Planet Proctor '98, Volume 23

"If you can't help worrying, remember, worrying can't help you either."
(Dr. David Walker, Church of Religious Science)

AND SPEAKING OF QUOTES FROM OTHERS BY OTHERS

Writer and "Pun-pal' Gary Belkin writes: "Should you be kind enough to de-attribute my connection with the line about 3 out of 4 people making up 75% of the population -- you might add that I requested de-attribution not only because I didn't write it -- but also because it isn't true."

SO, WHAT IS REALITY?

Well, here's some more statistics from Associated Press that are "true." According to a recent phone survey of 600 American teenagers: 41% can name the three branches of the government, while 59% can name the Three Stooges. 74% know that Bart Simpson lives in Springfield, but only 12% know that Lincoln slept there -- in Springfield, Illinois, that is.

90% can name Tim Allen as star of "Home Improvement," but less than 33% know that Newt Gingrich is "Speaker of the House." 81% can affirm that the group "Hanson" is made up of 3 brothers, but only 21% know there's 100 member in the Senate; and less than 2% recall that James Madison is the father of the Constitution, while the father of Microsoft, Bill Gates, is recognized by 58%.

And last and maybe most, Gore Vidal announced in a recent rant in the L.A. Times that "Two-thirds of all the world's lawyers are American..." while on "Nightline" on KABC, I heard Ted Cop-out say, "The polls are hardly dis-positive..."

But maybe they're all wrong, because according to a Yale study, "We think better in the winter than in the summer."

LORD HELP ME...

...to relax about insignificant details (beginning September 8 at 7:41:23 AM DST); to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive; to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

Help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me! Help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right. Help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing. Give me patience, and I mean right NOW! Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?); and help me to finish everything I sta --

Help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. (And would you mind putting that in writing?) Keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be; and help me be less independent, but let me do it my way. Lord, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time. Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

AIN'T THAT A SCREAM?

Experts say that "whale songs rhyme", and if that ain't enough, Arizona State researcher Ralph A. Bakhaus has reported that plants respond to insect attacks and man-made injuries by releasing vapors, which in turn alarm neighboring plants with the equivalent of a "silent scream." (Vegheads take note.)

And the plants revenge? Well, other smarty pants at the University of Chicago have been developing "smarty plants" genetically engineered to resist herbicides -- which then pass that characteristic on to nearby weeds; and these "superweeds" are "able to fertilize other weeds at a rate 20 times greater than that of the mutants." Meet ya at the Hot House, baby...

YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT

I had a chat with the wonderful actor Elliot Gould the other day, who was a child actor, like me, live 50s show, "Uncle Danny Reads the Funnies" on New York's WPIX-TV; and he surprised me by acknowledging that he just used a line of mine -- also printed as the "Quote of the Day" in one of Roy Rivenburg's witty "Off-Kilter" columns in the L.A. Times.

When I was MC at a Lifetime Achievement presentation for Robert Altman several years ago, Elliot was accepting for the busy filmmaker; and I observed that in all fairness, he should receive the award "for surviving a marriage with Barbara Streisand."

Well, though I was never invited back to that particular organization, Elliot remembered the line and when asked recently at a promotional press conference to name his worst professional experience, he said, "Well, as you know, I was married to Barbara Streisand."

(Mr. G confided that he used that joke instead of truly acknowledging any bad professional experiences because he didn't want to alienate any future employers. Besides, Barbara remarried...)

FIREDREAM

A dream from free-lance writer Paul Remington of "Cosmik Debris," forwarded by Dr. John Scialli, who adds, "In my perfessional opinion it just meant that he ate too many potato ships in bed that night, but you decide."

"I dreamed I met with the guys of Firesign. I met them on a dock, and we all piled in this boat. We gathered in the cabin below, which was a huge room with a very tall ceiling. They were all drinking quite heavily, and perhaps partaking in hallucinogenic substances. There was this tropical food they were eating. It looked like a baked potato, yet when broken, its innards were white and fluffy, and it tasted exquisitely sweet... It was wonderful!

"They began conversing in a surrealistic conversation that was quite intriguing, yet difficult to follow. This went on for some time. It was almost like the fast paced banter found on RadioNow (or most of their LPs); quickly flowing from one topic to the next, content richly layered, with relevance tethered by thought and reason.

"After a while I went on deck. It was almost morning, with the crack of dawn evident. The sun's rays were just beginning to cut through the distant clouds in an array of color that was reflected by the water in a wonderful glow. In the distance I saw a huge boat barreling towards the coastline, bobbing up and down and up and down, slamming its front-end into the water with each bob in an unusual manner. The ocean was perfectly calm, and didn't appear to be the cause of such radical bobbing.

Hearing the noise, Proctor came on deck yelling to the others, "Look... look... (forgot what he said) is coming... get in the cabin!" The boat came to shore violently, barely missing our boat, yet its force toppled FT's boat, sending me flying into the water and virtually disintegrating the boat. I swam to rescue the guys, but was unable to find any of them.

"The next thing I know I'm in some room, and Proctor and the rest of the guys are smiling. One of them says to me, 'I bet you never experienced a FT act like that live, have ya'?' I agreed, in utter amazement; then I woke up." (Well, dear friends, a tour is in the future...)

IT ALL COMES TRUE ON SEPTEMBER 8TH

Our upcoming Rhino CD, "Give Me Immortality or Give Me Death," is getting great advance airplay from New York to Honolulu and good print exposure thanks to Jeff Abraham at JONAS, including a great feature by Michael Goldman (with pictures of men in eyeball hats) on the cover of this week's Times Saturday Calendar section. (Thanks, friends, for your calls!)

And topics we touch upon during RadioNow's last eight hours are coming true with apocalyptic alacrity. To wit: KABC recently pulled the plug on Ronn Owens' talk show because the station manager "wants the station to be more in-your-face [and] confrontational."

Then, the "suspected" U.S. Capitol gunman's red pickup truck yielded notes in which he referred to himself as "the General;" and at August's "Preparedness Expo" in Puyallup, Washington, a zealot selling "air-tight canisters that will preserve food even in the event of the end of the world" declared, "I believe that we are coming into a time of worldwide martyrism" ("They're the worst drivers in the county") to which Militia of Montana leader John Trochmann adds: "There will be a uniting of the police forces and the Army and they will bring in foreign equipment and computer chips that we can't dip into." (Or does he mean "dip with"?)

"And when the computers go dark, what else is the best time for an invasion? All of the U.S. military bases will be turned into prisoner-of-war camps. Welcome to the new world order."

Also, NY police have uncovered a branch of the Mafia passing themselves off as Y2K computer consultants who rewrite clients' software -- funneling funds into overseas accounts!

And as for the Princess Goddess - the CD was originally scheduled to be released on September 1st, the anniversary of the Princess's death, when many were urged to wear "a pink ribbon" in her memory ("Aw, come on, people, you gotta wear your Princess plague ribbons."); and producers are soon to open an off-Broadway musical called "The Queen of Hearts." ("She had to die to star in the [musical] of her life." )

By the way, the delay in the "street date" was due to 'echnical 'ifficulties with the time code. ("These machines don't care.")

APOCALYPSE, WHAT?

And by the way, the word "Apocalypse" when first uttered in ancient Greece, actually meant "a revelation or unveiling; an uncovering or disclosure." It was Albrect Duerer's woodcut of the" Four Horsemen" printed in Nuremberg, Germany in AD 1498 that gave the word it's present negative weight. The invention of printing, the dissemination of calendars and advances in clock-making also helped to scare people back in 1499, not to mention Martin Luther's assault against the Catholic church. (I told you not to mention that!)

THE GONG SHOW

The British Sunday Express gives "Gongs" (medals) for dubious distinctions such as: The Tortoise Trophy - to British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule.

The Rubber Cushion - to John Bloor who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.

The Crimewatch Cup Gold Star - to Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters: "Henry Smith".

Silver Star - to Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb hoax, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call me back" and left his phone number.

Bronze Star: Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

The British Cup - to passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria who averted their eyes while a goy and gal engaged in oral sex and intercourse, but complained when they lit up post-coitus cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.

The Flying Cross - to Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race and was immediately eaten by a cat. The 90 minute delay in finding his remains and handing his identification tag to the judges, relegated Percy from first to third place.

(Goons as well to Stef Donev and Marv Wolfman for this submission.)

"Is there anyone out there?"
(Grovers Corner)

THE LATEST BYE-OS

A bye line to Everett G. Marshall, who played among other parts, "Dr. David Craig" on "The New Doctors." And to David Craig, who taught singing to so many actors; and to singer "Chico" Ryan of Sha-Na-Na; and to "Once Upon A Mattress" lyricist, "the irrepressible, wafer-thin, rapier-keen, Anglo-sexual, psycho-Semitic, almost unbearably gifted" Marshall Barer, who penned over 4,000 songs and threw great parties; to actor Joseph Maher, who received more Tony nominations than any actor in history, and whose face you'd know if you sat next to it at auditions, like I did; to Larry "Zachariah" Kubick's vaudevillian dad, Buddy Raye, who started his career in the chorus line of the Folies Bergere; and to our dear Richard Beebe, a KRLA newsman who became a lynchpin of The Credibility Gap while Radio Free Oz was there.

And thank you, Harry Shearer, for your wonderful memorial today. (Listen to it "anytime" at harryshearer.com.)

"Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus"
("Remove foil before microwaving.")

Published 9/6/98