"One minute you're in front of the cameras, and the next you're down on your knees,
scrubbing the bathroom floor."
(Margot Mundaigne, on Hollywood)

 

ALL SINGING! ALL DANCING!

"Patience" was a big hit at the NoHo Festival last weekend, and we're planning to present a backer's audition of this special one-hour condensed version on Monday July 6, at the Ventura Court Theatre in Studio City. If you're interested, and especially if you want to be an "angel," please contact me as seating is limited. (Expect a charge of $5 - $10 to help defray expenses)

My first reading back in the "real world" by the way, was for a Charmin commercial. They're looking for "The Johnny Appleseed of bathroom tissue."

Also, look (or listen) for me as the "drunk monkey" in "Dr. Dolittle" opening June 26; and remember - "Loose sync shifts lips." (Harvey Rubens)

 

DON'T MISS TV!

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again." - "The Wizard of Oz" listed in a Marin paper from Larry "Smoke Signals" Estes.

Also, "Masters of Fantasy: Harlan Ellison" narrated by RadioNow's own Ray Hamberger can be experienced on the Sci-Fi Channel Thursday, June 18, at 5:30 and 9:30 PDT, Sunday/21 at 7:30 am and Wednesday/24 at 5:30/9:30.

Part of the documentary by Jon Kroll was taped at Dangerous Visions in Sherman Oaks, where X-Files creator Chris Carter gave Harlan a topic to write in the window when he wasn't greeting fans and signing books. What follows is a report on part of that event as related by a member of the alt.tv.x-files newsgroup...

 

GONE HOLLYWOOD...?

"A man with a video camera so huge it must have come out of a pre-Cambrian deposit underneath the La Brea Tar Pits came up to CC. The Red Sea parted and 2/3 of the people, dogs and video cameras in the store sloshed to the back with me and CC. The rest stayed with Harlan, who was now on page 2.

I'd better describe CC. He's not as tall as I thought, not over 6 feet. He is *very* well proportioned, with wide shoulders, narrow hips and no sign of overweight. He was wearing jeans. (I didn't get to see the jeans from the front, sorry, all of you jeans-watchers, but the back was as attractive as has been intimated on this NG before.)

He has that open, honest, smiling face we've all seen on the introductions to X-Files videos. Although he was outstanding in this milieu, he didn't have any Hollywood mannerisms or dress to suggest star status. There was one other guy there, in a Firesign theater tour jacket, who had black clothes, loud voice and fake intimacy with lots 'o' people that made it clear *he* was a star, even though I couldn't place him, whereas CC seemed like a naturally charismatic ordinary person, not a Hollywood type at all." (Hmm. Who could that have been, I wonder...)

"Before you criticize a man, first walk a mile in his shoes. That way, after you criticize him, you're a mile away from him and he doesn't have his shoes."

"Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!"

 

ORDER NOW!

From NARAS's Grammy Awards Guide for June: "Piano Music by Great Jewish Composers," "A Talk with Jerry Garcia," described as "A candid conversation between an awe-struck fan & Jerry Garcia." "Jerry Falwell Presents God Save America," "Evan and Jaron - We've Never Heard of You Either."

Also, "Mozart for Monday Mornings," "Music for People Who Hate Opera," and the "Complete National Anthems of the World from Acadia to Zimbabwe" in six volumes on Marco Polo Records.

In the video selection section, you might want to order "Auditions - A provocative portrait of young actors & the struggles behind the scenes. (Hebrew with English subtitles)" or "Fela In Concert -- All-night concert recorded live in Paris with exotic West African dances performed by 15 of his wives."

 

TUNE IN YESTERDAY

Over 100 hours of vintage radio shows, including "The Lone Ranger" and "The Jack Benny Show", will be made available on the Internet. The radio drama shows come from Radio Spirits Inc. through an arrangement with On-Line Entertainment Network Inc. (www.oen.com). OEN operates a Web site also offering music samples and full length CD cuts on a pay-per-listen basis. "There is a tremendous audience for these classic radio shows and the fans transcend all age groups," said Ted Mather, OEN's president.

 

LOST AND FOUND IN THE TRANSLATION

When it comes to translating movie titles, not every name will do. "Major studios think up titles that are flat, boring and don't tell audiences what movies are about," says Doinel Wu, who has spent more than a decade renaming Western movies for Hong Kong audiences. "We create titles that are more straightforward."

Hence, the Cantonese title for the film biography "Nixon" is "The Big Liar." The title for "Boogie Nights" can be interpreted as "His Powerful Device Makes Him Famous;" and for the arty thriller "The Professional," about a killer befriending an orphan girl, he concocted "This Hit Man Is Not as Cold as He Thought."

Since many of Hong Kong residents don't know Fargo is a city in snow-blown North Dakota, the movie "Fargo" became "Mysterious Murder in Snowy Cream" as the words "snowy cream" are pronounced "fah go" in Cantonese.

"The English Patient" was problematic. Few Hong Kong residents knew of the novel and marketers say a faithful translation, like "The Sick Englishman," wouldn't have drawn audiences. Mr. Wu's title? "Don't Ask Me Who I Am," says it all.

But some of the local idioms don't travel well. "The Full Monty" uses a Cantonese colloquialism meaning "Six Stripped Warriors" while the Mandarin interpretation reads "Six Naked Pigs." And the Hong Kong title for "As Good As It Gets"? -- "Mr. Cat Poop." Its distributor declined comment. (From Hal Lipper, Wall Street Journal)

 

BLONDE HAIKU

A blonde was standing on the bank of a great river. She saw another blonde on the opposite bank. She calls out, "How do I get to the other side!" The other shouts back, "You are on the other side!" (Marc K. Myers)

 

AW, SHOOT!

"Charlton Heston, aka Moses, should emphasize The Ten Commandments, and not the Second Amendment of the Constitution," suggests Shirley Temple Black. "Thou shalt not kill, Charlton!"

My wife, Melinda, thinks that Yosemite Sam would actually be the best spokesthing for the NRA. They could then promote the motto, "Where's my gun!!??" As the bump-off stinkers say, "I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. Keep honking while I reload."

 

GOING POSTAL

And Mr. Voices asks, "Did you know that, as their official tie-in to Warner Bros. cartoons, the U.S. Postal Service sells a cap with Bugs on it captioned 'USPS - Looney Tunes'? I got one. How long before they realize and it becomes an instant collector's item? Remember, we'll still talking about the post office here."

 

OL' PORCELAIN EYES

And speaking of collector's items! Frank Sinatra's Singing Portrait Doll is finally available! And endorsed by the Sinatra Family! Hear Frank sing "Witchcraft, "exactly as you remember him. Dazzling and debonair in an impeccably tailored midnight-blue suit, his signature hat and raincoat casually tossed over one shoulder. Complete with those blazing blue eyes with that 'sly, come-hither stare...'" From the Franklin Mint, it will look great next to your Princess Goddess Doll, which warbles "Pull My String" the titled song from the soon-to-be-released film of her untimely life! Get yours today!

Frank on critics: "Critics are the people who go out onto the battlefield after the battle is over and shoot the wounded."

 

THE OLD AND THE TRANQUILIZED

Top 15 Rejected Names for Soap Operas

15. "My Three Dads"
14. "Young Doctors Screwing Like Weasels On Speed"
13. "The Bold and the Butt-Ugly"
12. "Implausible Place"
11. "Days of My Pants"
10. "The Many Moods of Martha S."
9. "Touched by a Priest"
8. "As the Condom Breaks"
7. "San Quentin!"
6. "Genital Hospital" (Been there, done that, PP)
5. "Everyone's Named 'Ashley'"
4. "People Who Are Thinner and Prettier Than You, Living in Houses Much Larger and Better Decorated Than Yours, in a Town More Exclusive Than Yours, Though Granted It Has an Unusually High Concentration of Social Problems Per Capita"
3. "All Sean Kemp's Children"
2. "As Close As *You'll* Ever Get To Romantic Intrigue, You Lardass Warthog"


(and the #1, etc. yaydayada)

1. "The Young and the Amish"

1998 Chris White and Ziff Davis, top5@walrus.com - http://www.topfive.com

"Imagine using Secondary Smoke as a conscientious objection: I'm not going to war because the enemy smokes!"
(Dennis Prager Show, 6/5/98)

 

APOCALYPSE WHEN?

A front page article in the L.A. Times described "the father of Pakistan's nuclear weapons program" as (in his own words) "the kindest man in Pakistan." "I feed the ants in the morning. I feed the monkeys." continues Addul Qadeer Khan, as he tosses peanuts to the chattering simians gathered around him in the woods across from his house. He also has several cats and dogs and daughters and a South American parrot named Polly, who likes to sit on his shoulder, but he adds cryptically, "She doesn't give away our secrets."

"The bomb gave peace to Europe for fifty years," Khan says. "I believe I have saved thousands of people."

"God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier."

 

APOCRYPHALLY SPEAKING

And according to a piece by James Reston, Jr. in the old same place, the word "apocalypse" when traced to its Greek roots actually means "an unveiling, an uncovering, a disclosure, a revelation."

It got its present scary significance from the 1498 "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" woodcut by Albrecht Durer. By the by, anybody know the names of the members of the Brit-rock band "The Four Cowboys of the Apocalypse" featured on RadioNow? OK - it's Smiley, Froggy, Sneezy and Slim. And remember, if you're gonna binge, don't binge alone!

"Hope for the best. Expect the worst. Life is a play. We're unrehearsed."
(Mel Brooks)

 

Published 6/18/98

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor