"Too many people seem to think life is the tablecloth,
instead of the messy feast that's been spread out on it.
That's not life. Done right, life leaves stains."
From "Leading with My Heart" by Virginia Kelley (Bill's mom)


Melinda and I will be singing in "Over the Rainbow" -- a tribute to the lyrics of Yip Harburg featuring Michael Feinstein at the Center Theater Group's "Salon at the Taper," Monday at 8:00, February 1st. I'll be performing the "Quartet Erotica" with Anteus "Patience" Quartet mates John Appicela, Jeremy Lawrence and Bob Machray. Melinda will be appearing with Tim Curry, singing "Never Trust a Virgin." Tickets are pricey, but it's for a good cause.

"Due to a computer glitch caused by the Y2K problem,
the artist formerly known as Prince will now have to
party like it's 1899"
(Terry Sciarrino)


10.   "Husseinfeld"
9.   "Mad About Everything"
8.   "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
7.   "Suddenly Sanctions"
6.   "Allah McBeal"
5.   "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
4.   "Achmed's Creek"
3.   "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
2.   "Buffy the Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
1.   "Just Shoot Me"

This collection copyright (c) 1998 by Mike Morton <mike@mikemorton.com>


The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough; it takes up a lot of your time, and what do you get at the end of it? Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, and get it out of the way.

Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby. You go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating. and finish off -- as an orgasm.

(Anon for non)

"Look, if Jesus Christ had taken a poll,
he would have never preached the Gospel"
(Rep Henry Hyde, ABC-TV)


According to Jerry Falsewell, "The AntiChrist is already among us and he's a Jew." But Christ was a Jew, and doesn't "anti" mean "opposite?" So then, the A.C. should be a Christian, shouldn't he? Like, say -- Jerry!

Or -- Don LeFevre, Mormon church spokesapostle, who announced in December that e-mail and faxes are forbidden to Mormon missionaries in communicating with families and friends, so as "not to detract from missionary work" But, they can still phone home on Mother's Day and Xmas and write letters once a week. (All letters in the Roman alphabet are still currently acceptable.)

"This machine is like Yahweh: all rules and no mercy"
(Joseph Campbell on PCs)*

[*Impertinent Editorial Footnote: since I have the actual quote on my home page, I could not in good conscience allow this misquote to remain. The actual Joseph Campbell quote is "I have bought this wonderful machine -- a computer. Now I am rather an authority on gods, so I identified the machine -- it seems to me to be an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules, and no mercy." -- RJA]


"Salon" reported that ABC News was the latest mainstream news outlet to mistakenly site as fact the obviously satirical (to me, anyway, which is why I didn't print it here) "Chinese Movie Title" list from "TopFive.com."

Peter Jennings closed a report by repeating, in all seriousness, that "Babe's" Cantonese translation was "The Happy Dumpling-to-be Who Talks and Solves Agricultural Problems." Salon consulted their "bureau" in China -- a reader named Chuck Allanson who teaches English in Jinzhou City and discovered that, in fact, the title of "Babe" in Chinese is, "Little Pig Babe", which is as Allanson put it: "Pretty boring." But with the aid of his students and a native who runs a video store, Chuck submitted these accurate movie translations:

"Hamlet" - The Story of the King's Son Who Kills for Revenge

"The Grapes of Wrath" - Angry Flowers

"Frankenstein" - The Silent Strange Man

"Gone With the Wind" - The Confused World of a Beautiful Woman

"Clueless" - Clever Women's Power Manager

"Boogie Nights" - Fanatical Dance Night

"Fargo" - Ice Blood Cruel and Sudden

"Scream" - Deprive Life Crazy Shout

"Psycho" - Sight Fear Touch Heart (idiomatically) "See it and become scared."

Half an hour later, it's still scary...

"This is a decade that worships fame itself,
regardless of what you're famous for"
Steven Brill of "Brill's Content"


"Development Hell" columnist, author, and Market Master Brad Schrieber presents the following "Hot tips" for all you investor: "There are 3 new kinds of government bonds being issued: the Lewinsky, the Gore, and the Clinton. The Lewinsky has no maturity, the Gore has no interest, and the Clinton has no principle!"

Buy now! Pay later...

"There's No Rush, DeLay Says"
(Wilmington Del. News Journal, 12/24/98)


Hank Rosenfeld thinks he's got the solution to what those "damn press types" constantly call a "boring trial" and he's not proposing a "Triers Club Roast" either. His idea? Borrow those li'l "Pop Ups!" from VH1!

This way when Bob Barr is jawing off, we get a Pop Up that says: "He gave speech to white supremacist group recently."

It'll be a Pop Up Impeachment!

Hank can be seen in "Women Are From Venice, Men Are From Mar Vista" at the Silver Lake Company Of Angels, 2106 Hyperion Avenue, every Wed thru February at 8:30. (323 883 1717)

[Go to next column to continue reading]

"Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress...
But I repeat myself"
(Mark Twain)


  • 3M and Goodyear merge to become MMM-Good.
  • Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers -- Polly-Warner-Cracker.
  • John Deere and Abitibi-Price -- Deere Abi.
  • Zippo, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining -- Zip Audi Do Da.
  • Denison Mines and Alliance and Metal Mining -- Mine, All Mine.
  • Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil -- Honey I'm Home.
  • Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organisation for Women -- Knott NOW.
  • Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company? --Hale/Mary/Fuller/ Grace.

(From Richard Brestoff)

"My mother said to me,
'If you become a soldier you'll be a general;
if you become a monk you'll end up as the pope.'
Instead, I became a painter and
wound up as Picasso"
(Pablo Picasso)



A man on a business trip in Houston buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots and can't wait to show them to his wife. Upon returning late the next evening, he quickly strips naked except for his new boots and steps into the bedroom

"Well, honey, do you notice anything special?" he asks; to which the Mrs. replies, "Yeah, it's limp!"

"It's not limp!" exclaims the husband. "It's just admiring my new snakeskin boots!"

"Next time -- buy a hat."

"Have you ever noticed?
Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac"
(George "Vote for FST" Carlin)


From brother-in-law Jim Bryce: "Congratulations on the Grammy nomination. I can't see how you guys can lose. The Brooks/Reiner bit is old hat. The Martin piece is 'pure drivel'. Everyone watched the Seinfeld performance, so they have no incentive to listen to it, and who's Jeff Foxworthy? Good luck at the ceremony. Keep your pickle in your pocket and don't forget your fezes (Shrine Auditorium and all that)." Too bad he can't vote...

"People may look at me, or they may not.
I will still bloom."
(Late Bamboo Flutemaster, Goro Yamaguchi)


If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM.

Quickly turn off the computer,
and be sure to tell your mom.

"A German couple drove into a river near Berlin
one night because their computer
navigation system didn't tell them to
stop and wait for a ferry"


"President Clinton of the USA" can be rearranged with no letters left over using each letter only once, into -- "To copulate he finds interns."

"Mister Newton Gingrich:" (grin) "Nice right-wing monster, got him screwing intern."

"Speaker of the House" - "USA, seek the proof, eh? Oh, upset fake heroes..."

"Speaker Bob Livingston" - "Vigilant probe boss, Ken! GOP rants, invokes Bible. Ok, GOP! Sensible! Vibrant! (Rabble, invent gossip, ok?) Veteran GOP boss: I blink! Sink vast, ignoble probe..."

"Marital indiscretions" - "Monica is strident liar. DNA is similar. Liaison! Contrite? 'Indict me, Starr!' Insist, real dirt, Monica! Cardinal sin? 'I'm so trite!' America lost in dirt, sin!

"Speaker Dennis Hastert" - "The intern? A dress? Speak! Aha, intern kept dresses! Ah, peek at intern's dress. Stain ran...keep the dress. Hesitant? Keep dress -- RNA!"

"Ken Starr, dispense hate!" - Ken trashes a president! Steep in Hades, Ken Starr!!!"

(Constructed of material from David Samson Rudnitsky)

"This is all show business!
We are along for the ride!"
(Golden Globe President Helmut Voss)*

*Harry Shearer offers this as our New National Moto! I second the emotion!



(C) 1999 by Phil Proctor

Published 1/22/99