CYBER BABES

Faye Ellman's 5-year-old daughter, Maia, had her first computer class recently. After school, her mother asked her what she had done, and she said, "First I was on one computer and played on a drawing program, then I exited by myself and moved to another computer that had funny games, and then we got online." Mrs. Ellman was impressed... "What did you do online?"

Maia looked at her quizzically. "We took our partner's hand and walked back to our classroom," she said.

(From Enid Nemy's NY Times weekly column)

"Women are like tea bags;
put them in hot water and they get stronger"
(Eleanor Roosevelt)

WHAT'S THE HAPS?

For those of you who'd like to see me make a "fool" of myself in the Antaeus' production of "The Liar" at the Secret Rose on Magnolia this month, I'll be performing on Saturday the 12th and Friday the 25th @ 8pm and every Sunday (the 6th, 13th, 20th, and 27th) @ 2:30pm. If you can't make these dates, come anyway. Call 818.508-5436.

Also, Steve Kessler's "The Independent" starring Jerry Stiller and featuring me and Melinda as the parents of conjoined twins, debuts in the Film Discovery program at the Aspen Comedy Festival, Feb 9-13; and this week, I portrayed the head of the Oregon delegation in the upcoming TNT movie "Washington Slept Here" starring Tom Selleck and Faye Dunaway.

Selleck plays a Democrat. Now, that's acting.

"It was the most beautiful car purchase
I ever, ever, ever made in my life"
(L.A. Radio spot 2000)

L.A. 911

From my favorite stocking stuffer, the "365 Stupidest Things Ever Said" Page-A-Day from Workman Publishing, are these emergency calls from here on the edge:

"13-year-old girl stubbed her toe on a stereo speaker... Lady has blisters from working 3 days at a Taco Bell... Man is out of breath from running from the police... Person answered no to the question 'Are you conscious?'"

And in Oakland, police spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman barricaded inside his home. Finally, after firing ten tear gas canisters, they found the man standing beside them, shouting to give himself up.

"Tell them I have learned from mistakes
I may or may not have made"
(George W. Bush)

BUSHWACKED?

It was Perseverance Month at New York's Nashua Fairgrounds Elementary School, when Boy George visited a fifth-grade class to say "This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve."

Earlier, in a speech in support of free trade, he said, "If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow!" He also stressed the need for higher educational standards when he stated: "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?... When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world and we knew exactly who the 'they' were. It was us versus them and it was clear who 'them' was. Today, we're not so sure who the 'they' are, but we know they're there... This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental loss."

Well, as they say, like father, like son. Listen to Dad George:

"It's no exaggeration to say the undecideds could go one way or the other... Coming off a pinnacle, you might say, of low unemployment... To kind of suddenly try and get my hair colored, and dance up and down in a mini-skirt or something, you know, show that I've got a lot of jazz out there and drop a bunch of one-liners, I'm running for the President of the United States. I kind of think I'm a scintillating fellow."

Jewish telegram:
"Begin worrying. Details to follow"

SIGN LANGUAGE

**English well talking! Here speeching American!**

ELEVATING: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

MADE CERVIX: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

COMFERT CONTROL: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

SIGHT SEERS? You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. In a car: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. We take your bags and send them in all directions.

HERE FER SKI? Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

TRI OUR RESTRANT: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. The manager has personally passed all the water served here. Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. Special today -- no ice cream.

CLOSE: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. Ladies may have a fit upstairs. Order your summers suit. Dresses for street walking. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

RULLS: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

CHERCH: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

NEED DOKTER? Specialist in women and other diseases.

