"She hasn't had a break like that since the Dark Lady of the Sonnets sang Mammy songs"
(Of Jean Harlow's character in "Bombshell", MGM, 1933)

(Or, "You've lived in Los Angeles too long when…")

  • You provoke a massive televised freeway pursuit just to get your first TV credit.
  • You're so adjusted to the smog, instead of coughing, you backfire.
  • As long as the gunfire is relatively distant, you continue to sunbathe.
  • You go to Dodger games just for the peanuts.
  • Real breasts just aren't a turn-on anymore.
  • Your psychic has no clue to why your agent hasn't returned your calls.
  • You know what colors to wear in gang areas that don't clash with your business suit.
  • You cell phone a dirty remark to the cell user who just cut you off in traffic.
  • Even your "windows to opportunity" are tinted.
  • You attend a 12-step group for actors who got close to a part, but "They went another way".
  • You swear you see a homeless man with a sign that reads, "Will help you through childhood issues for food."
  • The underground Metro Rail system in earthquake country ACTUALLY starts making sense to you.


"New Zealand's Y2K Readiness Commission has declared 'Ken the Cockroach' as it's official advertising icon, designed to urge Kiwis to be prepared. They'll be among the first to experience the New Century and admire the roach for its ability to survive!"
(NY Daily News, 7/26/99)


(This real casting notice appeared recently on the bulletin boards of major on-camera agencies. I stole one.)

"Seeking females, 20s to early 30s. Must be in good shape, attractive to great looking and be real mothers with children. The women will need to be willing to audition in their bra and panties.

"These women do not have to be actress (sic), we will consider all friends, family members and lovers."

(Sorry, the print ad was shot end of July, but send me your pics anyway.)

"You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster"


Jay Leno says, "Looks like former House Speaker Newt Gingrich is getting a divorce. Isn't he the family values guy? Isn't that something! After the Republicans went after Clinton because of Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky and Jennifer Flowers -- who would've predicted a year later that Clinton would be married, Newt would be getting a divorce and because of Viagra, Bob Dole would be getting more sex than all of them put together?"

See? Even if you're over two years old, you don't have to watch TV or stay up late to get the funnies. We control the vertical; we control the horizontal.

"I heard about a surgeon who trained himself not to say 'Oops!' during an operation; he'd say, 'Excellent!' instead
(Phil's Phunny Phacts)


(Helpful hints on other things you can do with Coke.)

  • Clean a toilet: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl; leave it for an hour, then flush. The citric acid cleans vitreous china.
  • Remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub it with a crumpled-up piece of aluminum foil dipped in the Cola.
  • Clean corroded car battery terminals: Pour a can on them and watch it bubble away!
  • Loosen rusted bolts: Apply a Coke-soaked cloth on bolt for several minutes.
  • Remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy laundry with your detergent and run a regular cycle.
  • It will also clean road haze from your windshield, but don't pour it into your computer keyboard, and don't drink it.

"I like to take my dog to the park and throw tennis balls for him to fetch. Every time I'd throw the ball, he comes back with someone's wallet or watch or other piece of jewelry. The problem is that I lose a lot of tennis balls that way"
(Anna Chin-Williams)


A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back, are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells, and we all know that the over-consumption of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

"Have a GREAT DAY... unless you have other plans!"


(Selected Training Courses Now Available for Men):

  1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
  2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
  3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
  4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
  5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? You CAN Tell the Difference!
  6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
  7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
  8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

[Go to next column to continue reading]

  1. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
  2. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
  3. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
  4. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
  5. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
  6. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
  7. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
  8. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
  9. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
  10. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
  11. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
  12. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
  13. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
  14. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
  15. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

"I'd hang myself if I didn't believe in God"
(Drug addict in Islamisbad,
as quoted in the New York Times)


Among the DarWinners '99, several outstanding awards have been made and these are my personal favorites:

Minneapolis's Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards after suggesting a game of Russian roulette using a semiautomatic pistol, instead of the more traditional revolver.

Meanwhile, back in the USSR, A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't.

And finally, back home in Phillipsburg, NJ, An unidentified 29-year- old male choked to death on a sequined pasty he had "orally removed" from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk." Now he's really dead.

"Everyone is someone's weirdo"


Actor, teacher, TV director and dear friend, Richard Marion, died suddenly on July 19 at his home in the arms of his beloved wife, actress Ruth Silvera, after having just recovered from a prolonged bout with high blood pressure. A founding member of the Bay Area's Magic Theater, Richard was a radiantly talented actor who had just made a transition to three-camera directing for the recently Emmy-nominated "Everybody Loves Raymond," on which he had been an acting coach for years.

A memorial in his honor will be celebrated by his many friends this Sunday, and our love and condolences go out to Ruth and their two daughters. Richard was 50.

The man who brought the Nazi tape recorder and the T.V. laugh track to America was just erased at 85. John T. "Jack" Mullin learned about the German AEG Magnetophon recorder while on an army mission in 1945 uncovering advances in Nazi electronics; and after some modifications, working with Bing Crosby Enterprises, he produced a device that made recordings so real, audiences were convinced that Der Bingle was performing his radio show "live."

Later, in 1951, "Jack" developed the world's first videotape recorder; and although credited as well with the development of the laugh track -- he was reportedly not very proud of that particular achievement. (Hahahaha!)

In retirement, Mullin worked as a volunteer teacher, writer and lecturer and also recorded over 2,000 hours of books on tape for the blind.

"The consumer is not a moron, she is your wife"
(The late David Ogilvy, Legend of Advertising)


My computer hard drive died a month ago, and only through the dedicated and unselfish labors of my now new best friend, actor and Aspect Media entrepreneur Bill Bowles -- who's 360-degree panshot of the four Firesigns at Sunburst working on our next CD, "Boom Dot Bust" can be seen on the Firesign website -- am I back up and running again. Thanks!!!

Which reminds me of a funny story...

Jesus and Satan are chatting one day, and the subject of Computer Programming comes up. Soon, they're engrossed in a debate over who's the better programmer. This debate goes on for hours, and finally they agree to hold a contest with God as the Judge. They sit down in front of their computers, God says "Go!" and they begin.

For hours they sit, typing furiously, lines of code streaming up both screens. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes nearby and takes out the electricity. Two seconds later, the power comes back, and God announces that the contest is over.

"Satan," God says. "What did you come up with?" Satan is visibly upset, and cries out "Nothing! I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out!" "Very well. Let's see how Jesus did..."

Jesus smiled, hit a command on his computer; and instantly the screen came alive with a magnificent display of light and color, angelic voices pouring forth from the speakers.

Satan is amazed. "How is this possible? I lost everything, but his program is still Intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckled. "Jesus saves."



(C) 1999 by Phil Proctor

Published 8/6/99