"I have learned from the mistakes I may or may not have made.
When I was young and irresponsible, I was young and irresponsible"
(George W.)


In a recent NY Times, "Liberties" column, it was reported that back in the 1988 Democratic primary after Al Gore and Bruce Babbitt admitted that they smoked marijuana in the sexy 60's, "an earnest Richard Gephardt bounded up to the press in Des Moines to announce that he had done absolutely no drugs whatsoever -- ever. After a moment of bemused silence, one reporter piped up sardonically, 'Why not?'"

"Yes, when I was younger, I did try cocaine.
But I didn't inhale"
(Bob Harris)


Director Jeff Mandel's anesthesiologist-to-the-Sheiks brother just got back from an Hawaiian Holiday where he picked up a little tin of Libby's "Potted Meat Food Product" as a gift for his eclectic bro; and here's the unedited ingredients list:

"Mechanically separated chicken, partially defatted cooked pork fatty tissue, beef tripe, partially defatted cooked beef fatty tissue, vinegar, salt, spices, sugar, flavorings, sodium nitrite." Aloha!

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate
produces some of the same reactions
in the brain as marijuana.
The researchers also discovered other
similarities between the two,
but can't remember what they are"
(Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show)


Science News reports that the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office has rejected an application for a broad patent on the creation of human-animal genetic combinations, called "chimeras". The patent was rejected because a chimera "includes within its scope a human being," and people are not patentable. Unlike shiny leather shoes, I guess.

"Anyone who has never made a mistake
has never tried anything new.
You can't solve a problem with the
same kind of thinking that created it"
(A. Einstein)


1) What is a four letter word that ends in k and means intercourse?

2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and women love so much that they often blow it?

4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one, you can use your hands?

6) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

7) What is it that all men have one of, it's longer on some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his, and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

(Answers at end)

"Evangelists do a lot more than lay people"
(B.J. Ward in "Stand Up Opera" --
just extended at the Tiffany Theatre)


The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are at a doggie bar when a svelte female Collie sidles up and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence -- can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese," but the comely Collie says, "Not good enough, Dobbie."

The Bulldog barks, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "Clever, Winston, but no cigar."

Then at last, with his distinctive Mexican accent, the little Chihuahua pipes up, "Liver alone... cheese mine." And she is!

"President Clinton of the USA =
To copulate he finds interns"
(A. N. Anagram)


Evan Osnos writes more in the Chicago Tribune about the official transfer of late maestro Del Close's skull which occurred last month at the Improv Olympic on Chi Town's North Side, and notes that while Close may be the first actor to will his anatomy to a theater, there is at least one other who appeared on stage posthumously.

"George Frederick Cooke, a distinguished 18th Century English actor known particularly for his habit of performing while drunk, died in New York in 1812. After his death, theater historians say, Cooke's attending physician, Dr. John Francis, removed the actor's head for the purpose of studying the brain. The skull was later passed on to Francis' son who, in turn, delivered it to a medical school in Philadelphia, where it was placed in a library display case. Before he died, however, Dr. Francis acknowledged that he once lent the skull to a production of 'Hamlet' in New York.

Much of the responsibility for Close's care now falls to Goodman prop master Alice Maguire. She acknowledged that having such a distinguished new prop might pose some challenges. 'If it was broken on stage it would fall upon the props department to repair it,' Maguire said gravely.

Goodman officials say they have not decided on a suitable spot for Close's skull to reside when it is not on stage. One option, Falls said, could be a perch near the theater's bar, an ironically appropriate location -- given Close's many years of substance-abuse battles." I'll drink to that. Skoal!

"In the state of Kansas, evolution is
no longer considered part of science.
But that's OK.
In turn, science no longer considers
Kansas part of evolution"
(Bob Harris)


Planeteer James G. Williams writes that "Sunday, twenty thousand unemployed film makers marched down Hollywood Blvd protesting the migration of the film industry to Canada. A Vancouver production company saw their plight and is going to do a movie of the week about it to be filmed in Toronto. "

Reader Tim Tuffield's brother went back to school at about age 40 and picked up his Masters in Psych. In the transition from student to therapist he wore a button that read, "Unemployed therapist. Will listen for food."

And irrespressible "Hollywood Theater of the Ear" creator El Fiendo T. Mighty notes, "You may wish to inform the readers of your e-zine that El Fiendo has written a new book about folk beliefs regarding excrement. It's called 'Lore and Ordure.'"

And, from someone whose identity got lost in the editing process: "In Beverly Hills, Oliver Stone reached a plea-bargain deal on drunken driving and drug-possession charges. Oliver says he was at a bar and had only two shots, but some say there was a third shot on the grassy knoll."

[Go to next column to continue reading]

"The Heather Bitch Project"
(as listed in C I N (( E )) Z I N E)


If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You...

1,000,000 Sperm And YOU Were The Fastest??

Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot

Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

Where There's A Will... I Want To Be In It!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

I Have The Body Of A God -- Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates

Honk If Anything Falls Off

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Eat Right. Exercise. Die Anyway

He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.

"I have never been lost, but I will admit to
being confused for several weeks"
(Daniel Boone)


The following are new breeds now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, a dog nine out of ten Doctors prefer

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for CPAs

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, it doesn't matter

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu = use your imagination...

"I wish my butt did not go sideways,
but I guess I have to face that"
(Christie Brinkley)


Stanley H. Durwood, an entertainment industry executive who is credited with inventing the multiplex movie theater, died Wednesday night at his Kansas City, Mo., home. Services will be at twelve o'clock, 12:30, 1:45, 2:15... (Jon Delfin)

"'Love Me Tender' (1956) Elvis' first film finds him in the Civil War South, where he grows increasingly upset upon learning that Percodan and doughnuts have yet to be invented." -- Actual TV listing in the Marin Independent Journal.


Steven Bernhardt, film producer, writer and director whose credits ranged from the television series "Maverick", "Batman" and "Peyton Place," to the landmark 1969 motion picture "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," just died of cancer at 62. Steve also produced among other films, the 1972 Brian de Palma comedy, "Get to Know Your Rabbit," starring tap-dancing magician Tom Smothers, and co-produced Paul Mazursky's "Tempest" in 1980.

Steve, whose mother was ballerina Pearl Argyle, fled Nazi Germany with his family as a youngster to grow up in L.A., where he passed on last Monday.

At the memorial in his honor at Malibu over the weekend, everybody agreed that Steve was an impossible human being and the best friend you could ever hope to have. He will be missed by his huge extended family, which filled every seat at the seaside wake.

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances"
(Dept. of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina)


1) Talk

2) Legs

3) A Twenty-dollar bill

4) Firetruck

5) Fork

6) An Almond Joy Candy Bar

7) His last name

"An omelette on a plate is a beautiful thing,
except it's far less appealing when you think how
exactly the egg made its way out of the chicken."
(Hershey Felder from his one-man show,
"Gershwin" quoting George on the craft of composition)




(C) 1999 by Phil Proctor

Published 9/04/99