"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads.
One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness,
the other to total extinction.
Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
(Woody Allen)


LET'S EAT!

It's National Popcorn Poppin' Month! On the twelfth, the 42nd annual Tomato War takes place in Fayston, Vermont; the sixteenth is World Food day, Louisiana holds its Yambilee Festival in Opelousas on the eighteenth, and the twenty-fifth provides the Great Pumpkin Weekend in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. Yum.

MY PLATE IS FULL

Last week, I did two episodes of the upcoming "Dilbert" primetime cartoon for Larry Charles as - Catbert. I'm still purring. Also deep in rehearsal for the Antaeus Company's production of Gilbert and Sullivan's "Patience" chosen by the Los Angeles County Arts Commission to open the newly renovated [INSIDE] Ford on November 7. The run will be Thursday through Saturday at 8:00 with Saturday and Sunday Matinees at 2:00, up to Xmas and possibly beyond. (X - The Unknown!) Tickets are $20.00 Group rates for 15 or more range from $16.00 - $18.50. You can order through (323) 660- TKTS. Or call (818) 623-0043 for Group Sales. No excuses for not coming to see me as the Duke and Melinda as Lady Angela will be tolerated! Be there or Be Ware...

Also, I'm directed the very talented Tulis McCall in her startling one-woman multiple-personality show "Truth Be Told - An Evening of Urban Encounters." We guarantee you have never seen anything like it, but "Freak" comes close. The first public performances will be for THREE NIGHTS ONLY Mon. - Wed., November 16, 17, 18 at the Ventura Court Theatre, 12417 Ventura Court. Admission $10.00 A Pittance. Won't begin to pay for all the characters she portrays. Reservations, email: tipsmcc@yahoo.com or call 310-418-8547. I'll be dunning you about this one as well, and my REALLY close friends may even get a mailing! Please come.


"What has posterity ever done for me?"
(Groucho Marx)



HAIL FBI-DONIA!

As several Planet regulars have written, Groucho "Julius" Marx's FBI files came to light recently thanks to Prof. Jon Wiener at U of C Irvine who helped to make the FBI files on John Lennon public. "After Lennon," he says, "why not Marx?"

So, "They concluded from their study he was not a member of the Communist Party. [It] was a very rigid organization; it's hard to imagine a wisecracking spirit like Groucho's in it." Besides, as Groucho said, "I'd never join a club that would have me as a member."

 

YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?

Big flap over that 32-year-old actress/writer who passed herself off as a 19-year-old so she could get work! Riley Weston, who was chosen as one of the 100 most creative people by Entertainment Weekly, says she doesn't look old enough to play her own age. "I've been in a kind of Catch-22."

Or Catch-32? Or Catch-18?

Her ex-producers at WB Network's coming-of-age "Felicity" show say they hired her because of "the unique perspective we felt her age and life experience would bring." Well, yeah. Like -- been there, done that?


"I can't give you brains,
but I can give you a diploma.
"
(The Wizard of Oz)



SUSHI WITH A GRAIN OF SALT?

A German restaurant has been attacked as "tasteless" by a woman's group for serving "Sushi a la Jungfrau" (Raw Fish Virgin Style) on supine nude models. Customers have been "eating it up" and at $250 per client, das restaurant is sold out for weeks in advance. The tasty chicks, mostly starving students in their 20s, wear only a thin veil over their heads and a floral decoration on their naughty bits. "Caviar is stuffed into their belly buttons, swordfish near their armpits and between their legs -- raw tuna sushi." Samurai warrior bodyguards make sure nothing else is eaten.

"It's a great way to earn some pocket money," said a nude model named Kim who had neither of either, claiming she could earn up to 800 marks per night (US $494.13). But we must ask, who's the real mark here? We the p-e-ple? (Averyimp)


"Wine is all about time. The time it takes to
make it and the time it takes to drink it..."
(Alchoholus Anoymous)



IT'S IN YOUR DREAMS...

Dr. Scialli sent me the following psychic message: "I've been proofing Paul Remington's Firesign interview for Cosmick Debris and came across talk of the skit which predicted Bobby Kennedy's death." (and was performed at the Ashgrove, the night he was assassinated).

"What's weird/wired is that I had the same thought just hours apart that night. I was 15, getting ready for bed in NJ (so, still evening in LA). Right after I dropped my clothes down the laundry chute, I felt dizzy and the thought entered my head: "Bobby Kennedy will not be able to continue the campaign after tonight." My second thought was not that accurate: that something (death) would happen to Teddy, that night. When the clock radio went off in the AM and there was a news voice instead of music, I immediately knew what had happened..." (Was that voice Art Bell's?)


"Duct tape is like the Force.
It has a light side, and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together."
(Ivan Berger)



WISE GUY, HUH?

Two friends, Harvey Zittman and Tse Liu were discussing their cultural heritage and Harvey observed how wise the Chinese were. "Yes," replied the Tse, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But you Jews are a very wise people, too." Harvey replied, "That's true. We just celebrated the New Year 5759!"

