"Is Bob Dylan wearing a tux? That's it, the sixties are over."
Mike Kingsley, editor of Slate.

 

FABULOUS FEBRUARY!

February is "National Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month" and "Great American Pies Month"! On February 8th it's the Cookbook Festival at the West Acres Shopping Center in Fargo, North Dakota; February 18 is the 68th anniversary of the first cow milked while flying in an airplane; and on February 27 they celebrate "Bun Day" in Iceland!

It's also the month of my appearance on MR. KABC's bright, eclectic show at 11pm on Thursday, February 19... Listen up!

 

PRICEYS, THE SHOPAHOLIC (Feb 19 - March 20)

We have entered the sign of "Priceys--the Shopaholic." You're going to make a lot of money this month, Priceys, and if you print it correctly this time -- hint: no "Y" in "United"-- you'll be able to pass your good fortune along and walk out of those trendy stores without setting off any alarms.

Later, as you swim from bar to bar, the drinks are on you -- but you don't care, you're wearing designer vinyl. Later, as you take a break resting on your back on the sidewalk, make a wish on that lucky star up there, and just hope it isn't the Mir space station about to fall on you. This is Dr. Cloud Astro reminding you to "Blame it on the stars!"

 

PROCTOR IN HOSPITAL

And speaking of stars, I taped a fun role on "General Hospital" this week with the delectible Vanessa Marcil. I'm the producer of a TV spot for "Genie" Motors and she is my "Barbara Eden" in a diaphanous harem outfit that leaves little to the imagination. Vanessa is a clever actress and we had a lot of fun working together. Set your VCRs for Friday, February 27.

 

OZ 1998

Richard LodesTone Fish says that Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle, and Newt Gingrich were in a car driving along I-70 in Kansas on their way to see Bob Dole when a tornado suddenly lifted the car off the ground and swirled it through the sky until it came down with a big thud in the magic kingdom of Oz. After some caucusing they decided to go and see The Wizard.

"Oh this is terrific!" says Quayle, "I'm going to ask for a brain!"

"Yeah, this is fantastic!" says Newt, "I'm going to ask for a heart!"

And Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?!?"

To which Mike Gerber adds "Whatever else you can say about him, Clinton's an amazing politician. Whether he gets impeached or not, the President is determined to get off."

 

NIXON AND CLINTON IS THE SAME THING

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burning

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Giddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

Nixon: Said "I'm not a crook."
Clinton: Said "My penis isn't crooked."

Clinton: Gave Lewinsky gift of Walt Whitman poetry.
Nixon: Gave Watergate burglars boxes of Whitman Sampler chocolates.

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference

 

THE BLACK ARMORED FLYING BUGS?

Frank M. Bland sent the following first lines of Beatles tunes that have been translated into French, then back into English, then into German and back, by the free (beta) service at http://babelfish.altavista.digital.com

  1. If it gives for which to some extent, you require, if there is, load something I then to form me even in, and I send to you with the love of me him.
  2. I was, I made an idiom, I not only knew, which there I would find.
  3. I it is come the lucky discovery itself during the time from Marymutter of the trouble to the house of the words, which speak about the intelligence, disappear they left.
  4. I has a girl or would have it, that the legend of I to have it has me in the past in the past to have.
  5. When I age you and destroy my hair, much years henceforth, nevertheless, send you a Valentine me, the greetings of the birthday, bottle wine?
  6. The expensive OH that the inscriptions of I, the baby in the blue black those and of me the preserve of feeling, to me the OH explains, that I then to form?
  7. I am connection by the drilling, which the rain uses and stops my wandering spirit where it will disappear. (Sing along.)

 

LET'S EAT!

From John Flaherty's "1997 Illustrated Calendar of Fat": One corn chip=40 baby carrots; one peanut=almost 3 cups of air-popped popcorn; one chocolate bar=60 fat-free cookies; three regular cookies=19 fat-free cookies; one bag of M&Ms=13 apples; one chocolate truffle=26 oranges; one chocolate donut=70 oranges; ten pounds of tomatoes=1/3 serving Creamy Parmesan dressing; twenty oz. of pretzels=one pound of potato chips; two fastfood restaurant french fries=two whole baked potatoes. (More motivation to stick to our "Meat and Martini Diet.")

