The Last Producer, Working Title, and... King of L.A.


"Rural Americans are real Americans.
There's no doubt about that.
You can't always be sure with other
Americans. Not all of them are real"
(Sen. Dan Quayle in the 1992 Presidential campaign)


[Go to next column to continue reading]


REALLY USED CARS

Planeteer Robert Clotworthy gave Keith Martin's NY Times article to me on the "Worst cars of the Millennium," as voted for on NPR's "Car Talk" -- so here are some of the best of the worst, as described by previous owners:

* The Yugo - "At least it had heated rear windows so your hands could stay warm while you pushed."

* Daihatsu Charade: "It was as if Daihatsu took aluminum foil and shaped it into a car."

* Ford Pinto: "Remember that great Pinto bumper sticker? 'Hit me and we blow up together.'?"

* American Motors Gremlin: "It was entirely possible to read an entire Russian novel during the pause between stepping on the gas and feeling any semblance of forward motion."

* Renault Le Car: "It would put you in mortal danger if you had an accident with anything larger than a croissant."

* Cadillac Cimarron: "When we traded it in, my wife was upset because we didn't keep it long enough for her to buy a gun and shoot it."

* Volkswagen Bus: "There was no heat - unless, that is, the auxiliary gas heater caught fire."

* Fiat X1/9: "It ran fine - that is, unless it was too wet, too cold, too hot or too dark outside."

* Chevrolet Vega - "As far as I could tell, the car was built from compressed rust."


"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice"
(Tommy Cooper)


ADDLED ADS

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog; Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel - 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog; German Shepherd: 85 lb. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

1 Man, 7 Woman Hot Tub -- $850/offer; Nordic Track: $300 - hardly used, call Chubbie; Snow Blower for Sale: only used on snowy days; Joining Nudist Colony! Must sell washer & dryer - $300; Cows, Calves Never Bred. Also 1 gay bull for sale; Nice Parachute: never opened - used once, slightly stained.

83 Toyota Hunchback - $2000; American Flag: 60 stars - pole included - $100; Bill's Septic Cleaning - "We haul American-made products"; Soft & Genital Bath Tissues or Facial Tissue: 89 cents; Georgia Peaches - California grown - 89 cents lb.

Tired of Working for Only $9.75 per Hour? - We offer profit sharing and flexible hours, starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour; Alzheimer's center prepares for "An Affair to Remember"; Open House: "Body Shapers" toning salon - Free coffee & donuts.

Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99 box; Fully cooked Boneless Smoked Man - $2.09 lb; Ground Beast: 99 cents lb; Our sofa seats the whole mob, and it's made of 100% Italian leather.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.


"I don't want to start again with some other jerk. I like the jerk I've got"
(Kathie Lee Gifford on
"Portrait of a Marriage", ABC-TV)


NOW/THEN

Act naturally, butt head. Resident alien found missing. Genuine imitation airline food. Plastic glass, childproof. Legally drunk? Alone together? Good grief! Almost exactly - same difference.

Government organization, business ethics, military intelligence, peace force, political science -- silent scream! New classic: soft rock. Taped live; small crowd, terribly pleased. Sanitary landfill -- synthetic natural gas. Exact estimate? Definite maybe. Extinct life -- living dead. Clearly misunderstood.

Sweet sorrow: twelve-ounce pound cake, diet ice cream, tight slacks. Pretty ugly! Passive aggression.

Temporary tax increase. Computer security! Microsoft Works.


"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck"
(Dalai Lama)


GET ON LINE!

Although more than 300 advertising agencies have signed interim agreements, here is a telling excerpt from an Adweek article titled "Business as Usual."

"Los Angeles casting agent Sheila Manning says there is no shortage of talent, and that her agency last week cast two comedy commercials with non-union actors. 'The majority of my clients feel comfortable shooting national network spots with non-union talent,' says Manning. 'They've been double-casting union and non-union. It's been a very busy six weeks.' Manning says the days leading up to the strike have given talent agents the opportunity to explore the depth of non-union talent available to the ad industry.

Compared to the last major actors' strike in 1988, when the talent pool was much more limited.

Manning says she has been pleasantly surprised this time around. 'Advertisers are paying more than fair money for the [non-union] talent, and they are getting people who are really good actors...' she says. 'If this is a portent of things to come, it is going to be very easy for production to continue, especially in L.A.'"

To be fair to Sheila, fellow actor Barry Pearl spoke to her on the phone and she asserts that everything she had said in support of the strike action was not printed; and Barry also noted that SAG representative Steve Barr has announced that all non-union actors who volunteer 80 hours of service during the work stoppage will be offered a guild card.

By the way, I read for a radio spot last week in competition with C. Grey Eagle, G. Rainwater, J. Great Elk Waters, M. Running Wolf -- and George Scabb.


"Frisco's comedian problem?
A shortage of straight men."


THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF EMAIL

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

(And the Golden Rule):

That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.


"We were beaming like idiots, and no one noticed. There were at least a half a dozen people in the car lost in their own Palms"
(A subway ride described by Joshua Quittner in his Time magazine article about handheld computers)


(5/15/2000)


PLANET PROCTOR
(C) 2000 by Phil Proctor

Published 7/13/00