"Wub woo bub bub wub, wub"
(V.P. Al Gore in a 6th grade improv class)



OSCAR, MILLER, MELINDA AND JAG

   Well, it's all over but the hangover, and the statue named after Bette Davis' husband has been awarded to various folks in a generally flashy and fun evening, thanks in no small part to Billy Crystal.

   Still, Brad Schreiber, in his "Development Hell" column, decries a few omissions, among which are:

   "Best Use of Surrealism as a Metaphor for the Level of Pollution in Southern California: The frog rainstorm in 'Magnolia'... Best Use of Special Effects to Compensate for Keanu Reeve's Inability to Act: 'The Matrix'..." and "Movie Which Deserved More Nominations But Only Got Sound Effects Editing Because It Messed with People's Minds and Made Them Just a Bit Too Uncomfortable: 'The Fight Club'."

   But you'll be rewarded if you tune in to "Jag" this Tuesday at 8pm on CBS, because my talented and beautiful wife, Melinda Peterson, has a scene playing the Mom of a girl who's in a peck o' trouble for disobeying orders.

   And "It's Miller Time!"-- as previews start soon for the revival of Arthur Miller's "The Man Who had All the Luck", with a special preview on April 8th for all of you who have acted, directed or otherwise participated in a production of any other Miller play. It will be a very special evening, so call the new Antaeus box office line at 818.506-8462 (506-VINA) for reservations and details of other previews prior to our opening on Saturday, April 15th.


"Drive carefully. We need every taxpayer we can get"
(Patty Paul)


IRLANDO

   Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'Manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "Maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that -- perhaps next week, next month, next year, who cares?"

   The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.
"No," replied Brennan. "In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency."

(From Magic Mike)


A recent casting breakdown had the following call for a Volvo spot:
"GUY: Young, interesting, sexy, Dusty Hoffman or other Jewish hunk. Maybe Tim Rice..."
(Martin Lewis)


THE LOOOOOVE DRESS

   The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house only to find her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked.
   "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work."
   "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
   "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
   "Love dress? But you're naked!"
   "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy, and I 'd appreciate it if you'd leave because he'll be home from work any minute."
   The mother-in-law left in a huff, but she couldn't stop thinking about the love dress; so when she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
   Finally her husband came home, walked in and saw her standing naked by the door. "What in the world are you doing?" he asked.
   "This is my love dress," she replied.
   "Needs ironing!"


"I am not comfortable about the Brits telling us how to deal with our Bill of Rights. I think we settled that in 1776, didn't we?"
(NRA's Charlton Heston on Smith & Wesson's decision to offer safety locks) 

"Gun Control: Use both hands"
(Phil's Phunnies)


WE ARE THE WORLD?

   Taylor Jessen writes: "Xerox may have once held deed to the country; but now America, and in fact all nations, belong to another. Regular NPR listeners know that "The World is a co-production of the BBC World Service, PRI, and WGBH Boston." And I for one vote not to cut the funding."

   From the Freditor of the Firezine, in a silent movie chat group: "Hey Republicans! Tired of seeing the White House occupied by a glad- handing young Southern governor with a history of shading the truth about his business dealings, draft dodging, drug use and bad boy behavior? No, I guess you aren't."

   And Lyn Etienne writes by way of Bill Bowles, "I was working in a Wall Street investment bank when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system. My colleague Barry with his usual rebellious attitude entered the password "Penis". We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****


"What does an actor know about politics?"
(President Ronald Reagan, on activist Ed Asner)


I'M BUSHED

   "When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was Us vs. Them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there...This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses.

   Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? I think it's important for those of us in a position of responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the babies out of wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike...And, you know, hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't. There needs to be debates, like we're going through. There needs to be town-hall meetings. There needs to be travel. This is a huge country. Will the highways on the Internet become more few?

   The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are focused on what's best for America, honest men and women, decent men and women, women who will see service to our country as a great privilege and who will not stain the house.

   If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."

(Actual Geedubbya quotes)


"Be groovy or B-movie"
[From Thomas Pynchon's "Vineland"]
(Brian Price)


STREET PATRICK LIVES ON...

   May you have the hindsight to know where you have been,
   And the foresight to know where you are going,
   And the insight to know when you have gone too far.
   And may the most you ever hope for be the least you ever get.
  PS. St. Patrick was Scottish.


[Go to next column to continue reading]

 


"Don't smell it - sell it!"
(William Morris Agency)


AN UNCHAIN LETTER

   This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

   When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, 4 of whom were worth keeping. REMEMBER----this chain brings luck. One woman's pit bull died, and the next day she received an NFL offensive tackle. An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between an orthodontist and a successful gynecologist. You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!

   One woman broke the chain, and got her own husband back again.


"Picking the lesser of two evils still means you're picking evil"
(Jesse Ventura on the presidential race, citing Jerry Garcia)


WORLDWIDE SEX!!!

   Here are a few of the World's more important laws:
   In Lebanon - men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

   Muslim people are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??). In Hong Kong - a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

   The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?) There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?).

   In Cali, Colombia - a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia - it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

   Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) while back here, in Maryland, it's illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

(From Otis Paul)


   Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece:
   "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."


CHURCH IN THE LURCH

   From bloopers compiled by Richard Lederer in "The Funny Times":

"The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done."

"Would the Congregation please note that the bowl in the back of the Church labeled 'For The Sick' is for monetary donations only."

"Eight new choir robes are needed due to the addition of new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

"The next hymn will be "Angels We Have Heard Get High.'"

"Ushers will eat late-comers."


"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce"
(The Ely Standard)


"If you believe you may have had a child by Screamin' Jay Hawkins or if you believe you are a child of Screamin' Jay Hawkins contact http://www.jayskids.com"
(Dave Nuttycombe, from Yahoo! News)


PUTIN IS PUT IN

   "The plumber will come and will smash the toilet; the gasman will break the gas stove; the electrician will do the wiring in. But behold, the policeman cometh to say to them all:
'Enough of this horsing around -' "

(From a Poem by Dimitri Prigov c. 1980)


BUT HE'S OUT...

   Bigger-than-life man-of-all-trades Stanley Ralph Ross lost his long battle with cancer last Thursday. He was 64, and in those years became acclaimed as a prolific writer, (Batman, The Monkees, Columbo, etc.) musician and lyricist ("Chaplin"), actor, voice-over artist and businessman, who at the time of his death still owned a restaurant in Hollywood and a baseball team in Phoenix.

   One of his proudest accomplishments, which he crowed about to those of us who were blessed to be counted among his friends, was compiling "The Motion Picture Guide" with partner Jay Robert Nash -- a 17-volume encyclopedia of news and reviews about every film ever made, available somewhere in cyberspace, I'm sure.

   And it's "off the air" for Durwood Kirby, who's son Randy still plies his trade here in town. A versatile performer on early "live" TV, he loved telling stories of the bloopers that were endemic with the job in those days. In announcing a new sponsor called the Bond Bread Bakers, for example, he proudly pronounced: "The Blond Bed Breakers are on the air!"

Farewell to him and to "Kurwood Derby", too.


"Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, 'Your round.'
"The other one says, 'So are you, you fat bastard' "
(Brit comic, Tommy Cooper)


(3/27/00)


PLANET PROCTOR
2000 by Phil Proctor

Published 7/7/00


Many thanks to Doc Technical for his help with the links for this issue!