Lhfable says, "I believe the decade commencing in the year 2000 will be called the pre-teens." To which Dan Quayle adds, "The Republican Party's going to have to come up with someone to run against Bill Clinton in the year 2000." (Oh, Hell, let's elect him!!!)

 

LET'S EAT

Although we missed the Watermelon Thump in Luling, Texas in June, it's not too late to enjoy the International Cherry Pit Spitting Contest in Eau Claire, Wisconsin; the Celebration of the Largest Cherry Pie at 37,740 lb. in Oliver, British Columbia; or the World's Largest Ice Cream Sundae in Edmonton, Alberta (54, 914 lb. with 4,041,670 grams of fat). Or spoon garlic ice cream at California's Gilroy Garlic Festival, or at Proctor's birthday party on the 28th. I'll on Oregon's Mount Hood (or flying back from it) with my honey after playing Brother Shecky in Steve Sandoz's short film "God's Own Clowns" with the Firey Foursome. (Don't blow those candles out, please...) Happy birthday, also to July 23rd's Edie McClurg!!! And lest we forget as Rdubin reminds us, on July 15, 1205, "Pope Innocent III set the church doctrine dooming all Jews to perpetual servitude and subjugation due to the crucifixion of Jesus." What a guy!

 

"Do television evangelists do more than lay people?"
(Paul Moor)

 

TIT'S NO CRIME

TAMPA, Fla. (Reuters) - A topless dancer clubbed a nightclubber with her boobs, but did not injure him, former New York City Mayor Ed Koch ruled in a "People's Court" trial of the guy's personal injury lawsuit. Koch instructed court officer Josephine Longobardi to take Tawney Peaks into his chambers and examine her breasts to see if they were "like two cement blocks." as plaintiff Paul Shimkonis testified. Longobardi told the judge she estimated they weighed about 2 pounds each and were 20 percent silicone and the rest natural. "They were not as dense as the plaintiff described. They were soft," said co-executive producer and show host, Harvey Levin. How did he know?

 

"If Barbie were a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions."

(B. Lloyd)

 

DA DA DA DAAAA!!!

The Detroit Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth and there's a 20-minute passage during which the bass violinists have nothing to do, so rather than sit around looking stupid, they decided to sneak offstage and go to next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers (as bass violinists are want to do), one of them checked his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"Don't worry," said a fellow bass, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."

 

WHAT A RUSH

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble space telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.... (Thanks to someone.)

 

SPEAKING OF LAWYERS

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him. The guy was all over the road. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. He hit me and went under my car.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. I collided with a stationary car going the other way. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

I had been shopping for plants all day. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it. I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. (The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.)

 

"What's the definition of eternity? Four blondes at a four-way stop."
(Vanna Bonta)

 

GREAT SEUSS'S GHOST

Some rejected Seuss titles making the rounds:

The Cat in The Blender

Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert

Fox in Detox

Who Shat in the Hat

Horton Hires a Ho

The Flesh-Eating Lorax

The Grinch's Ten Inches

My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket

Aunts in My Pants

Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff

Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?

Are You My Proctologist?

 

AND SPEAKING OF PROCTOLOGY

This guy wants to be one, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class to practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there's a cork in his ass! He thinks it a little strange, so he pulls it out and he hears, "On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out, returns with the Medical Examiner. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out. "On the road again..." The Medical Examiner is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says, "Any asshole can sing country music!"

 

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist---"
(Last words of Union General John Sedgwick at the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House)

 

YOU ANIMAL!

A story gained international coverage about a wild Japanese monkey that brought the city of Osaka to a standstill when it took a kitten hostage on TV and ultimately escaped from over fifty armed policemen. But other monkeyshines made the news as well:

In the Bangladesh village of Savar, a wild monkey on a rampage hospitalized at least thirteen people. But while vigilante groups and police were hunting it down, a group called "Youth for Animals" staged demonstrations, chanting, "You have nothing to fear. We are with you," and carried signs reading "We are ready to die for the freedom of the monkey."

Also, authorities in Kampala, Uganda, announced that they were hunting a man who knocks out gorillas with tranquilizer darts, then dresses them in clown outfits. (Must have seen "Dr. Dolittle...)

Finally, after a mountain lion attacked and killed a marathon runner in California's Sierra foothills, a trust fund was set up for the woman's two children. After authorities tracked and killed the lion, another fund was established for the lion's orphaned cub. While the cub's fund had reached $21,000 in just weeks, the children's trust held only $9,000.

 

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
(Flight Attendant's comment after a lame landing)

 

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

From the book, "Bizarre Tales from New Scientist:"

In Scandinavia, look for Schmuck Papers, Fartek babywear, Krapp toilet tissues (I have some), Bums Biscuits and Nora Knackers crackers.

Dribly lemonade, Mental breath freshners, Mukk yogurt, and Smeg kitchen appliances can be found in Pagnacco, Italy, where you can get tools from a shop called Smut; while Amsterdam offers Vaccine (an aftershave) and Glans (a shampoo).

Skina Babe baby lotion and Cow shaving foam are stocked in Japan; Bonka coffee and Arses wine in Spain; and while Greece offers Zit lemonade, you can down Cock Drops cocktails bitters in Cyprus, swallow carbonated Prik in the Netherlands or guzzle Pee Cola in Ghana.

Germany sells Plops savory snacks and Bum toilet paper; Brits can buy Foul Medames tinned beans, Mexicans, Bimbo biscuits, and the French can get up to Crapsy and Plopsies (both high-fiber cereals).

 

"If Al Capp married Al Pacino, they would both be Al Cappacino -- but only one would be a necrophile."
(Michael Dare)

 

BOWLED OVER

Thanks to Betty Thomas for throwing a super bowling bash for her cast and crew this Sunday evening to celebrate the hundred-million-mark for "Dr. Dolittle" -- who's graciously NOT living up to his name!

 

SOMETHING FISHY

And to celebrate my first residual check, I'm going right out to buy a Virtual Fish Tank by NEC's Fish Club -- a laser disc machine that offers a variety of tropical fish displayed on a 32-inch screen behind a water-filled, bubbling facade! And it's only $17,000!!! I'll buy two. One for Betty.

 

WHAT ALES YE?

"The Beer Prayer"

(Gracias to Gurvitch)

Our lager, which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thine will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home, as in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill it upon us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, and the bitter,
And the lager, forever. Bar men.

 

Published 7/20/98

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor