"It ain't over til the fat lady comes..."
(pproctor)

 

DOGS FLEW SPACESHIPS!

A recent book develops the Sasquatch sightings into proof that a race of superior beings from Planet X came to Earth 400,000 years ago to rule our ancestors and on the book's website (www.lloydpye.com) the author declares "it will be one of the, if not the, most opinion-altering, paradigm-shattering, downright mind-blowing experiences of your life."

The book's title: "Everything You Know Is Wrong."

It is not to be confused by the 1995 book of the same name (from Rhino) by Paul Kirchner, author of "The Big Book of Losers: Pathetic But True Tales of the World's Most Titanic Failures" (1997) and "Forgotten Fads and Fabulous Flops: An Amazing Collection of Goofy Stuff That Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time" (1995). - Mark Aickelin

 

"This may sound pedestrian, but I want to bring back safe crosswalks."
(Kevin McKeown, running for the Santa Monica City Council)

 

QUAYLE FOR RESIDENT

These are my fellow Hoosier's actual words, as presented in a speech by yours truly at an "Off The Wall" Aids Benefit last year in Hollywood: "Welcome President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.

"For NASA, space is still a high priority. Mars is essentially in the same orbit; Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. It's time for the human race to enter the solar system.

"I am not part of the problem; I am a Republican.

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful; how true that is. I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.' People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy, but that could change. The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history -- I mean in this century's history; but we all lived in this century. -- I didn't live in this century.

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix. When I have been asked...who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward. The future will be better tomorrow.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls! Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children; we're going to have the best-educated American people in the world!

"I have made good judgments in the past; I have made good judgments in the future. I stand by all the misstatements that I've made; verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

"As my wife, Marilyn and I say on our Christmas card, 'May our nation continue to be the beaker of hope to the world.' Thanks, and I'll see you in the year 2000!" (Victory sign)

 

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
(Soon-to-be-Former Mayor-for-Life Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.)

 

YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE

Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? - "Yes." And did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? - "Yes, sir." What did she say? - "What disco am I at?"

 

 

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________

Agent: ______________

Attorney: __________________

Sex: ___ male ____ female _____ formerly male _______

formerly female __________ both ___________

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Occupation:

[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Film-maker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Pan-handler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain:______________

Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in a car:_____

Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex._________

Please list:

Brand of cell phone:__________. (If you don't own one, please explain.)

Please check haircolor:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Men: Please list shade of hairplugs:_________

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)

[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:

a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving.

If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:

a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central resident).

Please indicate if you drive:

a) a Beemer,
b) a Lexus,
c) a Mercedes, or
d) Cabriolet.

If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to normal delivery time for your driver's license.

In the event of an earthquake, should you:

a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?

In the instance of rain, you should

a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you're not sure what "rain" is. (PP Note: obviously written pre-el nino)

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?

a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zanax.

If none, please explain: __________________.

When stopped by police, should you

a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?

 

TESTING...

More REAL answers on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school:

Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? - "What for? He can't see my license plate."

Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? - "The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, 'Guns don't kill people. I do.'"

When driving through fog, what should you use? - "Your car."

What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? - "I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster."

How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? - "Be too shit-faced to find your keys."

What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? - "The color."

What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? - "Make eye contact and wave 'hello' if she's cute."

(Thanks to MMIKE)

 

Mellita, domi adsum.
("Honey, I'm home.")

 

QUE?

A young couple, Wilbur and Kay, were exploring the exhibits at the Musee d'Orsay one Sunday afternoon when they came upon the museum's famous collection of Nineteenth-Century French Impressionists. When Wilbur, unfamiliar with the fine points of the period, came across a well-known painting which he mistakenly thought was an example of pointillism, he called his wife over and exclaimed, "Kay -- Seurat! Seurat!"

 

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,
but a snail by any other name would cost three times as much..."
(Dr. David Voitovich)

 

BUY NOW! PLAY LATER!

Our Rhino CD, "Give Me Immortality or Give Me Death" is "on the street" and according to funny fifth columnist Bruce Feirstein, writing in the New York Observer: "Even without inhaling, it's a hoot!"

Next week, the four or five crazy guys are assembling here for talking and taping, including a feature on CNN Entertainment News and a session with Dr. Demento. We're also getting good airplay -- from WNEW in NY, to KPOI in Honolulu. Let me know if you hear or read anything in YOUR AREA.

 

RING-A-DING

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

 

Sane ego te vocavi. Forsitan capedictum tuum desit.
("I did call. Maybe your answering machine is broken.")

(9/10/98)

   

 

Published 9/10/98

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor