"Coming up at six o'clock
your bra could be hazardous to your health"
(KABC promo, 2/23/98)

 

THE "Y" GENERATION SPEAKS

We are on the verge of freedom and seizing everything we can.

We wear the uniforms of jock, of geek, of preppy... all at the same time.

We refuse to be figured out.

We embrace all of it just in case there is something to embrace.

We are headed toward we don't know what, but full speed ahead.

("Unionbay" ad copy, SPIN magazine 3/98)

 

GIRL KISSES COD

Garry Goodrow e-motes: "So, I open my 'Macallandar' and there's a picture of your daughter kissing a fish! Now I understand why you always refer to her as beautiful... If that fish had any decency, it would have immediately become a handsome prince."

Garry's referring to a photo taken after a fishing trip in the Norwegian Sea at Nordcapp, the most Northern point in Scandinavia where Kristin had been performing folk dances at the tourist center. Here's the rest of the story in my daughter's own words:

"Five of us went out fishing in this guy's boat -- Jarl Magne, who lives up there... I was explaining what a wuss I was last time I went out. (We were 3 girls, and we caught one fish and none of us managed to kill it... hit it against the boat, break it's neck... like that.) But now I was going to show Jarl Magne that I was tough. And by God I was.

"We pulled up our first fish and slit it's throat, and then we learned how to gut it and it was cool... (My science teacher did say I had the knack for being a surgeon, after dissecting cows' eyes in science class). But most importantly, we managed to convince Jarl Magne so much... we were out on the ocean for 4 hours... and I caught the biggest cod.

"We didn't use any bait, and sang to keep warm... and maybe drank some, too -- you know Norwegians. We caught seven in all including two cod, returned covered in fish guts and blood, and the seagulls had a feast eating up the remains we threw out to sea. It was real fun. My first real fishing trip way up North..."

 

QUOTE - UNQUOTE

"Aquamudding -- it's a new thing and I have a feeling it's important..." Local L.A. News Anchor

"I don't mind if you voice an opinion, as long as you keep it to yourself." Chas Barkley, "the new Yogi B," (according to Hank Rosenfeld)

"Nothing better than a movie that says what it has to say and then shuts up." Short filmmaker J. Jonah Joey

"The president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find the real person who had oral sex with the intern." OJ Simpson

"In last week's Cabinet meeting, the president asked us to go out and win one for the zipper." Madeliene "Aunt Bea" Albright

"If the president could convince every woman in America that the Bible says oral sex is not adultery, he'd even have my vote." Newt Gingrich

"The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different stories." Sam Donaldson

"Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door is locked." George Stephanopoulos

 

THE DOCTOR IS OUT

Look "out." I've put together a collection of documentation statements purportedly from patient's charts in several major hospitals, sent by Bob Koster:

"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. She is numb from her toes down.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. The skin was moist and dry.

Patient was alert and unresponsive. He lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. He was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

 

SHOW ME TEN PERCENT OF THE MONEY

From The Sampler: "On Galapagos Island there is a peculiar kind of finch that stabs other birds with its beak and drinks their blood." The forward Mr. Dubin notes that "Ornithologists would find this much less peculiar and readily recognizable behavior if they spent 15 minutes in show business." Or, as User Gurvitch adds, "There's no abyssness like show abyssness."

 

DIRECTIONS IN ENGLISH?

On an American Airlines packet of nuts - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning - contains nuts.

On A Swedish Chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

On Tesco's Tirimisu Desert: Do not turn upside down. (Written on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not Iron clothes on body.

On Boots children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning - may cause drowsiness.

On A Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

(From David Walster in Jolly Olde England)

 

SNACKTIME!

These "Worst Convenience Foods" were forwarded by Eugene Volokh, (who gives delightful teas) from a mystery chef unknown:

Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely/USA): Yes, sauerkraut juice... reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits... which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.

Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the label who seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.

Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,178 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs. (I have a can of this I purchased in London as a stocking stuffer, and I mean stuffer... Ed)

Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor... albeit one that tastes disturbingly like raw meat. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?

Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.

Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate: This Finnish canned good may not be particularly tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up as a cracker spread.

Tengu Clam Jerky: Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.

 

I NEVER TIRE OF A GOD JOKE

Mother Theresa is at the Gates of Heaven where St. Peter presents her with her halo. She joyfully strolls around heaven, and bumps into Princess Diana. They chat for a bit, and Mother Theresa notices that Diana's halo is a lot bigger than her own, so she seeks out St. Peter and says,

"You know I devoted my whole life to taking care of the poor and infirm. I lived in the most horrible conditions for many years, and I would think that I deserve a bigger halo than the one Diana has. After all, she was married to royalty, never endured any real hardships, and I just don't think it's fair that her halo is bigger than mine."

"Dear Mother Theresa," finally said St. Peter, "Please calm down. That's not a halo -- it's a steering wheel." (Zyborg)

 

GEORGIE, WE HARDLY KNEW YE...

A recent issue of the "Only In L.A." column by our pal, Steve Harvey, featured the following:

"One of the most glorious names in USC history was George Tirebiter, a mangy mutt who wandered onto the campus around 1941 and became the school's mascot (even surviving a kidnapping by rivals who trimmed his fur so that it spelled out 'UCLA'). The hound has inspired a fictional work, 'Bite On,' by George Reichart who tells the adventures of George Tirebiter V, the great-great-grandson of the original, according to USC Trojan Family magazine. (No doubt Tirebiter has more than a few descendants running around).

This is the greatest tribute to the dog since he was hit by a car (oh, heavy irony) and killed in 1950. The Daily Trojan eulogy said: 'Gone to heaven, where he will have cushion rides for breakfast, white sidewalls for lunch, and cold rubber recaps for dinner...' " Yum.

 

IF THE GENES FIT...

Dr. Vincent Beraid, famed gene designer, died violently in his laboratory. Dr. Beraid specialized in creating large animals for meat production. His death occurred during the development of a hog weighing over two tons. He had been using almost eighty cloned gorillas trained to carry out the mundane task of caring for this brute, who looked remarkably like Jabba the Hut.

One of the complicating factors in caring for this beast was his terrible bad breath. After feeding, it was necessary for several of the apes to force over 100 Cloret tablets down his throat before anyone could go into the lab. On the day of the doctor's death, one of the gorillas spilled the tablets onto the floor. The doctor became enraged and began beating the poor ape. His brothers rioted and pandemonium ensued.

It was four days before the police could enter the area with hermetically sealed Caterpillar bulldozers. Portions of Dr. Beraid's remains were DNA fingerprinted from wall and ceiling residue. The apes were genetically re-programmed and farmed out to area hotels for bellhop duties. Hormel and Tyson have submitted bids for the hog.

Dr. Beraid's remains were fresh-frozen and purchased by New York attorney Barry Scheck for an undisclosed sum; and the police report summarizing the event stated: "Seventy-six strong clones fed the pig Beraid, with a hundred and ten Clorets close at hand." (From The Humor List, "thanks" to Garry Margolis)

 

Published 3/06/98

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor