"The 90s are just the 60s turned upside down and backwards..."
(PP)


IN CASE YOU MISSED IT...

Steve Cox has sent me "EVERYTHING you need to know about the Starr Report!" He simply counted how many times certain words and phrases came up like: Anus - 7; Breasts - 51; Cigar - 25; Clinton - 483; Commit - 21; Dress - 27; Extramarital - 2; Foster - 1; Hillary - 4; Genital - 64; Groin - 5; Guilty - 1; Impeach - 16; Improper - 27; Intern - 50; Lewinsky - 3151 (!); Lie - 143; McDougal - 1; Obstruction - 12; Oral - 98; Orgasm - 7; Phone Sex - 26; Perjury - 34; President - 2373; Semen - 22; Sex - 606; Stain - 11; Starr - 9; Tripp - 153; Whitewater - 4.

Thanks, Steve, that about says it all - 453. But Tiny Dr. Tim adds that "Clinton will always be known as the President that was after bush. . ."

"I think it's a bunch of hooey. I can't believe they're messing up
good, quality soap opera time to put this on."
(Mike Howard, Kentucky snack bar manager)

IT'S ABOUT TIME!

Firesign got a great plug on the "Short Takes" page of the September 28th "stinking mess" garbage issue of Time Magazine after being blown off the week before by Ms Lewinsky, the cheeky slut. Reviewer Richard Ziooglin calls it "a dense, doomy, free-association riff... Listen three times for best results, and look out for the guys in the eyeball hats." We're also number 8 of the best-selling new releases at online retailer "CD NOW"! Bigger than Depeche Mode! Selling more than The Beatles' Abbey Road and Sgt. Peppers COMBINED! And following closely on the heels of Hootie and the Blowfish, Bette Midler, Barenaked Ladies and Marilyn Manson.

Our publicist, Jeff Abraham at JONAS also set up a bunch of live 4-man interviews at Rhino last week with Dr. Demento, Dennis Michael of CNN Show Biz Today, Jeff Becker at E!, and Scott Simon of NPR Weekend Edition. While we were together, we started to dsign the '99 tour, and the next CD, "You Just Don't Get It, Do You" -- of which more later...

Rdubin reveals that when "more than 500 women were asked if they would make love to the president, 83 percent responded 'Never again' and the other 17 percent took the Fifth."

SHE'S DIGITALLY WINKING AT ME...

Richard Arnold found this item from Roy Rivenberg's wacky "Off Kilter," column to have a "strange syncronicity" with the Princess Goddess character in the new CD. It's weirdly cool...

"She's Baaaaaack: A Canadian film company has announced plans to create a 'digital Princess Diana' who will star in a new movie in which she survives her fatal car crash and saves the world. According to the Sunday Times of London, Diana will be brought to cinematic life using the same technology that allowed 'Forrest Gump' and Woody Allen's 'Zelig' to insert fictional characters into documentary footage.

"A spokesman for the Diana memorial fund, which has previously licensed such products as Princess Diana butter in a tub, called the project 'too bizarre [for] a rational response.'"

Or as we say: "She had to die to star in the story of her life..."

FLASH!

And in the N.Y. Times, Dave Ossman found the following in a review of "The Roseanne Show": "Her entrance on the first show... led to the worst expectations as she played the cackling diva. She appeared from above riding in a cherry picker, wearing a boa, strewing rose petals over the audience and snapping her own photograph with a Polaroid..."

"And, and here comes the celeberatzis, taking pictures of themselves..." Don't say we say so...

In the future "Machines [will] become be more
delicate and human beings, coarser."
(Jeanette Winterston in her book, "Art Objects.")

(PS. The future is now...)

MY GOD...

I read for the "voice of God" in a restaurant commercial the other day. Clever copy with lines like, "after a tough day of flooding the earth, an Absolute Being wants something fresh and natural to eat." But the ad agency's instructions for the character included the following: "fun, but not goofy." I'll never get that job. My God is a goofy god, what can I tell ya?

News Flash from The Center For Disease Control in Atlanta:
"The President has proven that you CAN get sex from aides."

EATING CROW

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey (abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv.") until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."

