"The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves, which make us wonder if it's possible that there may be something to them we are missing."
(Gamel Abdel Nasser)


January 3, 2000

(Re: Vacation Pay)

Dear Valued Employee:

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next paycheck will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.


Automated Payroll Processing

"Y2K is a government plot, and their tactics are easy to spot.
It's a chance for the Feds to put chips in our heads
so then they can tax every thought."
(General Y Tookie)


(I'm printing this so you'll stop sending it to me...)

Candidate A chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day; associates with ward heelers, consults with astrologists and he's had two mistresses.

Candidate B was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

Candidate C is a decorated war hero, a non-smoking vegetarian who drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.

Which of these candidates is your choice?

A: Franklin D. Roosevelt;

B: Winston Churchill;

C: Adolph Hitler

"Maybe this world is another planet's hell."
(Aldous Huxley)


Reuters reports that a certain Finnish academic, known for recording Elvis Presley songs in Latin, has set out on a new project: re-recording all the King's hits in the ancient Sumerian language.

Jukka Ammondt has already started work on "Blue Suede Shoes," which he is translating into the cuneiform language of Babylonia which died out around 2000 BC. "Elvis would have liked the idea, because the ancient Sumerians had big parties and drums and rattles," says Ammondt, "and the roots of rock may go back to man's earliest efforts to get a grip on life."

Meanwhile, in a Finnish village of Kutemajarvi, which literally means "spawn lake" and is nick-named "Lake Lovemaking," the only "cold fish" they want to see are in the water. The village is planning a summer Sex Fair to commemorate the U.N.'s International Year of Older Persons, providing those 45 and up the inspiration for taking a roll in the hay -- "and the hay to do it in."

They plan to mark out a trail through the region's forests and meadows, with signs leading to secluded areas suitable for intimate contact; and for those who shun "love in the wild," the trail also will pass several barns full of "aromatic and comfortable hay." Homosexuals are welcome, but voyeurs can forget it. And "animal lovers"...?

"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds,
there is a woman giving birth to a child.
She must be found and stopped."
(Sam Levenson)


A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery." The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or the mountains?

"I don't care," she says, "Just get the hell out."

"We must believe in luck.
For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?"
(Jean Cocturan)


Seattle police found an ill man curled up next to a motorhome in a pool of spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted that he was attempting to steal gasoline by siphoning it, but had plugged his hose into the motorhome's septic tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England -- but only in tropical fish stores.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into an Ypsilanti Burger King at 8:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. When the clerk turned him down because he couldn't open the cash register without a food order, the guy ordered onion rings. But the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. Frustrated (and hungry?), the would-be robber walked away.

"You can go a long way with a smile.
You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun."
(Al Capone)


"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," says football commentator and former player Joe Theismann. "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?" asked boxing promoter Dan Duva about Mike Tyson. "He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." "You guys pair up in groups of three," said Florida State football coach Bill Peterson, "Then line up in a circle."

Orlando Magic Pat Williams commented about his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." Basketball player Chris Washburn, "Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because I'm amphibious." And North Carolina State basketball player Chuck Nevitt on why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Utah Jazz president Frank Layden said about a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" And finally, Texas A&M basketball coach Shelby Metcalf recounted what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

[Go to next column to continue reading]

"Red meat is NOT bad for you.
Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!"
(Tommy Smothers)


Garry Margolis says you can order "Medical Psychosomatic Music for Therapy Constipation" from a Chinese Wind [sic] Records catalog. "The meter of the music will promote better digestion and allow the circulation of chi to gradually resume normal condition, resulting in regular stool." It's Garry's choice for telephone music while "on hold."

Or you could order "Dennis the Menace Songs" from the latest NARAS Awards Guide where "Dennis mixes up his own words to 15 all-time favorite melodies." I'm told it will have the same effect.

"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles,
watching the birds change color and fall from the trees."
(David Letterman)


Animal Activist and "Rugrats" daddy Michael Bell forwards this bulletin:

"In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fisherman to take extra precautions while in the field. We advise that outdoorsman wear noisy bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears and to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

"Outdoorsman should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear excrement. Black bear excrement is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear excrement has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea;
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
(A Bit of Fry and Laurie)


The S.C.R.U.B.S. catalog (Simply Comfortable Really Unique Basic Scrubs) which includes accessories like "colored ScopeCoats" for your stethoscope, offers the most amazing variety of patterns for jackets and surgical tops. To name a few: Cream Frog Vacation, Black Bunny Fields, Country Snowmen, Jesters, Theatrical Mask, Fairies and Wolf. There's also Aqua Frog Frenzy, Ribbit E.R., Bear Busy, Witches Brew, Midnight Cowboy, Rococo Mocha, Big Band and Urbanflage. What, no Patched Adams?

"Shakespeare was about 46 when the King James Version of the Bible was written. Well, in Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is 'shake' and the 46th word from the last word is 'spear.'"

(Phil's Phunny Phacts)


Some "Children's Books You'll Never See" from a Washington Post contest:

You Were an Accident

Strangers Have the Best Candy

Some Kittens Can Fly!

The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North America

Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!

How to Dress Sexy for Grownups

All Dogs Go to Hell

Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It

Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?

Bi-Curious George

Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver

You Are Different and That's Bad

(This list is good.)

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph."
(Shirley Temple)


Impeachment Cheap Justice William Rehnquist claims that those snazzy sleeve decorations he sports on his robes are an hommage to the Lord High Chancellor in Gilbert and Sulivan's "Iolanthe" who sings, "The Law is the true embodiment of everything that's excellent. It has no kind of fault or flaw and I my Lords, embody the law." If memory serves, I recall that the Chancellor also sings of being a guardian to several young ladies -- "All agreeable girls, and none are over the age of twenty-one."

I guess as Alan Watts was wont to say, "The only thing we've ever learned from history is that we never learn from history..."

"It's not over til the fat lady goes down on you..."


Veteran Showboat performer, Betty Bryant sailed away recently at the age of 76. Her daddy was riverboat impresario "Captain Billy" who's productions of "Ten Nights in a Barroom" kept the family afloat. In her book "Here Comes the Showboat" Betty says "A dependable leading lady must be able to run, duck, fall, get up, fall again, crawl over a bed and under a dresser, scream, swing by a rope, deliver an uppercut, struggle and kick and still have enough breath to say, 'If this is aristocracy, thank God I'm a country girl.'"

Or was that a quote from "The Paula Jones Story"?

"A lawyer is a person who writes a
10,000 word document and calls it a 'brief"
(Franz Kafka)



(C) 1999 by Phil Proctor

Published 2/1/99