**Please leave your values at the front desk**

[Go to next column to continue reading]

"Do you sometimes wish you didn't have to
get up off the couch to urinate?"
(Radio spot 2000)

Y2KNOT

FOR SALE: 200 canned hams, 100 lbs. dried beans, 2000 gal. fresh water (including underground tank), 5000 watt propane generator, 75 MRE'S, 800 assorted canned vegetables, 8 cases sterno (24 per case), 18 boxes matches, 2000 rounds of 45 caliber bullets, 10 cases 12 ga. shotgun shells, 50 "D" cell batts., 75 "AA" batts., 47 "AAA" batts., 1 solar powered radio, 4 cases powdered protein, 1 milk cow, 1 bull, 7 laying hens, 1 rooster, 40x60 underground shelter (with separate livestock quarters), 1 wood burning stove, 8 cords wood, 43 assorted magazines (12 adult related), 12 flashlights, 8 kerosene lamps, 16 military blankets, many other misc. survival items. All items sold together or separately. Bids will be accepted starting 1/2/1900. Serious inquiries only.

"If you don't fit in, stand out!"
(Warren Lyons, creator of the
Peak Performers Confidence Course)

JUST LIKE THE PRESIDENT

President Calvin Coolidge once invited friends from his hometown to dine at the White House. Worried about their table manners, the guests decided to do everything that Coolidge did. This strategy succeeded, until coffee was served. The president poured his coffee into the saucer. The guests did the same. Coolidge added sugar and cream. His guests did, too.

Then Coolidge bent over and put his saucer on the floor for the cat.

(From "Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul" (C) 1996 by Canfield, Hansen & Hansen)

"One cat just leads to another"
(Ernest Hemingway)

HELP! I'M FEELING DISNEY

Voice-over artist Mickie McGowan caught this man-in-the-street interview on her redneck-of-the-woods local NBC-TV affiliate. The reporter asked, "So, what do you think of Einstein being nominated for 'Man of the Century'?"

"I think that's great," responded the nice yuppie couple, "He sure deserves it."

"And why do you think he deserves such an honor?"

"Well, that's easy. Everyone knows that one. He owns Disney!"

"Nobody in football should be called a genius.
A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein"
(Former football player Joe Theismann)

DRUNK AND DUMB

From Reuters News Service comes this heart-warming holiday tale from Britan's remote Caldey Island. 58-year-old Ray John wanted to spend a "dry" Christmas at the sanctuary off the coast of west Wales, but it was not to be, for after downing some smuggled booze, he started an a cappella midnight performance of his favorite carols. But the nineteen Roman Catholic monks who call the place home could do nothing to quiet him, because as the Abbot explains:

"We observe a vow of silence... We couldn't tell him to hush so I'm afraid some of us had very little peace that night. All we could do was lie in our beds and cover our ears."

John was asked to depart the following day, but he continued drinking. Police found the poor chap, silent at last after having "fallen off the wagon" at a train station, and fined him 50 pounds ($80) for being D & D.

"Doc, note, I dissent. A fast never prevents
a fatness. I diet on cod"
(Tim Tuffield's favorite
backwards and forwards sentence thing)

AN ORIGINAL JOKE!!!

Wife: Not tonight honey, I have a headache.

Husband: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Yes, that is my final answer.

Husband: In that case, I would like to call a friend.

(Richard Laible)

"I want all the kids to do what I do,
to look up to me.
I want all the kids to copulate me"
(Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson)

MAKING MEDICAL HISTORY

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.

"I was so poor that if I wasn't a boy,
I'd have had nothing to play with"
(Rodney Dangerfield)

MR SMITHEE, I PRESUME?

We're sad to announce the passing of Alan Smithee, director of 48 films and TV shows, including "The Indiscreet Mrs. Jarvis" (1955), the TV version of "Dune", "Hellraiser: Bloodline", and "Burn, Hollywood, Burn: An Alan Smithee Film". The last movie to bear his name seems to be "To Light the Darkness" (1999).

He worked with some of Hollywood's best directors, such as Don Seigel, David Lynch, John Frankenheimer, William Friedkin, and Arthur Hiller.

He is survived by his illegitimate son Thomas Lee, whose first film is the new release "Supernova."

(2/04/00)