"A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together, the chicken is smoking a cigarette. The egg looks pissed. The chicken says, 'I guess that answers that question... '" Tim

MADE IN JAPAN?

"Greeting -- ENJOY CREATION For the dream of human beings to come true? the improvement of creative power is essential technicians? Creative power and techniques alone is not enough for MEDIC inc? because reliable techniques is based on keeping promises? So MEDIC continues to develop individual products under the slogan of "CREATION AND CONFIDENCE"

Our job is to provide the ideas and products you need? Meeting your expectations is our pleasure? Let's enjoy our creations together and guide our bright futures?

Thank You?

President Kyoin Takafuji

(copied by garrym from http://www.medic.co.jp/info/infoe.htm)

[Go to next column to continue reading.]

HOW FORWARD CAN YOU BE?

Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by secondhand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to - $1000? How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bullshit.

So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower; and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. (P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!)

"If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?"
(Anonymous)

ELECT HIM!!!

From Jack Slater, another Quayle Tale... Vice President Quayle and his wife were in Argentina to attend the swearing in of Argentina's new president. The chief of protocol had conferred with the Quayles and asked them what activities the Vice President and his wife would like to do during their stay in Buenos Aires. The Quayles answered that they 'd love to lay a wreath at the tomb of Evita.

Well, Evita was certainly no friend of Democracy or human rights, but being a good Chief of Protocol, he asked why they would want to do such a thing. The Quayles responded they had seen "the show" in New York and just really loved it.

"Did you hear that Clinton gave up the saxophone?
That's cause now he plays the ho-Monica."
(Bella)

DOGS FLEW SPACESHIPS, II

Your dog or cat could well be an alien from outer space, says Brad Steiger, noted UFO researcher and co-author of the blockbuster book "The Star People." In 20 years of research, he developed a "pattern profile" based on thousands of interviews with pet owners.

"One out of five dogs and cats are space pets - descendants of original alien creatures that were 'seeded' on Earth 50,000 years ago," says Steiger. "As a rule, space pets have very charismatic personalities, extremely protective natures, very compelling eyes and healing powers. And because they also have psychic powers, they get along better with humans and can interfere with their masters' dreams." Woof! Meow! Ghwxzp! (From Luandir)

"The Republicans are jealous of the sexual activities
of the Democrats. After all, who ever heard of
a GOOD PIECE OF ELEPHANT!"
(Dr. John)

SIGN OFF

Irene S. Sloan sent a bunch of signs like this:

On a ski lift in Taos, NM:

"No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted."

An official sign on a door -- and a handmade sign nearby:

"Door Alarmed -- Window frightened."

A restaurant in England:

"Guys - No shirt, No service. Girls - No shirt, No charge."

A translated road sign on the island of Cyprus:

"Caution: Road Slippery from Grape Juice."

On top of one another in a country kitchen:

"Restrooms --->
Please wait for hostess to seat you."

A church in Montpelier, VT:

"Bingo Friday night at 8:00 p.m. Quickies Thursday at 7:30 p.m."

In a healthfood store:

Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot.

And from a little hole in the wall restaurant:

"Women are not served here... You have to bring your own."

 

"If a mime falls in the forest, does he make a sound?"
(Shearman)

SHADDUPA YOU MOUTH!

There is an unspeakable dubbers strike in Italy. In an article in the L.A. Times, Richard Boudreaux explained that it was fascist dictator Benito Mussolini who introduced dubbing to eradicate the enemies language and still entertain the masses; and by the way, the trains didn't run on time.

And after the War, when Italy's low-literacy audiences had trouble reading subtitles, Hollywood recruited southern Italian immigrants -- but their dialects proved equally unintelligible.

Director Franco Zeffirelli is backing the work stoppage, "It's a devilish operation -- a monstrosity -- to put the voice of someone into somebody else's mouth, but that's a purist's view. It's a lost battle... Italians want to relax and hear all those terrible lines."

"I think people are just fed up with the Lewinsky scandal.
In Italy they elected a porno star to Parliment."
(Enrica Galbiati, Boston waitress)

Ciao!!!

(9/27/98)

   

 

Published 9/27/98

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor