"Art grows out of me like a toenail. I have to cut it off, and then it grows again."
(Jean Arp)


We're working hard at Bob Wayne's Sunburst Studio in Culver City on the new Firesign DVD/CD "Billville (AKA Boom.Bust)," hoping to finish it in time to be eligible for another Grammy nomination.

In the meanwhile, Tulis McCall's one-woman show "Running with Scissors" is still at the Court on La Cienega for the last two weeks of its Tuesday Wednesday shows. Some reviews for youse:

"McCall is very funny, always elegant and on target, with a cheerfully jaundiced view of the world... Philip Proctor provides lovingly unobtrusive direction." (Neal Weaver, "L.A. Weekly"). And Backstage West reviewer Brad Schreiber says, "McCall's transcendent writing and performance, and Proctor's keen eye, have helped [present] a dysfunctional family you cannot help but love, even when they make you squirm."

Tickets are available -- 20 % off to PP readers -- by calling 310-41-TULIS.

"Beware of a fork in the road or a knife in the water, or for that mattter, any Polish film with subtitles"
(Kehlog Albran in "The Profit" Price/Stern/Sloan)


As General Y2K said to host Harold Hiphugger on RadioNow's "Nightwhispers," "I was napping poolside at the Gulf War Swimdrome when the government put a chip in my ass -- and I'm not going to take it sitting down!"

Well, those who laughed at that remark better wipe the smirk off their faces, because there is a story circulating that during surgery to remove a bullet from a reputed mobster Vinnie "Gigi Portalia" Marino's butt, the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency may have implanted "a tracking device."

Although denied by U.S. attorney Daniel Stern in Roy Rivenburg's L.A. Times "Off-Kilter" column, Stern did say, "We cannot speak... for any extraterrestrial beings."

"It has remarkable ice-to-drink adaptability"
(From some 7-11 "Big Gulp" voice-over copy)


The Daystar International (Multimedia) Ministry of Richmond, Va. and Hereford, England, is going to use a "messiahcam" in the vicinity of the Mount of Olives pointed at Jerusalem's Eastern Gate to capture the Messiah's entry into the city as anticipated some time in Y2K. Although hordes of the faithful are showing up in person, ministry president Christine Darg asserts that they hope to satisfy legions of "couch pilgrims" with their webcam. Pictures will be beamed from the heavens to www.messiahcam.org. Hallellulia!

However, on June 30, I'll be busy watching regular TV to see what happens in the nation's schools after the opening of the R-rated "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut."

Matt Stone, the co-creator of the violence-pocked satirical, animated series starring rebellious kids, grew up -- where? -- in Littleton, Colorado.

"If we wanted great positive entertainment
for our children and we watched it, that's where
the ads would be [and] where the industry would be"
(Ross Perot to Larry King)


Rev. Jerry Falwell's National Liberty Journal which previously outed the Teletubby "Kinky Winky" as limpy-wristy, now reveals in the June "Parents Alert" column that the all-female "Lilith Fair" tour opening July 8th and featuring Sheryl Crow, The Dixie Chicks and founder Sarah McLachlan, is "demonic."

In ancient Jewish lore, God formed Lilith to be Adam's first mate, but she was expelled after refusing to be submissive. Thence, according to pagan legend, Lilith took up with demons, lost her mind after seeing her children murdered and, according to the Journal "went on a killing spree, seducing and murdering her own demonic male offspring and then slaying their children."

Lying, two-faced, obviously possessed tour PR rep Ambrosia Healy says the Fair got its name "from a woman seeking equality and independence." Sure.

"I don't make jokes.
I just watch the government and report the facts"
(Will Rogers)


Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today

Because they pissed me off.

Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the ass
That I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.

And help me to remember when I'm having a really bad day,
And it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown,
And only 4 to extend my middle finger
And tell them to bite me. Amen.

[Go to next column to continue reading]

"You owe it to yourself to see things, to live
deliberately, to suck the marrow out of the bones"
(Actor/director Joan Chen in the L.A. Times)


Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Why is the word abbreviation so long? Is it possible to be totally partial? What's another word for thesaurus? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Why is bra singular and panties plural? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they report power outages on TV?

"A condemned man does not start chain letters"
("The Profit" again)

(Illustrated by the author with twelve mystical,
hard-to-understand drawings)


(AP) Raising the right arm of the 12-inch-high "Rad Repeatin' Tarzan" switches on a recording of his jungle yell, but the spring-loaded arm can be pumped rapidly up and down from Tarzan's chest to below his loin cloth, a motion that some deem "sexually suggestive."

Although no changes will be made to the doll itself, the action figure is displayed in an open-front package so kids can try out the toy before buying it. And now Mattel's gonna make sure the arm is secured so it can't drop below Tarzan's waist while still on the shelf.

Then there's the story of the "perverted" talking randy Austin Powers doll. "Wanna shag?" Let's not even go there.

Mattel spokeswoman Sara Rosales said, Kids have a much more innocent concept. I think this is where adults look at things through a different set of eyes." Oh yeah? Let's ask Falwell...

"I am filled with humidity"
(Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis)


Although a recent expedition respectfully left the ill-fated, well-preserved 38-year-old body of 1924 English climber George Mallory 27,000 feet up Mt. Everest, they did bring down several artifacts for display at a Tacoma, Washington museum.

Among them were three letters, one of which was first believed to be from George's wife (but now seems to have been penned by an unidentified lady) and a blue and burgundy handkerchief. Eric Simonson, the mountaineer who led the expedition said, "It's just kind of amazing to think that George was blowing his nose in this."

Unfortunately, that wasn't the only thing he and his partner Andrew Irvine blew, as judging by the frayed rope still tied tightly around Mallory's waist.

The rights to these goods are presently in limbo, and Simonson adds, "An intellectual property lawyer would have a field day with this, because he could possibly bill for the next twenty years, researching it."

"Hey. Catch me at the unemployment office!
Every Monday, 8 AM"


This will be a short meeting.

They'll feel terrific once you break them in.

You can put it together yourself in five minutes.

One slice of pizza won't blow my diet.

You'll housebreak him in no time at all.

Of course bring the kids!

Believe me, NOBODY'S dressing up!



(C) 1999 by Phil Proctor

Published 6/27/99