"Whatever is going to happen is going to happen when it happens, regardless of what happens."
(Baseball player Mike LaValliere in "The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said" daily calendar -- Workman Publishing)



PLEASE BELIEVE ME

I haven't been sitting down here punching out Planet Proctors because every spare minute these days goes into learning lines for the Antaeus Company's world premiere production of Juan Ruiz de Alarcon's comedy "The Liar."

I will be doubling the role of the comic servant Tristan with Dakin Matthews, and we'll be opening at the Secret Rose Theater in the No Ho Arts district on February 5 after two previews on the 3rd and the 4th. The show will run four performances a week (three on the weekend of the 18th) for a total of 15 performances, until February 27

I'll announce the days of my performances at a later date but you can call 818/506-5436 for more information or visit www.Antaeus.org.


"Do geese see God?"
(Proctor's Palindromes)


LAP-TOPSY TURVY*

I am the very model of a Newsgroup personality.
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted too,
On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross posted to.
Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my sniveling,
And you're the one who pays the bill, downloading all my driveling.
My enemies are numerous, and no-one would be blaming you
For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you.

I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it).
I wouldn't know a valid point if I was introduced to it.
My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia.

The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery,
Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery.
I say I'm frank and forthright, but that's merely lies and vanity,
The gibberings of one who's at the limits of his sanity.
If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to;
If only Mom could find a circus freak show she could sell me to;
If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery;
If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery.

If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical;
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical;
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?

But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face,
It simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace.
To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity
Would be a fitting punishment for my egocentricity.

[Editor's note: the above is to be sung to the tune of "The Modern Major General" from the Gilbert & Sullivan's operetta "The Pirates of Penzance." Tom Lehrer wrote a wonderful set of lyrics to this tune, using as lyrics the Periodic Chart of the Elements. - RJA, ed.]


"Police had to break up
a riot at the Quasimodo Look-Alike Contest
when the crowd suddenly turned ugly"
(From Ivan Berger)


"The only reason he gets lost in thought
is because it is unfamiliar territory"
(Mortimer Zuckerman on George W. Bush in Newsweek)


DEAR SCHOOL:

Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. My son is under a doctor's care. Please execute him. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. (He was hurt in the growing part). Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. Jason had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


JUST ASKING...

Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. (Skinny dipping.) What do married men do twice as often as single men? (Change their underwear.) And 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never...? (Wear underwear.) What stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation which women prefer light and frequent and men, more strenuous? (A kiss.) 85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing what? (Cheating on their spouse.)

More women do this in the bathroom than men. (Wash their hands.) About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting. (Flush the toilet.) What are 40% of all people who come to a party in your home guilty of? (Snooping in your medicine cabinet.)

What's the only food that doesn't spoil? (Honey.) What do 100% of all lottery winners do? (Gain weight.) What is most Americans favorite smell? (Banana.) Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? (Their birthplace.) If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? ("One thousand.") What is the most popular boat name requested? (Obsession.) There are more collect calls on which day than any other day of the year? (Father's Day.)

What separates "60 Minutes" on CBS from every other TV show? (No theme song.) What's unique about the Beatles' song "Eleanor Rigby"? (The Beatles did not play a single note of it.) What trivia fact about Mel "Bugs Bunny" Blanc is most ironic? (He was allergic to carrots.) Thanks to whom? (Patty Paul.)



[Go to next column to continue reading]


"It's not easy getting up there and saying nothing.
It takes a lot of preparation"
(White House spokesman Barry Toiv in "The Stupidest Things Ever Said by Politicians," by Ross and Kathryn Petras)


IS OSCAR ENGLISH?

Eric Idle writes in the L.A. Times "Counterpunch" column his take on an article about more Brits being nominated for Oscars than Yanks. "It is because they are cheaper," he proposes.

"With stars costing around $20 million, producers have to fill up their casts somehow... and this is where Brits come in so handy: They seem to be happy working for almost nothing. It's almost as if they like doing it. Plus, they are extremely keen on piling into costumes and pretending to be Victorians. They are usually very grateful to be nominated and happy to be dragged out and interviewed, whereas back in England they are used to being ignored or asked to leave restaurants.

"[Finally], as we all know, they rarely win... Thus we can formulate the Gwyneth Paltrow rule: Being British will help you get nominated, but it will not help you win unless you are pretending to be British."


"I really don't consider myself a director.
That's a pretentious word.
Perhaps 'conductor' would be better.
I watch [the actors] and simply select the
best things from their bag of tricks"
(Late actor/director John Newland)


WATER, WATER EVERYWHERE...

According to Reuters, Venice, Italy, the watery city swamped annually by millions of tourists, has introduced a controversial surcharge on the price of using public lavatories a "toilet tax" designed to tap deeper into a "rich stream" of non-resident revenue.

While only 50,000 people live in the center of the city, another 10 million invade it every year, making heavy use of public services but paying little toward their upkeep. Introduced in September, what critics have dubbed the "pee-pee tax" charges non-residents 1,000 lire (52 cents) per slash. City residents, meanwhile, can buy a 6,000 lire three-year pass allowing them access to public conveniences for 500 lire a pop.

Tourists are pissed.


"An enterprising Rabbi is offering
circumcision on the internet;
the service is to be called - E-Moil"
(Phil's Funny Facts)


AND THEN THERE WAS ONE

Three tenors and a baritone were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go since otherwise the rope would surely break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally, the baritone gave a truly touching speech saying he would sacrifice himself to save the lives of the others. The tenors applauded.


YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

According to AP, Bonnie Hay of (Quid Malborg in?) Plano, Texas, won $500 and a copy of "The Death of Common Sense: How Law Is Suffocating America" by lawyer Philip K. Howard, in Michigan's Lawsuit Abuse Watch's third annual "Wacky Warning Label Contest." She found a label stating: "Never iron clothes while they are being worn" on an iron.

Second place went to a Traverse City man who spotted the warning "Not for highway use" on his 13-inch wheelbarrow tire, and third place went to another Texan who submitted this from a bathroom heater: "This product is not to be used in bathrooms."


"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no life guard"


VOTE FOR P'NISNOSE!

As revealed in the Valley edition of the L.A. Times, Firesign funnyman Peter Bergman has been hired to aid councilman Joel Wachs in his bid to become mayor of Los Angeles.

From his new office in City Hall, eerily reminiscent of his scene as "Mayor P'nisnose in our new Rhino CD "Boom Dot Bust," Mr. Bergman is hard at work, up all night, striving to help Wachs create a hands-on system of neighborhood councils linked by computers.

Pete has lots of experience both with local communes and being wired, as he lived for a time in the 60s on "The Farm," a San Fernando Valley artists' community that was also home to John Sebastian, Tie-Dye Mary, Linda Ronstadt, Jack Poet, our (Firesign Theatre) producer Cyrus Faryar, and members of the Modern Folk Quartet, not to mention fellow Firehead Phil Austin. And if Wachs gets wacky, blame Bergman!


THAT'S NOT PUNNY

There was a man who loved to make up puns and when a local magazine sponsored a pun-contest, he made ten different submissions in the hope that at least one of his puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


OBIT WRITER'S OBIT

Robert Thomas, Jr., a 60-year-old ex-classmate who dropped out of Yale "to major in New York," passed away last week. He specialized in writing New York Times obits about people who might otherwise have been overlooked: like Douglas "Wrong Way" Corrigan who in 1938, landed in Dublin instead of Los Angeles; and Edward Lowe, a sawdust salesman from Michigan who turned the kiln-dried granulated clay he sold for soaking up grease spills into a new product that made his fame and fortune -- kitty litter.


"Cats are smarter than dogs.
You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow"
(Jeff Valdez)


(1/17/00)


PLANET PROCTOR
(C) 1999 by Phil Proctor

Published 1/17/00