 

ONLY THREE HUNDRED SOME ODD DAYS TIL XMAS

From the December '97 Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue: Seven-minute Risotto Cookies, Golf Club Drink Dispensers, Non-piercing Electric Can Openers, Pop Up Hot Dog Cookers, Turkish Waffleweave Robes, Correct Posture Pet Feeders and Dogfood Play Cubes, Sonic Rodent Repellers, Handblown Pooh Bear Ornaments and Remote-controlled Flying Saucers. Back order now!

And speaking of Chri$tma$, did you know that according to an article in the L.A. Times, the price of a Beanie Baby is enough to pay for prenatal care for five women in Bangladesh? Three large Starbuck's lattes pays for a medical checkup of a Bolivian child; a new Puff Daddy CD costs the same as a week of hospital care in Uganda and the price of a Sing & Snore Ernie doll buys a month's worth of food for a family of four in Somalia.

 

PISSED OFF

Elmhurst, Illinois - An officer reported seeing a pair of buttocks protruding from the second floor window of an apartment building at 227 E. Irving Park Rd., according to police, who said the officer stopped his patrol car in time to see the suspect allegedly urinate on an awning below. Hayley D. Richards, 20, reportedly told the officer that the washroom in her apartment was occupied. She was charged with urinating in public. (Garry Margolis)

 

DOES BRECHT MEAN "BARF" AUF DEUTSCH?

Melinda and I recently participated in the Bertold Brecht Festival here in L.A., playing roles in a reading produced and directed by Frank Dwyer, of the rarely seen play "Puntilla and his Man Matti" based on Finnish folk tales, which contains this marvelous "Ode to Herring":

"Welcome, O herring, thou sustenance of the poor! Appeaser of hunger at all times of the day; salty twister of the bowels! From the sea thou hast come, into the earth wilt thou go. Thou art the power that fells the pine forest and sows the fields, the power that moves the machines known as hired hands, who have not yet achieved perpetual motion. O herring, thou dog, if it weren't for you we'd start asking the boss for pork, and what would become of Finland then?"

 

BILLY WAS WILDER

Quotes from another director, Billy Wilder, gleaned from a recent documentary on KCET:

"It is not necessary for a director to know how to write, but he must know how to read... The One thing I hate more than not being taken seriously is being taken too seriously... If people don't go to see a picture, nobody can stop them!"

And finally, he tells a wonderful joke, "A man goes to his doctor and says, 'I can't pee.'

The doctor asks how old he is, to which he answers, 'Ninety.'

'You've peed enough,' says the doctor."

 

GOD HEAVENS!

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily."

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men." Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.

In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

 

NASA'S IN THE OLD, OLD GROUND

El Bozo forwarded the Top Ten Changes at NASA to accommodate 76-Year-Old John Glenn's return to space aboard the shuttle "Discovery"

10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.

9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.

8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.

7. "Early Bird" specials from Luby's Cafeteria included on menu.

6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.

5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.

4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.

3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.

2. Space pants now go up to armpits.

1. Left-blinker left on for entire mission.

 

MORE USELESS INFORMATION

El Bozo notes that Chevy Chase played drums for Steely Dan when they were a "garage" band.

I noticed that California GOP chairman Michael Schroeder came under fire recently for calling non-citizens who voted against Bob Dornan in his failed Congressional reelection bid, "stupid" and "dummies", prompting the query "How does a politician commit suicide?" Answer: He shoots himself in the foot while it's still in his mouth.

Warren Hutcherson asks, "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

And for those of you who wanted more info on the Bathroom Reader, you can get it by writing to The Bathroom Readers' Institute, St Martin's Press, 175 Fifth Ave, New York, NY 10010. You can even join the Institute by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to B.R.I., 1400 Shattuck Avenue, #25, Berkeley, CA 94709.

 

KEEP 'EM FLYING!

Happy landings to Rosie the Riveter, nee Emma Morris, 84, who placed her name and address on many of the planes she helped build and received many letters of gratitude from combat pilots. At the age of 82, her four grand and ten great grandkids had a P-51 specially modified so that she could go for a spin. She straffed Van Nuys airport and said" it provided closure for her memories of World War Two."

And goodbye to Old Blue Eyes. (I wanted to be the first.)

"I got nothing against rap, myself. It's just that I happen to like music."
Ray Charles

 

Published 2/13/98

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor