"I want to pay three or four dollars a gallon. I want to feel like I'm living in Paris"
(L.A. gas consumer, CBS Evening News)


Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begorrah, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other says, "A lovely little area it was; I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

"Faith, and it's a small world, so did I!" the first guy says, "And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it -- I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me own self!"

The bartender, shaking his head, mutters to himself, "It's going to be a long night; the Murphy twins are drunk again."

"You can't put shit back in the donkey..."
(The Sopranos, 2/27/00)


"While the Computer Age has ushered in many advances, it has also opened yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt men's souls," Georgia Reverend Jim Peasboro, author of "The Devil in the Machine" declares in the Weekly World News.

Peasboro believes that demons are able to possess anything with a brain, from a chicken to a human being, and today's thinking machines have enough space on their hard drives to accommodate Satan and his gang, although disk capacity is an issue. "Only a PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit," the minister explains.

"I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a dark force whenever they used their computers," he said. "Decent, happily married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic Web sites and forced to witness unspeakable abominations. Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally," he declared. "One woman wept as she confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer as if someone else or something else just takes over.' "

The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the parishioner's computer himself. To his horror, an artificial-intelligence program started spontaneously. "It typed out, 'Preacher, you are a weakling and your God is a damn liar.' " Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like gobbledygook. "I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!"

The minister estimates that one in ten computers in America now hosts some type of evil spirit and advises anyone suspecting that their computer is possessed to consult a clergyman, or, if the computer is still under warranty, to take it in for servicing. "Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently," he says. (But don't spill Holy Water on your Mac...)

(From Larry Belling)

"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand" (Stephen Wright)


From my beloved webmaster, Richard Arnold, in Washington AC/DC:

"You missed the kicker in your beef item: WIN A YEAR OF BEEF (http://www.fool.com/research/spotlight/contest.htm) -- I went to the page. It's true, they will give out beef. But in very very small print at the bottom, were these words:

" '* Due to the non-vegetarian nature of beef, all prizes can be substituted for an equivalent amount of soy or tofu products.'

"How much tofu would equal a year's supply of beef? How many soybeans? The mind boggles..."

Seattle's Richard Brestoff e-notes: "Speaking of corporations and their dominance, (was anyone?) I will never forget listening as a young man to Alistair Cook's Public Television show entitled 'AMERICA.' What struck me then and has remained a focussing principle of my life ever since was the announcement at the end of each episode given by a deep-voiced announcer, 'AMERICA is brought to you by a grant from the Xerox Corporation.' I've known who as in charge ever since."

Londoner Jeremy Clyde writes (on real paper) that his son Matthew was in a jewelry shop to buy a small gold crucifix for his girlfriend when the counter gal asked, "Do you want the plain one or the one with the little man on it?" To which Joan Shook Campeau adds, "I saw something in a pet store yesterday that I'm crazy about - a sign that said, 'Small Animal Starter Kit'..."

And por ultimo, Fidel Castro e-motes, "Eisenhower had to deploy five million men and tanks and airplanes to take Europe, but I've managed to destabilize the government of the United States with just two grannies!" (No, you can't have his e-ddress!)

"Rock'n'Roll is a phonied-up, made-to-order fad and disc jockeys do a disservice to the kids by playing it"
(Late filmscore composer George Duning)


Sally L. Ray, a candidate for a judgeship in a recent election for the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals, offered a unique reason for optimism as cited by fellow Firesign fool, Peter Bergman from The New York Times.

"I have a short name and an inoffensive name, which we all know makes a difference," she explained in The San Antonio Express News. (Incidentally, she's married to a judge already on the court named Alfonsus G. "Dead Johnny" Ray...)


Actor Robert Clotworthy received a unique piece of fan mail from Norfolk, Virginia, after appearing as a judge on a popular daytime serial.

"Dear Sir: I'm writing to you because you really upset me at your rude treatment of poor Sharon Newman. You act like you are in (sic) Alice Mitchell's side. I'm glad Al's record as a child molester came out at the custody trial. I know if you was (sic) a real judge and you ruled in favor of Alice, I would have a recall petition to kick your royal ass of the bench. No good person would allow Cassie to live with a child molester.

"I really hope your character will wake up and see Alice for the evil woman she is in life. Don't fall for her!

"I would like an autographed photo. Please reply..."

[Go to next column to continue reading]

"You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?"

"Habitual thirstiness?"
(From "Mack and" Jamie Alcroft)

"Artist Jordan McKenzie, who showed students a film of himself cavorting naked with a broom handle up his bottom, has agreed to leave his job as lecturer at the Cheltenham and Gloucester college of higher education"
(from "Chad and" Jeremy Clyde)


Several news items resulted from the flap over Fox's fiasco with the reality-based "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire" show, but my favorite observations came in our very own L.A. (Chicago) Times from Erik Nelson's comments in Counterpunch, where he wrote "...the Fox television network announced that it would no longer produce or broadcast such reality specials as 'When Good Pets Go Bad,' 'Alien Autopsy' or 'World's Scariest Explosions...' "

Wait a minute! "Alien Autopsy?" A "reality" special? Firesign said it first (and best) when it asked: "What IS reality?"

"They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:
2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuprofin, 1% Vitamin C,
95% Fix-A-Flat"
(Phil's Funny Facts)


"As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife, suddenly at my side. 'Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said.

"I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

"I love mustard -- I had no napkin -- I licked it off.

"It was not mustard!

"No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard), my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

(From Christine R)

"Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you"
(Steven Wright)


A nice young postal worker from the Australian mail service was sorting through her regular envelopes when she discovered a letter addressed: "GOD c/o Heaven..."

Opening the envelope, she read that a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life. was desperately in need of $100 and was hoping that God could send her the money.

The young Aussie was deeply touched and immediately made a collection from her fellow workers, collecting $90, and sent it off. A few weeks later another letter for God arrived, so the young lady opened it. It read:

"Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it. However I only received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post Office."

(From Billy "Bones" Bowles)

"In a recent on-line poll 38,562 women across the US were asked to identify their ultimate fantasy and 97.8% said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. One man is cooking and the other is cleaning"
(Phil's Funny Facts inspired by Ivan Berger)


There was a once-great actor who could no longer remember his lines, but finally found a theatre where they were prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "You must walk on to the stage with a single red rose, hold it delicately up to your nose, sniff deeply and say. 'Ah, the intoxicating aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled, and rehearsals go smoothly. Finally, it's opening night. The curtain goes up, the actor strides onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line. Suddenly, the theater erupted in peels of laughter. The actor, bewildered, stumbled offstage. "What happened?" he asked, "Did I forget the line?"

"No!" the director screamed. "You forgot the bloody rose!"

"If you believe you may have had a child by Screamin' Jay Hawkins or if you believe you are a child of Screamin' Jay Hawkins contact http://www.jayskids.com"
(Dave Nuttycombe, from Yahoo! News)


Associated Press translations of excerpts from Adolph Eichmann's 1,300-page prison memoir were released by Israel last week. He was executed in 1962.

"I was never an anti-Semite. My sensitive nature revolted at the sight of corpses and blood. Because I have seen hell, death and the devil, because I had to watch the madness of destruction, because I was one of the many horses pulling the wagon and couldn't escape left or right because of the will of the driver, I now feel called upon and have the desire to tell what happened.

"It was the biggest and most enormous dance of death of all time. The result was terrible chaos... the timetables of trains were being upset. My job was to observe and report on it.

"When I arrived at the place of execution, the gunmen fired into a pit the size of several rooms... I saw a Jewish woman and a small child in her arms in the pit. I wanted to pull out the child, but a bullet smashed the skull of the child. My driver wiped brain particles from my leather coat. I got into the car. Berlin, I told the driver. I thought about my own children... I drank schnapps like it was water.

"I still remember the work I had concerning a very secret investigation on the background of the Fuehrer's dietitian... It turned out that [she] was one in 32 parts Jewish... and Hitler married [her] shortly before his death. Her name was Eva Braun."

"How many really funny years do I have left?"
(George Meyer, writer for "The Simpsons,"
New Yorker magazine)


(C) 1999 by Phil Proctor

Published 3/15/00