SEAMLESS SELF-PROMOTION

Happy Valentine's Day! And speaking of love, the Antaeus' production of "The Liar" at the Secret Rose Theater in NoHo has garnered nothing but positive reviews, much to our relief as we had to memorize and mount this intricate, rhyming piece in just three-and-a-half weeks with a double cast!

Madeleine Shaner in Backstage says, "'The Liar' reaches a millennium zenith though it's only February. This is what theatre should be."

You have three more opportunities to see me make a "Phil" of myself in the role of Tristan, which I share with our wonderful translator, Dakin Mathews. And many thanks to those of you who have committed to our upcoming Sunday Matinee Theatre Party (featuring post-show wine and cheese), such as the aptly named thespian, Ham(ilton) Camp, who sent the following:

"...for the love of God, how many notices of your triumphant return to the boards must I wade through? Oh, you'd better give a performance worthy of the Tonys. If not, you will hear my very audible exit from the theater in mid speech... I expect to be mildly amused and pleasantly disappointed. P.S I also expect no less than a Jeroboam of Chateau Lafit Rothschild '85 or '89 and a charming little Danish Gouda after the show. No Ritz crackers please."

OK, but there's more! My Valentine, Melinda, just booked a top-of-the-show guest starring role on "Jag," and she and I have been cast in Antaeus' next production of Arthur Miller's first Broadway play, "The Man Who Had All the Luck." We start rehearsals next week and open April 15 at the Ivy Station in Culver City.

Impotence:
Nature's way of saying 'No Hard Feelings'
(From Patty Paul)

DIARY OF A VIAGRA HOUSEWIFE

Day 1 - Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Wussy.

Day 2 - Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long he even walks with a limp.

Day 3 - This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4 - A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 7 - This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you! But, have to admit...

Day 8 - I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. Sore as hell.

Day 9 - Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over.

Day 10 - The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was "The Smurfs Do Denmark." Even my armpits hurt. He's a nasty man.

Day 11 - OK, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.

Day 12 - I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minnelli albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13 - Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out. I can hardly walk; and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" butt-thing again, I'm gonna kill him.

Day 14 - I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy" makes "Father Woody" want to bark like a dog. Help me.

Day 15 - I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to... stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. I'm starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night, I told him to f*ck himself. He did.

(Uncredited)

"The best and most beautiful things
in the world cannot be
seen or even touched.
They must be felt... with the heart"
(Helen Keller)

TURNABOUT IS FAIR, EH?

Actor Paul Willson's favorite wife-headache joke:

He: Honey, do you want an aspirin?

She: Why? I don't have a headache.

He: Aha!

"In horse vernacular, Roy has always
'given me my head,' and I have
tried to do the same for him"
(Dale Evans about husband
Leonard Sly, a.k.a. Roy Rogers)

HORSE PUCKY!

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family got stuck behind an Amish carriage and on the back was a hand printed sign: "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust." (From Bob Lloyd's "Over the Transom")

"If you f*ck like you park,
you'll never get it in"
(Card allegedly found on the
windscreen of an inconsiderate parking hog)

"Vito Pitta is the inventor of the use
of hotel lobbies for emergency union meetings"
(Phil's Funny Facts)

POEM TO A NETHER MEMBER

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout.
Time was when of its own accord, from my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job, to find the God-damned thing.
It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave,
For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head, and watch me tie my shoes!

(Anon,and on)

[Go to next column to continue reading]

NOBODY HOME

* Hello, you've reached John and Sonya, we can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So, leave a message and when we are done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

* A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

* Hi. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send me money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

* Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

* Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. If you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

* Please leave a message. However you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us...

* Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.

"DRIVE CAREFULLY:
Your lovers are waiting for you"
(Philippines Billboard)

WHAT'S UP, DOC?

(Dr. Proctor's take on real doctors' charts):

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. Patient was alert and unresponsive. She is numb from her toes down. The skin was moist and dry. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. The patient refused an autopsy. The patient has no past history of suicides.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

(Original material forwarded by Tom Tully)

"T.S. Eliot said simplicity is difficult because it requires nothing less than absolutely everything. That's comedy. Get the laugh, kid. And damn, get the laugh - but not at the sake of losing your dignity."

(Jerry Lewis at the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen)

MEN ARE, LIKE...

Blenders: You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Chocolate Bars: Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Coffee: The best are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night.

Coolers: Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Copiers: You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Curling irons: They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Government bonds: They take so long to mature.

High heels: They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Horoscopes: They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Lava lamps: Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Mascara: They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Mini skirts: If you're not careful, they'll creep up on your butt.

Noodles: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Parking spots: The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

Plungers: They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Popcorn: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Placemats: They only show up when there's food on the table.

Snowstorms: You never know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it'll last.

Used Cars: Both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.

Vacations: They never seem to last long enough.

Weather: Nothing can be done to change either one of them...

"I think we're capable of going
exactly as far as we go"
(Celtics coach Chris Ford)

GOODBYE FROM THE HEART...

To "Good Old" Charlie Schulz, and director Roger Vadim, who said, "Staying faithful bothers me," but resented being called a playboy. "A playboy is a professional with women. Somebody who doesn't love them but loves the success he has with them."

And to Screamin' Jay Hawkins who said, "I came into this world black, naked and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it's a short journey. I will go out of this world black, naked and ugly. So I enjoy life."

"The love we give away is the only love we keep"
(Elbert Hubbard)

(2/14/00)