Planet Proctor '98, Volume 19

"If Rosemary De Camp married William Kuntsler, she'd be Rosemary De Camp Kuntsler."
(Bob Claster)

RADIONOW, NOW!

The uncanny predictive knack of the Firesign Foursome is at it again. Here's a quote from a radio spot on the upcoming Rhino RadioNow CD, Give Me Immortality or Give Me Death:

"The critics are unanimous! They hate 'Pull My String' -- 'A new level of low. A morbid exploitation of the freshly dead. The end of film.' But what do the people say...?"

In Newsweek, July 6, in an article about Armageddon's director Michael Bay:

"There are... critics who see Bay as the Great Satan (sic). For them, he's... a poster boy for the death of cinema." To which Bay adds, "Failure is when no one shows up. When people -- not critics -- absolutely hate your movie."

Later, the article ends with Bay's former teacher Basinger saying, "It's the kind of filmmaking we like to say is the end of civilization." And in this week's New Times, a local entertainment paper, the film's review reads: "Armageddon signals the death of storytelling."

"I'm going back in soon as my seat is dry..."

KID'S BOOKS - NOT!

Barney's Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
Dad's New Wife, Timothy
Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
Dick, Jane and Spot Wander into the 'Hood'
Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland
Joe Camel and the Magic Cancer Stick
Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without their Clothes On
Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games
Testing Homemade Parachutes with Your Household Pets
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
The Crack House at Pooh Corner
The Frog Formerly Known as Prince
The Hardy Boys, the Bobbsey Twins and The Vice Squad
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Great Childhood Fragrances...Apple Pie, Cotton Candy and Bicycle Seats
Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things From Your Nose
When Mommy Leaves Daddy, and What You Did to Cause It

PLANET STUPID

Point the comet this way! Personal encounters with idiots...

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk informed me that she could not complete the transaction until I signed my name on the back of the card. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the "Deer Crossing" sign on our road. Why? Many deer were being hit by cars and he "no longer wanted them to cross there."

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks with this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. (Forwarded by Mike Harris, who may or may not be an idiot).

DA-DA!!!

I've been getting a lot of those "home loan" come-ons in the mail lately -- you know, it looks like a check for fifty thousand dollars, except it says "THIS IS NOT A CHECK" written in large letters on it. I'm saving them up to buy Magritte's "Ceci n'est pas une pipe"... Brian Westley

OH-OH!

Orbiter Taylor Jessen ran an informal survey not long ago to determine what the catchy nickname of the next decade will. Although the "official" answer is "The Aughts" the off-the-cuff responses of many polled "reveals something interesting, if not about America, then about people with severe head colds."

"The Aughts" (three votes, including a member of the group Negativeland and someone belonging to Mensa)

"The Oh-Ohs"

"The Zero-ies"

"The Naughties" (two votes)

"Bob's Decade"

"The Decade That Wasn't"

"The Big Ol' Triple Zeroes"

"Double-Knot"

FROM THE OPERA WINFREY SHOW?

Dear Rodolfo:

Son, you've got a charming studio and lovely roommates, but did you have to get a fourth-floor walk-up? Do you want to see me in an early grave? I know it's an L-shaped studio with an alcove, but FOUR people! I'm not going to ask who sleeps where. If you had a normal job like your brother, Stanley, you'd be living in a nice one-bedroom in an elevator building. And believe me, your neighbors are a bunch of characters. That girl on five is a real floozy and a lousy seamstress. I don't know, other beatniks are very happy in Greenwich Village, mine had to shlepp to France.

Mother

(Ivan Berger)

FIRESIGN REUNION CATCHING!

People On-Line says that CBS has ordered eight episodes of "Payne," an American version of John Cleese's '70s Britcom "Fawlty Towers," about the running of a country hotel. The remake, scheduled to debut midseason on CBS, stars Emmy-winner John Larroquette and JoBeth Williams in the Prunella Scales role.

TRIAL AND TRIAL AGAIN

(From Marc Shar via Katherine James, to Mr. Margolis)

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."

WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."

CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."

WITNESS: That's right.

CLERK: Repeat it.

WITNESS: "Repeat it".

CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.

WITNESS: What you said when?

CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."

WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."

CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."

WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!

CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."

WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.

CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."

WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."

CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".

WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)

CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: Yes.

CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?

WITNESS: Yes.

CLERK: Well? Do so.

WITNESS: You're confusing me.

CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".

WITNESS: Is that all?

CLERK: Yes.

WITNESS: Okay. I understand.

CLERK: Then say it.

WITNESS: What?

CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.

CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!

CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing," "But," "The," "Truth."

WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?

CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.

WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."

CLERK: Thank you.

WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?

WITNESS: I did.

LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duckpond?

WITNESS: I did.

LAWYER: And did you observe anything?

WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)

LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?

WITNESS: I saw George.

LAWYER: You saw George N________, the defendant in this case?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?

WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)

LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?

WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.

LAWYER: His "thing"?

WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.

LAWYER: You passed close by the duckpond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?

WITNESS: Of course I did!

LAWYER: What did you say to him?

WITNESS: "Morning, George."

TITS A CRIME!

(Reuters) The Tampa Tribune reported that a Florida man has filed suit against a nightclub, claiming he suffered whiplash when a topless dancer knocked him out with her oversized breasts.

Paul Shimkonis, 38, filed suit seeking more than $15,000 in damages from the Diamond Dolls club. He and friends visited the bar on Sept. 27, 1996, and as he was the guest of honor, the dancers asked him to sit on a low chair, rest his head on the back and close his eyes. Then, a dancer, known as Tawny Peaks gyrated in front of him, and without warning or consent "jumped on the plaintiff forcing her very large breasts into his face causing his head to jerk backward." Jerk. Backward. Krej.

BUT WHAT DO THE PEOPLE SAY?

Dr. John writes, "Congrats on your moonshined monkey-shines as descripted in USA Today. Coincidentally (and vicariously) my daughter, Sarah, just got the "leading man" role of Mr. Nilsson, Pippi Longstocking's monkey, at her community theater.

And from Ann Fry, "Loved you as the drunk monkey in Dr. Doolittle -- you were hilarious, as was the whole movie. I saw it two times in that first weekend. All of the animal parts were so funny!! Congratulations!!"

(Opinions expressed in Planet Proctor are not necessarily those of the Planet.)

RAY REIGNS!

"Masters of Fantasy: Industrial Light & Magic" by Jon Kroll, airs this week on the Sci-Fi Channel. This tribute to George Lucas' 14-time Oscar-winning effects house features interviews with George Lucas, Robert Zemeckis, Robin Williams, Will Smith, Barry Sonnenfeld, Dennis Muren, Ken Ralston, Joe Dante and many, many others. Some of the many films featured are "Star Wars," "Who Framed Roger Rabbit," "Death Becomes Her," "Forrest Gump," "The Lost World," "Men in Black," "Deep Impact" and "Small Soldiers." It was narrated by RadioNow's Two-Time Gimme Award Runner-Up, Ray Hamberger.

Thursday, July 9th, 4:30PM & 8:30PM Pacific; Sunday, 7/12, 8:30AM Pacific; Wednesday, 7/15, 4:30PM & 8:30PM Pacific; Sunday, 7/19, 6:30AM Pacific.

Published 7/8/98