"Really?" relied Liu. "Where did your people eat for almost two thousand years?" (Margolis)

 

JOE, WE HARDLY KNEW YE...

NEW YORK (AP) A judge threw out a $3 million lawsuit against the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co. after ruling a couple's landmark Greenwich Village building couldn't be kept out of a "Joe Camel" advertisement superimposed onto a photograph of their building. The edifice is an historic landmark, and the owners have tried to protect its image by refusing to sell tobacco in the store they operate beneath their residence. They were outraged to find "the single most hateful image in all of corporate America" in the doctored photo.


[Go to next column to continue reading.]

Dear Mr. Starr,

The tests on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.



TEACH THE CHILDREN

If actions speak louder than words, here is what our children can learn from our President: "It's better to receive than give. Honesty is not the best policy. Rules are for losers. Certain kinds of lies are necessary and wise. Never accept responsibility for your wrongdoing. Character doesn't matter. Anything goes if your not caught. A clever lie is admirable. Corruption is a relative concept. Sex has nothing to do with love. Cheaters usually prosper. Being popular is the single most important thing in life. Delayed gratification is stupid. Apologies serve as punishment."

(Kansan Rich Davis in The Washington Post Letters to the Editor, Sept 5.)


Now I ask you, can Clinton be impeached for "(B)low Crimes and Misbehaviors?"



HE SAYS, HE SAYS

Here's a few excerpts from Scott Adams, creator of the "Dilbert" comic strip, on the Clinton thing: "Lately I have been subjected to many Induhvidual opinions about Zippergate. Rather than respond to them as they happen, which would require me to yell at my television set, thereby scaring all of my other appliances, I will address these curious viewpoints here. Note: I have no strong opinion of what should happen to the President. I'm just amused by it all.

"Some Induhviduals say it's not the sex, it's the lying that's the real problem. But it's not a general kind of lying that's the problem, it's specifically the President's unwillingness to share details of his sex life with every human being in the world. By that standard, only Geraldo Rivera and Dennis Rodman could qualify to be President.

"I have this image in my head of Yasser Arafat visiting the White House. Clinton offers him a Presidential cigar and Arafat says, 'If you don't mind, could I have one that is still in the original wrapper?' This ugly incident turns into a towel fight and triggers World War Three. That's the best scenario I could come up with in which the President's ability to govern is affected by Zippergate."


Q. Was Jennifer Flowers as good as Monica Lewinski?
A. Close, but no cigar.



TAKE A HEADER

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge. Air Head Fired. Steals Clock, Faces Time. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead. Deer Kill 17,000. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees. High School Dropouts Cut in Half. Local New Vaccine May Contain Rabies. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge... (Senor Lennie "Chili" Weinrib and the Ribettes)


"Honk if you love peace and quiet."



ANYTHYNGE YE WANTE TO

In a recent article in the Sunday Times of London, Science Correspondent Steve Farrar writes that a textual computer analysis seeking subconsciously reoccurring patterns of language in Shakespeare's works by American academician Don Foster and Leeds University literature professor emeritus Park Honan, suggests that the Bard was "a ham actor who took to the stage only in cameo roles that would not challenge his limited abilities." (And I'll bet he lied about his age, too.)

Among the 25 roles they claim Shakespeare played are King Henry IV and Duncan (in The Scottish Play). He may also have been the first to deliver the now familiar phrase, "murder most foul" as the Ghost in Hamlet.

He usually delivered opening lines according to Honan -- who's biography, "Shakespeare: A Life," is soon to be published by Oxford University Press -- "designed to ensure the playwright would be applauded for... little more than a cameo role," and leaving the meatier roles to the stars "who would be more likely to bring in the crowds."

However, acclaimed Brit director Sir Peter Hall, is still skeptical. "I should think it's more likely the parts he played were the ones that nobody else would play, rather than ones he wrote for himself." (Or maybe 32-year-old Riley Weston penned them in a previous existence as the Earl of Something-or-Other.)

 

TO BE, ACCORDING TO SEUSS - OR NOT

I ask to be, or not to be;
That is the question I ask of me.
This sullied life, it makes me shudder;
My uncle's boffing dear, sweet mother.

Would I, could I take my life?
Could I, should I, end this strife?
Should I jump out of a plane?
Or throw myself before a train?
Should I from a cliff just leap?
Could I put myself to sleep?
Shoot myself, or take some poison?
Maybe try self immolation?

To shudder off this mortal coil,
I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
Slash my wrists while in the bath!
Would it end my angst and wrath?
To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub;
I could drop a toaster in my tub.
Would all be glad, if I were dead?
Could I perhaps kill them instead?

This line of thought takes consideration
for I'm the king of procrastination.

-- Author Unknown (Art Bell? Riley Westyon? Me?)


"Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before"



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(And they said CDs couldn't get stuck...)

(10/16/98)

   

 

Published 10/16/98

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor