"Do you know what would have
happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have
asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a
casserole, and, brought practical gifts"
(Phil's Funny Facts)
HAVE A HAPPY PLANET PROCTOR!
I'm off to points East for theatre and grog,
A P.C. (PERSONAL COMMENT)
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all... and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.
NOTE: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
(From, but not by, Edgar Bullington)
HAVE YOURSELF A P.C. CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
MORE MERRY MIXUPS
Slot Machines -- Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity -- Is No Amity
Mother-in-law -- Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms -- Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness -- Genuine Class
Semolina -- Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries -- Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point -- I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes -- That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two -- Twelve plus one
Contradiction -- Accord not in it
IT'S A BOW-WOW WONDERLAND
Dogs tags ring, are you listening'?
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Straight from me to the fencepost,
YO! YO! YO!
Twas the night before Christmas, da whole house was mella,
Wit' slicked back black hair, and a silk red suit,
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
"What da hell you doin' pullin' a gun on da Don?
He sprang to his sleigh, obscenities screamin',
Q, WHERE ARE YOU?
Thespian Desmond Llewelyn, most famous for his long-playing role as "Q" in the eternal James Bond film series, died yesterday in a head-on collision in Great Britain as he was driving home from a book-signing of his "auto"-biography. Guess he wasn't driving in a Bond car, or he would have ejected. We will miss him, but John Cleese will have to do.
A PRESENT FOR PROCTOR?
Yes. Please refrain from sending me any email until I return on the twenty-ninth. When I go off on a personal trip, I am officially "off the beeper" and that means off line and off center as well.
I hope you've enjoyed this fourth year of the Planet, and if you ever want to "stop it and get off," just let me know and I'll gladly oblige. I do try to be original but this is also a spot for the best of spam, and though I try to add new flavors to old recipes, I realize that some of you may have already tasted the dish and want to try something new.
Have a Merry Whatever --
(C) 1999 by Phil Proctor