"An hour sitting with a pretty
girl on a bench passes like a minute,
but a minute sitting on a hot stove passes like an hour. That's relativity"
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF E-MAIL
"You could die abstaining from
I WAS ONLY FOLLOWING ORDERS
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K.
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y 2 K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year.
The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: Januark, Februark, Mak and Julk. I also changed all the days of each week to: Sundak, Mondak, etc.
I trust we are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
"My other computer is a slide rule"
IT'S A SIGN!
How many members of your sign does it take to change a lightbulb?
ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
LEO: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
VIRGO: Approximately 1.00000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No! On second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?
SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burnt-out bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...
PISCES: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --
THE BULB THAT SHAGGED ME
According to AFP, a gang of thieves were ordered to plant hundreds of daffodil bulbs along a main road in Rotherham in northern England, last autumn, as part of their community service, but when the bulbs sprouted this week, the blooms spelled out the words "Bollocks" and "Shag" in letters four feet wide.
People were coming from miles around to take a look at the flowers. "I can see the funny side, said resident Alan McCue, "but it doesn't really create a good impression of the town. They planted hundreds of bulbs so we're all a bit worried about what might come up next."
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football.
SAN DIEGO (Reuters) Teach a man to fish and he will eat for the rest of his life but give Nicholas Vitalich a fish and he'll smack his girlfriend with it. Police spokesman Bill Robinson said that Vitalich, 24, was arrested on charges of assault with a deadly weapon after he allegedly beat his 21-year-old girlfriend with a large tuna after an argument in a supermarket.
"Sex is emotion in motion."
SAN DIEGO (Reuters) An unidentified 43-year-old fisherman was taken to the hospital for treatment for broken vertebrae and a concussion, after co-worker Anthony Scott Tucker, 37,allegedly beaned him with a 20-pound tuna while they were counting and sorting the fish on their boat. Tucker has been charged with assault with a "dead" weapon.
HANDS ON STUDY
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. England, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
"A child born out of wedlock is a bungle of joy"
DROP IT, FAST!
The National Atomic Museum at Kirkland Air Force Base in New Mexico decided not to sell souvenir earrings shaped like tiny silver replicas of "Little Boy" and "Fat Man" designed to celebrate the 54th anniversary of the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki on Aug 6 and 9, 1945.
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable"
A man, clinging desperately to a tree as rapidly rising flood waters surge about him, is approached by a rescue team in a powerboat. "Jump in!" they cry. "No, thanks, God will save me." Says the man, and so they move on to the next victim.
A short while later, the water has risen to his chest, and the rescue craft, passes the man once more and offer aid, but once again he refuses saying, "I have faith that God will save me."
Shortly thereafter, the water swells higher still and begins to lap at his chin, but just then a helicopter appears overhead and on a bullhorn he hears "Grab the ladder, and we'll pull you up!" But the man refuses once again, and the flood overtakes him completely and he drowns.
Awakening in the golden light of Heaven and discerning St. Peter at the Gate he cries, "I demand to see God at once!" "Of course," responds the kindly Saint, and in the twinkling of an eye, the fellow finds himself face-to-face with the Almighty.
"What happened" he says, "I asked you to save me?"
God replies, "I sent two boats and a helicopter."
A memo from God to the Kansas Board of Education regarding their decision to eliminate the teaching of evolution as science -- by writer Gene Weingarten in the Washington Post, August 14:
"Did you read in the newspapers yesterday how scientists in Australia dug up some rocks and found fossilized remains of life dating back further than ever before? Primitive, multicelled animals on Earth nearly 3 billion years ago, when the planet was nothing but roiling muck and ice and fire. And inside those cells was... DNA. Incredibly complex strands of chemicals, laced together in a scheme so sophisticated no one yet understands exactly how it works.
"I wonder who could have thought of something like that, back then."
"People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them"
BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD
God made the world in six days flat,
A billion years went by, then He
(E.Y. Harburg, "Rhymes for the Irrelevant")
"Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of"
Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves:
(The Wit and Wisdom of Andy Rooney):
"Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
"Grandmas: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
"Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing."
A penny saved is worthless
(C) 1999 by Phil Proctor