VOTE THE BASTARDS IN!

It's November, and besides voting and going to see The Antaeus Company's "Patience" which opens this Saturday at [INSIDE] the Ford (323-660-TKTS), and Tulis McCall's one-woman play (which is not about a dysfunctional gay person with cancer who can't make it in Showbiz) at the Ventura Court Theater in Studio City on the 16, 17 and 18th (RSVP 310-41-TULIS); it's also National Smokeout Month. This week is National Fig Week, November third is the birthday of the creator of the first sandwich, John Montague, the ninth is National Split Pea Week, and the 28th is Sinkie Day for the International Association of People who Dine over the Kitchen Sink. And then, there's Thanksgiving... Pass the Indian, please...

"The longest English word that can be typed
with the top keys of a typewriter keyboard is...
typewriter."
(Ignominus)

CALIFORNIA DREAMIN'

Cat writes; "I read your post about Kennedy death predictions as foreshadowed in the Firesign show 'Profiles in BBQ Sauce.' I was living in LA, when RFK was killed there. A couple of days before, I had a dream that he'd be shot to death with a handgun, but that's so common in LA I thought nothing of it."

RETURN TO MONSTER ISLAND

"Greetings large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets so some but of the giant lizard person. Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat. Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.

"Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum." (More real Hong Kong subtitles)

"Microsoft SHOULD include a browser in its operating systems—
how else can you get online to download the bug fixes?"
(Ivan Berger)

A GRATE GIFT IDEA

I found this description on the side of a box at the local drugstore: "From the Makers of the original Sleepy Santa; uses Telco's exclusive snoring and whistling sound. He sleeps snores, and whistles to the tune of 'Jingle Bells.'" (Now, why didn't I read for that?)

Or, you could order a Bulldog Gout Stool from "Art & Artifact" for only $235.

Or, from the latest NARAS Awards Guide, these classy CDs: P.M. Dawn singing "Dearest Christian, I'm So Very Sorry for Bringing You Here. Love, Dad." And His Holiness Pope John "doing The Rosary" (2 for 1). Or Stuttering John's "Everybody's Normal But Me". Or -- The Flaming Lips, "a collection of songs representing an enthusiasm for recording... by amateurs." Disorder, now!

ORDER! ORDER!!

PAPAUL writes that he has a job processing mail orders. "Sometimes, the books ordered tell a whole story in and of themselves." he says. "Here are three that kept us laughing."

First, there was an order for two books: "How To Win Every Argument" and "Conversations with God."

Then, one titled "For My Only True Love" (Note – "Please send three copies.")

And the last, an order for four books: "Getting Along with Mean People", "How Not to Be Mean" and "How to Stay Lovers For Life" (Two copies, please).

"Another oxymoron -- religious tolerance!"
(Jim Reddon, L.A. Times letter)

YOU'RE ON THE AIR!

I heard late night talk show perennial Tom Snyder say to late night vampire slayer, James Woods, right before a commercial break, "Do you know your monkey dipped his balls into my Martini? No, but if you hum a few bars..."

And Kevin McKeown caught "this delicious slip of the tongue from a KFWB anchor who reported on Congressional speculation as to whether the Lewinsky affair constituted 'high creams and misdemeanors.'"

Finally, according to an article forwarded by T. Franklin, Nickelodeon apologized to the Anti-Defamation League for using a Jewish caricature in its "Rugrats" comic strip which also ran during Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. They pointed out that the "Grandpa Boris" character is depicted as hook nosed with heavy-lidded eyes "similar to Nazi-era depictions of Jews." Furthermore, he was reciting "the Mourner's Kaddish, the prayer for the dead."

Herb Scannel, president of Nickelodeon promised not to use the "Grandpa Boris" character again. So. It appears the prayer was for "the death of his character."

Well -- let's just hope that the Pro Nerd Definition League doesn't start complaining about "Howard."

"The greatest lesson in life is to know that
even fools are right sometimes."
(Uncredited)

CHAIN! COME BACK, CHAIN!

This letter has never been around the world, not even once. Nobody has ever sent a copy to anyone else. Bring luck and good fortune to yourself by neither duplicating it nor forwarding it to anyone.

Arthur Samms of Leeds, England received this letter and threw it out without opening the envelope; a week later he won the Irish Sweepstakes for three hundred and thirty thousand pounds. Do not create a chain! Mrs. Wilkes of Sarasota, Florida made a copy for her sister and was struck dead by lightning while gardening. Hassan Azil, a merchant of Basra, Iraq, wanted to make copies but asked for a translation first. Before an interpreter could be found, a cluster bomb exploded nearby, damaging his goats and a Mercedes-Benz 500SLC.

The ancients tell us the secret of happiness is within us. Do not attempt to share that knowledge! Happiness is better experienced than understood. If this letter brings you any joy, keep it to yourself. Happiness can not be shared any more than good health or dental floss.

If you don't send this to anyone, you'll be rewarded in a very short time. The more people to whom you don't send it, the greater your reward. The more people to whom you *do* send it, the greater the potential for unexpected misfortune.

If you copy this letter for a loved one, he or she will abandon you for another. Or many others. Quit while you are ahead and stop reading this now!!!

[Go to next column to continue reading.]

"I've finally learned the meaning of the word 'millenium' and now it's around the corner."
(Michael Eisner)

(Oh, really? Someone please send him a copy of our new CD!)

ANOTHER REASON TO FEAR THE MILLENNIUM, ETC.

Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? On average, people fear spiders more than they do death. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

AND SPEAKING IN TONGUES, ETC.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The giraffe has a black tongue that is 14 inches long and no vocal cords. Butterflies taste with their feet. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. Polar bears are left handed. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for the animal having the most taste buds. (So, that's why they're so tasty!) Starfishes haven't got brains. And neither do Starlets... (Thanks PAUL)

"I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified
by what he had read about the effects of smoking
that he gave up reading."
(Henry G.)

BUT WHAT DO THE PEOPLE SAY?

These are some recent comments of supporters of Mr. Bill from Panama City, Florida, to which I can only add, "Oh, No!"

"I respect the job Clinton has done and so do most of the customers of my tattoo shop... I think at least two hundred Democratic senators will probably support our president... Ninety percent of Bill's problems are half jealousy... It's his business. I just feel sorry for Chelsea and her brother... We owe this president an apology. After all, he didn't start the mess, Ken Barr did... I hope I never hear the name Monica Stevenski again... I'll vote for him again next time."

Clinton "is an enormously gifted and richly qualified leader
for our nation, but someone who is
exasperatingly stupid in his personal life."
(Mike McCurry)

NOT A KAFKA IN A CZARLOAD

Franz Kafka's parents burst into his bedroom one fateful morning to discover that their son had undergone a metamorphosis into a disgusting cockroach.

Immediately his father rushed to his desk, picked up Franz' collection of sea invertebrates and threw them out the window. Utterly dismayed, Mrs. Kafka asked why he did that, to which Mr. Kafka replied,

"With Franz like this, who needs anemones?"

(Shame on Lorenzo Music)

E-TIQUETTE...SOMEONE SAID IT AT LAST

1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true." Just because someone said in the message, four generations back that "we checked it out and it's legit" does not actually make it true.

2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hellbent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see: http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm

3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. if you don't, you can get a copy at: http://bl.net/forwards/cookie.html

4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate co-workers and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb.

5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter?

6. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with virii like http://www.norton.com (And even then, don't forward it. We don't care.).

7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you're probably going to Hell.

8. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the "HTML encoding." Those of us on unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.

9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the >>'s that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times - its probably already been seen.

10. Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either.

11. Chances are if it sounds amazing and too good to be true, and you learned about it in a mass mail via E-MAIL -- it's probably not true.

12. Why send a file AND an email? Am I missing something here? Just email, please.

(13. Don't send this message to me again. I just printed it! PP)

"This will surely be a lesson to me."
(Tennessee criminal on the gallows, c. 1915.)

(11/2/98)