"Did you know Elian liked to lick my face?"
Donato Dalrymple, the house cleaner who
rescued the kid on his first-ever fishing trip.)
quote from Tim Franklin


One of my oldest pals, Warren Lyons, sent me this item from his dad, Leonard's, N.Y. Post column, "The Lyons Den", back in 1950: Prize winner Arthur Miller heard someone calling him "Artie, Artie Miller." A man approached and said "Remember me, Artie? Mike Rothman. We were classmates at Lincoln High School." Miller's recollection was dim, and the man began to refresh it.

"What're you doing now, Artie?" he asked, and Miller said he was writing plays..." Ever get any produced on Broadway?" and Miller said he had one running.

"What's it called, Artie" the man asked, and was told "Death Of A Salesman."

"Oh," said the man, "you're 'Arthur Miller' then!" He shook his classmate's hand and said, "I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Miller."

"The Man Who Had All the Luck" (and great reviews) is being extended until June 18th, so if you want to see us, e-mail me for our new show dates.

"I believe in my cosmetics line. There are plenty of charities for the homeless. Isn't it time somebody helped the homely?"
(Singer Dolly Parton)


"How to Say I Love You"

English........................I Love You
Spanish........................Te Amo
French.........................Je T'aime
German.........................Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese.......................Ai Shite Imasu
Italian........................Ti Amo
Chinese........................Wo Ai Ni
Swedish........................Jag Alskar Dig
Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina,
South Carolina, Florida, Georgia,
Tennessee, Texas, West Virginia, Virginia
and Kentucky..........Nice Tits

"Don't Marry - Be Happy!"
(L. A. Bumper Sticker)


What Is The Proper Age To Get Married:

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)

What Do Most People Do On A Date:

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second." (Mike, 9)

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone:

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 8)

Why Love Happens Between Two Particular People:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 7)

What Falling In Love Is Like:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

The Role Of Good Looks In Love:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christi, 9)

Why Lovers Often Hold Hands:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

Confidential Opinions About Love:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

Qualities Necessary To Be A Good Lover:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

Surefire Ways To Make A Person Fall In Love With You:

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)

What Most People Are Thinking When They Say I Love You:

"The person is thinking, 'Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.'" (Michelle, 9)

How To Make Love Endure:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)

"Despite all this stuff about feminism and the ongoing complaint that men have all the power, in some ways we are better off than men. We don't have to get it up. "
(Betty Freidan from "Life So Far: A Memoir" - Simon & Schuster)


10. Sag! You're it!
9. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
8. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.
7. Kick the bucket.
6. Red rover red rover, the nurse says bend over.
5. Doc doc goose.
4. Simon says something incoherent.
3. Musical recliners.
2. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
(And the #1 New Game for Old People is:)
1. Hide and go pee.
(From Tom Tully)

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts"
(John Steinbeck)


There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic" and some have just come to light due to the success of the blockbuster film. For instance, back in 1912, Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in the next port of call for the great ship after New York City, Vera Cruz, Mexico. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery, and they were so disconsolate at the loss that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is, of course, "Sinko de Mayo."

[Go to next column to continue reading]

"The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them"
(From "A Charge To Keep" by
George W. Bush, 1999)


Provocateur/artiste Michael Moore (http://www.michaelmoore.com) recently held a press conference to formally announce a "candidate" for Congress -- a Ficus plant. "That's right," he proclaimed, "we are running a potted plant for the U.S. House of Representatives. Since word leaked out about us trying to get a Ficus on the ballot, over 20 other people around the country have also announced campaigns to get Ficuses elected in their districts.

We are shooting all this for "The Awful Truth," and it is our hope to see Ficuses and other houseplants giving incumbent Congressmen who face little or no opposition a run for their money. 95% of all incumbents get re-elected and many of them run unopposed. We believe the country would be better off with a Ficus tree sitting in Congress than some of these clowns.

So, check out our website: (http://www.Ficus2000.com) and send us a photo or video of the houseplant YOU are running for Congress and we'll put it on our show. Thanks for your help!"

"Learn to act like somebody else, but also be yourself"
(from Arthur Elgart's "Model Manual")


The Firesign Theatre has done it again! In our latest CD, "Boom Dot Bust", we created a Kung Fu Western starring Charlie Fatt. Now, "Shanghai Noon" starring Jackie Chan, is due out May 26th!

(Ours is funnier, but they're already writing a sequel...)

"Find a job you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life"
(Late KFI-AM traffic reporter, Mark Denis)


As I hope everyone in the nation knows by now, AFTRA/SAG is walking picket lines to protest the proposed roll-back of pay-per-play for TV and radio commercials. The advertisers flat fee offer has been flatly rejected and was, it seems to this union member, put forward to counter our request that such an single payment per 13-week cycle concept which has been in effect for the last 12 years on cable TV, be supplanted by a similar c pay-per-play schedule. We also asked that commercials be encoded for better tracking - something the agencies definitely want to avoid!

But what I have not heard expressed is the principal that created residuals in the first place; namely, that an advertiser is buying an artist's exclusivity to represent only his product. Remove the monetary incentive, and I think we should be free to sell any and all tooth pastes, dot.coms or gas guzzlers we want to compensate for the loss in revenue.

And let's face it, as long as celebrities ("stunt casting") are allowed to pull down six to seven figures for commercial buyouts, shelling out a fair commensurate wage to us lesser artisans will remain an issue! It's MADNE$$!!!

A reader of Steve Harvey's "Only in L.A." put it best, however, when he said that he was considering not watching commercials to support the strikers. What a sacrifice!

"Hey, hey, ho, ho! Corporate greed has to go!"
(Chant on the strike line)


A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

A file that big?
It might be very useful
But now it is gone.

Windows NT crashed;
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

(Uncredited Haiku from Steve Sandoz)

"A species goes out of existence every 20 seconds. Surely a new species must come into existence every 20 seconds"
(Idaho Representative Helen Chenoweth)

"Dr Alex Comfort, author of 'The Joy of Sex' has died, after a series of strokes"
(London Times, March 28th)


Larry Belling writes that his wife, Davina and he went to the Seychelles Islands in 1969 and as part of the holiday, a number of old movies were shown weekly in a tacky outdoor theatre in the center of Victoria, projected onto a couple of white sheets sewn together.

"On arrival," says Larry, "we picked up the local Seychelles Bulletin which proclaimed that that week's film would be 'The Comedy Man' starring Kenneth More and Dennis Prick. Thinking that the actor 'Dennis Price' would not be amused, I was heartened to see a retraction in the following week's issue.

"'We are sorry that we were wrong about the name of the star of the movie. It should have read Penis Price.'"

Patient: "Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. What's wrong with me?"

Doctor: "You're fucking crackers"

(Brit comic, Tommy Cooper)


"I've been in one place for too long. I'm sitting here in Los Angeles getting soft. Twenty seven years old, balding and without a shred of inspiration; petting my cat, thinking about exercise, never reading a good script. I haven't even had a decent dream in months."
(Nicholas Cage, quoted by The Curmudgeon in "Funny Times")

(Danny Mann)




(C) 2000 by Phil Proctor

Published 7/10/00