"In the film Starship Troopers, did you know that Planet P is
where the brain bug lives? Coincidence? You decide!"
(Kevin Kutchaver, Flat Earth Productions)

 

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

 

After attending a screening of the controversial HBO movie, "The Rat Pack" last Thursday at the Beverly Hills Museum of TV&R, Melinda and I decided to celebrate her 39th birthday with a late super at the new Spago. We had no reservations, and at 10 PM the place was packed; but they treated us politely; and after a drink at the bar, we sat down to a spectacular dinner.

Well, I love to peruse the wine lists in trendy spots, and here's what I got from Wolfie's:

There is a category of "Interesting American White Wines", the French reds are divided into "Left and Right Bank" and the priciest champagne is a Dom Perignon ROSE!! -- at $350 a pop.

Next year, after my residuals come in, we'll probably order the top'o'the line Chateau Mouton Rothschild '61, for $1,695. and wash down our desserts with Hennesy Richard's Very Very Very Very Special (it better be) cognac, at $150 per snifter... Skoal!

 

BULLISH...

Helium was up, feathers were down. Weights were up in heavy trading. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Light switches were off. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Cows steered into a bull market. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Mining equipment hit rock bottom but shipping lines stayed at an even keel. And though Caterpillar stock inched up a bit, the market for raisins dried up.

Sun peaked at midday. Balloons were inflated, batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market, and Coca Cola fizzled. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. Diapers remain unchanged...

(From Milkum Bosky's monthly newsletter, "Shortcuts to Big Bucks")

 

"If President Nixon lied to the American People, he should resign."
(Clinton,'74)

 

ZIPPERGATE

Hank Rosenfeld writes: "Hey, let's just try and keep in mind that we knew we were in trouble a few years ago when Clinton saw that picture of the 500-year-old frozen Peruvian woman that archeologists dug up, remember? And he said, "She looks pretty good." True story. I read it in the paper."

Well, some people are saying that President Clinton is dead politically, but I say he's spinning in his grave...

Finally, Harvey Rubens reveals that "Kenneth Starr's investigation of the DNA on Monica Lewinsky's dress has been thwarted by the revelation today that everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA."

 

AND NOW A QUIZ...

 

1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?
2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?
3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?
4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister?
5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?
6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign?
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else?
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary?
9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?
10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the *other* president who made love in a closet?
11. Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's?
12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")?

The answers are at the end -- of Western Civilisation.

 

SEEING SPOTS

From actor and dear friend, Richard Paul: A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

And also from Richard: In a recent television show in the UK, actor/comedian John Cleese explained three reasons why the British are superior to Americans:

1. They speak English.

2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries.

3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.

 

DOCTOR PROCTOR

Hollywood Horror Story, Number Googolplex:

I was asked to read for part of a pastor on "That Seventies Show" this week, and after reading the page (sic) as faxed to me, thought it was funny enough for Fox. Besides, I play ministers all the time; you may recall my brilliant bit reading the last rites for "Men Behaving Badly." Anyway, I memorized the little speech and even punched it up a bit. It read like this:

"And the Lord warned Lot and his family not to look back, but his wife did, and she was turned into a pillar of salt. But Lot obeyed the Lord and did not. So, let's hope there's a little bit of Lot in all of us. No, a lotta Lot in all of us. Amen. Now, please stand for a moment of silent meditation."

A few hours before I was to leave for the reading, my agent called.

"Phil," she says," The producers are going to fax you a few little changes in the lines." Ok, fine. Here is what I received:

"In the name of the father, the son and the Holy Ghost. Amen. Please stand for a moment of silent meditation."

Oh, well. You can still hear me giving the last rites in Private Ryan.

 

"You sadistic bastard, you crushed my skull!"
(The Caped Madman, "J-Men Forever")

 

ZEN WHAT?

Pastor Crosstalk says that a Buddhist monk strode into a Zen Pizza Parlor and said, "Make me one with everything." When he got his order, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill which the guy pocketed.

"Hey," said the monk, "where's the change?"

"Change," replied the owner inscrutably, "must come from within."

 

YOU'LL GET THIS IN SEPTEMBER...

"Youse guise are not so far off saying The Great Satan put electricity in my toothpaste." My Siberian friend Vladimir Sovetov (a Zappa expert and author [in Russian]) said that the most memorable Soviet anti-US propaganda commercial was one of an inner city family which was so poor everyone had to share the same toothbrush. Such was the uneven distribution of goods in capitalism." (Doctor John Scialli)

 

AND ALUMINUM RADIO HATS?

From www.washingtonpost.com (7/30): "The president has agreed to give videotaped testimony on Aug. 17, and sources said Monica Lewinsky will give Ken Starr a dress to be tested for DNA material and phone messages."

 

-- THIS 'ICRO-HONE -ORKING?

"On May 19, the Navy announced it would no longer teach celestial navigation to young officers, since satellite navigation had become so reliable. That same day, the Galaxy IV satellite failed, throwing much of the country's communications into chaos." - George Amer

"Incidentally, Grampa Al Lewis is running for Governor of New York on the Green Party Ticket." - Gary Goodrow

 

I'M SORRY, BUT THIS IS JUST FUNNY

Hugh (Rick) Heinsohn claims that this is a TRUE story about the passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob." When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston." Then after a short pause and several clicks...

"Geez, whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job right about now."

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the captain's cabin to shut off the intercom, one of the passengers called out, "Don't forget the coffee!"

 

"Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it."

 

IT'S THE LAW!

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

"The latest US Govt. survey just released shows that three out of four people
now make up 75% of the US population!"
(Gary Belkin)

 

CLOSE YOUR EYES AND I'LL TELL YOU A STORY

Otto Wichterle, the inventor of the soft contact lens, shuttered his baby blues August 18 at the ripe-old of 84. He had survived imprisonment by the Nazis and invasion by the Soviets; and after retirement, was named president of the Czechoslovak Academy of Sciences and then chairman of the Academy of Sciences of the Czech Republic. He invented the lens in 1956 or 1961 -- it's not clear...

 

"Domino vobiscum."
(The pizza guy's here.)

 

(8/25/98)

 

ANSWERS:

1. JFK 2. Bill Clinton
3. LBJ 4. Thomas Jefferson
5. Bill Clinton 6. Andrew Jackson
7. George Washington 8. FDR
9. Warren G. Harding 10. JFK
11. LBJ 12. LBJ

 

Published 8/25/98

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor