"Moderation in all things - including moderation"
(Richard Fish, LodesTone)


WICHITA, KS (DPI) - The Kansas Board of Education, following its recent decision to reject evolution as a scientific principle, today voted to discontinue the use of the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) as a measure of student achievement. In its place, high school seniors will be given an essay examination consisting of thirty questions in six subject areas, all of which establish a set of facts and ask "What would Jesus do?"

Kansas education officials indicated that answers deemed to be pro-Jesus would be given full-credit, while any "whacko," "politically correct," or "Jewish stuff" would not. There is no guarantee that high-scoring students will be admitted to college; however, all top-scorers will get one of those fish-shaped things for the back of their car. (Reported by Jim Rosenberg)

"You can observe quite a bit by watching"
(Yogi Berra)


While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, a Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue" by putting about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino.

The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly.

"Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately," said James Douglass, caretaker. "She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank."

During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, a number of small animals escaped and three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers' to remove his hands from her buttocks, but during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea.

"It was tricky. I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while," said Douglass. (No shit.)

Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, were also impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe. (I can't tell you how ironic this is. You'll just have to wait for the Rhino "release" of "Boom Dot Bust" and listen to the "Glue-It- Yourself Show"...)

"It's just crazy enough to work!"
(My favorite movie line)


The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean,
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face real clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side;
He will be a darling father
And good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking,
Cleaning and vacuuming, too.
He'll do anything in his power
To share his love with you.

The perfect man is sweet,
Writing poetry from your name,
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He never ever made you cry
Or hurt you in any way.
Oh, to hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay.

"If you find something you like,
buy a lifetime supply,
because they will stop making it"
(Melinda Peterson)


From various fishing magazines, this rhapsody:

Muddler flies, weighted nymphs, Wolff Dry Flies and capsize bug streamers. Dingy water crankbaits, clear-water backtails; Crappie and Bluegill Float Kits, wagglers for micro bedding; panfish with slip or fixed floats, plus super-sensitive stops and sleeves with combo hook-disgorger. Spoon-plugging for Lunker Catches and Crappie tactics, and -- a free subscription to "Gun Dog." Pure poetry. I'm hooked.

"If we don't have American Indian blood in us,
we have it on us"


In an old article by Peter H. Lewis I came across during a recent cleaning frenzy, is a list of anagrams for "Information Superhighway" that had apparently been making the rounds, so forgive me if I've written about this before. Anyway, my personal favorites follow:

"Enormous, hairy pig with fan, inspire humanity, who go far; a rough wimper of insanity. New Utopia? Horrifying sham! Oh-oh, wiring snafu - empty air! Hey, Ignoramus! Win profit, ha? I'm on a huge whispy rhino fart."

"Every day we should hear just one little song,
read one good poem, see one exquisite picture,
and, if possible, speak a few sensible words"


From Bill Bryson's Penguin Books' "Mother Tongue:" "Kennedy means 'ugly head' in Gaellic. Boyd means 'Sallow-faced or sickly'. Campbell means 'crooked-mouthed.' Cicero is Roman slang for 'a wart on the nose' and Machievelli means 'Bad nails.' The Greek name Kololotronis means 'bullet in the ass.'

"Shakespeare's father moved to Stratford-upon-Avon from a nearby village shortly before his son's birth. Had he not done so, the Bard of Avon would instead be known as the rather less ringing Bard of Snitterfield."

(It has also always amused me that Clinton likes to say he's the man from Hope, although he was actually born elsewhere. I guess it wouldn't have been a good political move to be known as "The Man from Hot Springs," even though it would have been a lot closer to the truth!)

"As we Yalies get older,
we become members of the I.V. League"
(P Proctor '62)


Silly person Bob Claster spotted a sign on Crescent Heights Blvd which reads:

"WARNING: You are leaving a permit-parking tow-away zone"

"This has really puzzled me," Bob continues, "and I think I've finally figured out two things that it might mean: 'You're about to experience a greater degree of freedom, and a lesser degree of restriction than you may be used to. Some people have found this disorienting, so please bear this in mind.'

"Or, maybe: 'The City of West Hollywood can now take no responsibility for the sort of person or car you may find yourself parking next to. Beware of riffraff.'"

Also, From Patty Paul, this bumper sticker spotted in Hollywood:


[Go to next column to continue reading]

"When you're young, everything is black-and-white;
aging brings shades of gray"
(M. Peterson)


Playwright, actor and hostess extraordinaire, Mary Willard, found this story in the April London Times: "Apparently the Globe Theatre, once Shakespeare's own, created some lovely gilt-edged date books to be sold in their book shop. They put famous people's birthday's on the date they were born, but neglected to add Shakespeare himself. When this omission was brought to the creator's attention he replied, 'Well, we can't possibly put every single famous person in it!'"

Mary's own play, "Elvis and Juliet" will be in London at the New End Theatre in Hampstead, Feb or March. (Dame Judy Dench is the head of the board, but we don't know when she was born...)

"At nineteen I knew everything.
I'll never be that smart again"
(M. Peterson)


"Based on records prior to the summer break, 29 members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse, 7 have been arrested for fraud, 19 have been accused of writing bad checks, 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses, 3 have been arrested for assault, 71 have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card, 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges, 8 have been arrested for shoplifting, 21 are current defendants in lawsuits, and in 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity."

(Peter Langston from Capitol Hill Blue)

"It could probably be shown by facts and figures
that there is no distinctly native American
criminal class except Congress"
(Mark Twain)


A few recent winners of a New York Magazine contest that changes a single letter of a common foreign expression, to create a new definition:

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you're Scottish.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle?

IDIOS AMIGOS: We're wild and crazy guys!

VENI, VIPI, VICI: I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

COGITO EGGO SUM: I think; therefore I am a waffle.

RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead.

LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI: The king is dead. No kidding.

POSH MORTEM: Death styles of the rich and famous.

PRO BOZO PUBLICO: Support your local clown (or politician, your call)

FELIX NAVIDAD: Our cat has a boat.

HASTE CUISINE: Fast French food.

MAZEL TON: Tons of luck.

VISA LA FRANCE: Don't leave your chateau without it.

L'ETAT, C'EST MOO: I'm bossy around here.

"I wish my network had more bandwidth..."
(TV spot for Advent Technologies)


From: Chief of Operations, Office of the Fire Chief

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following:

(1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

(2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

(3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to shreds), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

(4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

(5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

(6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

(7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen" or "residentially challenged", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".

(8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no longer playing records).

Thank You.

(And thanks to Magic Mike)

"Buy Milk of Amnesia.
You forgot how good it tastes"


"I gave up being serious about making movies when I did a picture with Greer Garson and she took a hundred and twenty-five takes to say no"

(Robert Mitchum as quoted in the Funny Times "Curmugeon" column by Jon Winokur)

Goodbye, George C. Scott.


Mille Grazie,



(C) 1999 by Phil Proctor

Published 9/24/99