THE BUG STOPS HERE

Beatle Harrison attacked in his palatial estate! Boris Yeltsin steps down! The Lone Ranger dies! And they said nothing would happen...

Well, at least the "Ranger's Creed", as espoused by the late great Clayton Moore, lives on:

"I Believe: That to have a friend, a man must be one. That God put the firewood there, but every man must gather and light it himself. That man should live by the rule of what is best for the greatest number. That sooner or later, somewhere, somehow, we must settle with the world and make payment for what we have taken That all things change but truth, and that alone lives on forever."

Hi ho! He's still Number One with a Silver Bullet!

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."
(Hunter S. Thompson)

FUN FOR THE HOLY FAMILY

Alex Iles and Keith Snell are two studio session trombonists who played in a Beverly Hills/Bel Air area Christmas concert presented by the church's Ministry of Arts, Music and Drama. "For those of you who have seen the movie," Alex adds, "you'll know why we started calling the Production Manager 'Guffman'..."

"O.K. Everyone, work with me on this: let's focus, let's float with the feel, and all move within the envelope. It's Christmas - now go with that. Move, now, move! NO! Not the Magi! You have to see Jesus! Mary! Mary! Stop, go back. I don't want you out. Stay. No, don't stay, but don't leave. Can't you just go to the left and make a play area there without piercing the envelope that the others have established? Let's try that.

"I'd rather have the Magi move into a fun reveal, not a slow fade - do you follow me on this? Wait! Wait! Wait! That's not the fun reveal we planned for the Virgin. Let's do it again! Simeon! Simeon! Go back, you're penetrating the envelope of the Magi! Go back to your fun reveal. O.K. I think Jesus is not bright enough. Mary is glowing but perhaps we can have less of a fun reveal on her and more of a glow in Jesus. Can we NOT do a fun reveal here? I'm truly disturbed by the fun reveal. I don't think the fun reveal is warm. What do you think? Am I right on this?

"I don't have a bench here? Why isn't there a bench there? Joseph? Do you need a bench? Someone, give Joseph a bench. I thought there was supposed to be a bench there. -- That's a bench? It looks like a log!

"Thank you people. It looks like we have a show. Don't you think so? I do. What do you think? I know it's not perfect, but I think we all have a common concept and with the time we have left, I know we'll all find the same wave. By Sunday, I know the envelope will be solid. Good Night!"

(From Ken Gruberman)

LAST PUN OF NINETY-NINE

In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No." After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became... the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog!

YOUR PETS BE YOUR FRIENDS

Except for cats who gobble lots of table scraps, most felines are long and lean. So you don't have to be a Lewinsky to know that if you follow MISS KITTY'S MIRACLE DIET for just one week, you'll not only look and feel better, but will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food.

DAY ONE - Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food (any flavor as long as it cost more than 75 per can) and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat one bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for a while before stalking off into another room.

*Lunch: Four blades of grass and a lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

*Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

*Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. (Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.)

DAY TWO - Breakfast: Pick up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on a corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

*Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the Saturday dinner party. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

*Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

*Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave and track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE - Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

*Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down-filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

*Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks and overturn the bowl on the floor.

FINAL DAY- Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

*Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

*Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

(That's all there is to it! Go get 'em, tiger!)

[Go to next column to continue reading]

"Gee, this'll make Beethoven!"
(Walt Disney, touting the first "Fantasia")

ENGLISH BE A TRICKY TONGUE

No time like the present to present the present. We must polish the Polish furniture! They were too close to the door to close it. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. The soldier decided to desert in the desert. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

The farm was used to produce produce. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The buck does funny things when the does are near, doesn't he? When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. After a number of injections my jaw got number. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. The bandage was wound around the wound. Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? (Forwarded by actor/director Marcia Rodd)

"Pretend you are building a table.
Leave it up to the audience to eat at it,
to examine it, or to chop it up for firewood." (Producer/director/editor Sam Longoria quoting
editor/director/painter/sound designer
and film historian Walter Murch
on the art of cutting film)

SAY WHA?

Non-subscriber Paul Charosh claims that a friend purchased a veterinarian Barbie Doll which came in a cardboard vet's office featuring a sign announcing: "Your Pets Be Your Friends."

She apparently became sufficiently distressed for her child's mind to contact Mattel Toys, where she was informed that the product was discontinued but no one had ever before brought this grammatically challenged phrase to their attention.

The moral of the story? In this brave new world, "Your Pets Be Your Friends." Get used to it.

WHAT THE FCUK?

Garry Margolis sent me an article about French Connection U.K., a clothing store chain which was engaged in a fight over the domain name <fcuk.com>: but a Limey judge declared the case "a charade", citing that "F.C.U.K." was "no more than a euphemism for the obscene expletive."

What a closed minded prig. Fcuk him.

EXCITING PLACES TO LIVE IN 2000

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Bastard (Norway)
Twatt (Shetland and Orkney, UK)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Shafter (California, USA)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Braithwaite Wife's Hole (Yorkshire)
Seymen (Turkey)
Stains (Near Paris, France)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Turdo (Romania)
Fukum (Yemen)
Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Tittybong (Australia)
Dikshit (India)

MORE ABOUT BUGS

"DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans; and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form."

(New York Times, 1991, from producer Larry Estes)

WELL, I'M SHAKEN AND STIRRED

After extensive hands on studies that are still ongoing and will certainly hang over into the next century, a Canadian scientific team has concluded in the British Medical Journal that shaken Martinis are more effective in deactivating hydrogen peroxide and had stronger antioxidant properties than the stirred variety. Of the two ingredients, gin and Vermouth, the latter contributes more to the antioxidant properties of the drink, but the two combined create the best effect. However they say that the reason for this is not clear. (Hic!)

They also suggest that as James Bond does not suffer from heart disease or cataracts, he is apparently only a moderate drinker, although they admit they've not accounted for "the possible confounding effect of eating the olives served with his drink."

"Art is an escape from personality"
(Thom Gunn quoting T.S. Eliot)

AND SPEAKING OF OLIVES

At Union Square in San Francisco, the Westin St. Francis Hotel filed plans to erect a seven-story high, blow-up Martini glass with a ten-foot olive sliding down a swizzle stick to usher in the New Year -- only to run into opposition from the Rev. Cecil Williams from the nearby (and aptly named) "Glide" memorial Church.

"We are entirely respectful of the interfaith community," answered the hotel spokespeople," but we feel that the martini is an icon of today's world.

I'll drink to that! At midnight...

And "HAPPY 2000 T000 Y000!!!"

(12/31/99)