"The Emerald Isle came out with Corned-Beef-and-Cabbage flavored
condoms for St. Patrick's Day, but warned that they should not be
used as condoms."

Ronn Owens Show, KABC Radio, 3/12/98

 

BLOWING IT?

There is a rumor that the Republicans are considering changing their emblem from an elephant to a condom because a condom stands for inflation, halts production, encourages cooperation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

 

THIS JOB BLOWS!

(Actual quotes from personnel forms) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. I would not allow this employee to breed. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. He should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. Since my last report, she has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

 

THE CHECK IS IN YOUR ASS

From our local celebrity radio lawyer, Prof. Eugene Volokh, comes this candidate for "Urban Myth of the Month"-- A company takes out a newspaper advert, claiming to be able to supply hard core, imported pornographic videos. The prices are reasonable and people order by check. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present laws, they are unable to supply the materials, so they return the money in the form of a company check.

However, few people bother to present the checks at their bank due to the name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."

 

STATE OF THE DISUNION

A message from the man from Hot Springs...

"My fellow Americans, I've decided to do my part to put an end to the speculation, rumors and political bickering that has been rampant across the country for the past weeks. I want to do what's right and speak to you tonight with honesty, integrity and sincerity... I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.

"So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.

"Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called 'Kennebunkport' who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with.

"There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon, before that, coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability;' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.

"Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for 'beaver-wrestling' shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point.

"Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman; the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.

"Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter. Unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in which garage I'm parking the Presidential limousine." (Anonymous, so far)

 

PICK IT, BUT DON'T RUB IT!

Jerusalem -- The Israeli newspaper Yediot Achronot reported that leading ultra-Orthodox Rabbi Ovadia Yosef had said nose-picking was forbidden on the Jewish Sabbath because tiny hairs inside the nostrils might also be pulled out, but the rabbi -- one of a select group responding to questions from Jews on details of applying Jewish law to daily life -- has since ruled in a satellite sermon that it is permitted to pick your nose during the High Holy days. Just don't rub it on your schpattal!

(Adapted from the Jewish Humor List, International Herald Tribune and the AP, via Ilana Rosansky. Hey, it's in the net!)

 

SPEAKING OF RELIGION

Mother Theresa is at the Gates of Heaven, and St. Peter gives her a halo. She starts to walk around heaven and bumps into Princess Diana. They talk for a little bit, and Mother Theresa notices that Diana's halo is a lot bigger than her own.

Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says to him "You know, I devoted my whole adult life to taking care of the poor and sick. I lived in the most horrible conditions for many years and I would think that I deserve a bigger halo than the one Diana has. After all, she was married to royalty, never endured the hardships I went through, and I just don't think it's fair that her halo is bigger."

St. Peter says, "Mother Theresa, please calm down. That's not a halo - it's a steering wheel."

 

MEANWHILE, BACK ON EARTH

Joe Peterson, a tourist in Italy, broke an arm and both legs when he fell over a cliff trying to pick a lucky four-leaf clover, and a Florida man was killed when he ran his car into a "Welcome to Miami Beach" road sign.

An unidentified man in Buenos Aires pushed his wife out of an eighth-floor window this week, but his plan to kill her failed when she became entangled in some power cables below. Seeing she was still alive, the man jumped out and tried to land on top of her. He missed and killed himself.

And an Australian man accused of murdering his first wife couldn't seem to get his story straight. June Mathew, John Rushton's second wife for five years, testified that Rushton-- who claimed he was a nuclear physicist, a naval commander and was knighted for saving the Queen's life -- told her his first wife ran off with a Baptist minister after committing 55 acts of adultery, died of a heart attack, and drowned after being washed overboard. She believed him because "he was a good talker..."

When James Nagel tried to abduct a Los Angeles woman, someone tipped off police resulting in a 30 minute low speed chase that culminated with a foot pursuit. He shot at police several times, but missed, then climbed a utility pole and threatened to kill himself. After failing to talk him down, police peppered him with ten rounds of plastic bullets. Nagel finally surrendered after being sprayed for five minutes with a high-powered water hose, but not before accidentally shooting himself in the forehead.

A woman in Columbus, Ohio was arrested for mowing her lawn topless. When officers cited Kim Hansen for public indecency, she "put bandages and leaves" on her breasts and went back to work. Meanwhile, Carlos Diaz of New York got 18 years to life for committing a series of robberies by pretending a zucchini hidden under his jacket was a gun.

County Judge Richard Jones is under fire in Nebraska for signing court documents "Adolf Hitler," setting a defendant's bail at "a zillion dollars," and tossing firecrackers into another judge's office, and a Los Angeles Municipal Court judge is under investigation for drug use, after "exhibiting slurred and rambling speech and appearing to speak to an empty witness stand."

The Product of the Week Award goes to Japanese inventor Kenji Kawakami, who created "Baby Mops" by attaching mops to baby clothing so your infant can clean the floor as he crawls. Plans for the "Baby-Vac" are still on the drawing board. "That's Bizarre!" (Copyright, we presume) and remember, it's all true...

 

HEY, MR. LANDLORD!

"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.

"When I applied for a rebate you said that you would have to take something off. Now that you have taken it off, I have been told that you should have put some on. So will you please take off what you took off and put on what you should have put on when you took it off?

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy. I also want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

"Would you please repair our toilet? Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. My son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. This is also to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

"Will you please send someone to mend our broken path? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. My father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

 

WHERE AM US ANYWAY?

Still in the studio with the 4 or 5 crazee guys and up to "page 38" of "RadioNow" for our Rhino CD. I have no time to breathe, let alone type, but have taken some time out to voice an alcoholic circus monkey, directed by Betty Thomas, on Eddie Murphy's "Dr. Dolittle" where I ran into one of my personal favorites, Albert Brooks, who's portraying my pal in the flick, a suicidal tiger. Dave Ossman was with me and we all had a nice reconnection, as I did earlier in the week as well at Carl Gottlieb's fabulous flashback birthday bash.

I hope you enjoyed this fast-fool issue! The Ed.

 

Published 3/21/98

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor