Planet Proctor Useless Edition, Volume 5

"Useless information is driving me insane..."
(Sting)

[Editor's note: In response to Phil's special edition of useless information, I took it upon myself -- at no extra charge to you, the viewer -- to add as many useless links as I can find. It's a "value-added" thang. As you read through this orbit, you will notice that the frequency of the links increase. It was not by design; I just got carried away with it -- it certainly delayed publication of this obit for some time, and left friends and families wondering if I was still alive. I am, and here is the result of Phil's and my efforts: a totally useless edition of Planet Proctor with totally useless (but whimsical) links. I hope you enjoy it. I'm going to take a long vacation now. - RJA, ed.]

OK, LET'S GET STARTED...

American cheese comes from England.
Henry Ford drove a car made of hemp.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
The longest place-name still in use is a New Zealand hill: Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu.
The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
The Ramses brand condom is named after the Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
The world's greatest lover was King Mongut of Siam. He had 9,000 wives. Before dying of syphilis he was quoted as saying he only loved the first 700.
Harrods Department Store of London installed its first escalator in 1896. Some riders fainted. The store stationed two attendants at the top to revive stricken folk with cognac. Thereafter, quite a few riders fainted, some several times.
Librarian Robert Henderson in 1939 proved baseball was derived from the English game of Rounders, but an A. G. Spalding wanted baseball to be the national sport, so in 1908 he set up a commission to support his story that Abner Doubleday invented the game at Cooperstown, N.Y., in 1839.
In France, a professional clown paints a replica of his made-up face on an emptied egg shell and it's registered and stored by a government bureau. By law, no other clown can use that face.
Who was the real Robinson Crusoe? In 1703, an old pirate named Alexander Selkirk, got mad at his ship's master, Capt. William Dampier, and jumped overboard. He slept that night on the beach and next morning hailed the ship, but the captain ignored him and set sail. Nine years later, it was that same Captain who saw Selkirk's campfire and sent a boat but Selkirk was still mad. It took two days to talk him into going aboard.
Why do you get wrinkles on your face, but nowhere else on your body? Because your face is the only place in your body where the muscles are attached to the skin. Elsewhere they're attached to your bones. That's why your face can express emotion, but your backside can't.

YOU ANIMAL!!!

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave. Reindeer like to eat bananas. Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. All porcupines float in water. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly. There are twice as many kangaroos in Australia as there are people. The kangaroo population is estimated at about 40 million. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400.
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason. It is possible to lead a cow (or a horse) upstairs but not downstairs. Horses love Jell-O. Dartboards are made out of horsehairs. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes. A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't. A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Horses cannot vomit.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. Rabbits cannot vomit. Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living. Camel's milk does not curdle. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head. The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.

IN A WORD!

"Sin" is an archery term for "missing the mark." "Mai Tai" is Tahitian for "the very best." "Chad" is the word for the little paper dots left over when you make perforations. Trace back the word "butler" and you'll get "bottle bearer." If the redhead objects to the word redhead, you can describe her as "hirsutorufous." No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,1 silver, and purple. A dressed doll is called a "poupee" in French. It's where we got the word "puppy."(Poopy?) Sound intensity is measured in decibels, from the name of Alexander Graham Bell who measured degrees of deafness. And Bel-Air is named after oilman, Alfonzo Bell.

[1. Impertinent editorial footnote: Tom Lehrer once proved that a rhyme with orange is possible: "Eating an orange/ While making love/ Makes for bizarre enj-/ Oyment thereof." - RJA, ed.]

Skepticism is the longest word that alternates hands when typing. Stewardesses and reverberated are the two longest words (12 letters each) that can be typed using only the left hand. The longest word that can be typed using only the right hand is lollipop. The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. (That's why I just reprinted it here) "I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The term the whole nine yards came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, so if the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got the whole nine yards. The distress call "Mayday, mayday" comes from the cries of French pilots," M'Aidez, m'aidez," meaning "Help me." Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down, hence the expression to get fired. The word Checkmate comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead." Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

YOU DON'T SAY?

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam." Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson." During his entire lifetime, Herman Melville's timeless classic of the sea, "Moby Dick," only sold 50 copies. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery. Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. Hugh "Ward Cleaver" Beaumont was an ordained minister. (David Ossman is some kind of minister -- at least he married me and Melinda.) Marlene Deitrich was an expert at playing the musical saw.
Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? It's Paul Reiser himself, and Kelsey Grammar sings and plays the piano for the theme song of "Fraiser." The only real person to be a "Pez" head was Betsy Ross, who was born with a fully formed set of teeth. Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ? In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. Virgina Woolf wrote all her books standing. Alexander the Great was an epileptic. Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox.

WHAT'S IN A NAME...

The most common name in the world is Mohammed. Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy. Bob Dylan's real name is Robert Zimmerman. Dr. Seuss pronounced his name so that it rhymed with "rejoice." The names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru: See no evil, Mikazaru: Hear no evil, and Mazaru: Speak no evil. The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village." Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula." ABBA got their name by taking the first letter from each of their first names -- Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny and Anni-frid. The Beatles' song "Dear Prudence" was written about Mia Farrow's sister, Prudence, when she wouldn't come out and play at a religious retreat in India. John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles. St. Stephen is the patron saint of bricklayers and Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box. Woof.
The word "samba" means "to rub navels together." The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called "aglets." Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. The term "skyscraper" was first used way back in 1888 to describe an 11-story building. To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles. The first song played on Armed Forces Radio during operation Desert Shield was "Rock the Casbah" by the Clash. Al Capone's business card said he was "a used furniture dealer."

WHO CARES?

They don't eat cheese in China. Charlie Brown's father was a barber. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation. Spot, Data's cat on "Star Trek: The Next Generation," was played by six different cats. In Mel Brooks' "Silent Movie," mime Marcel Marceau is the only person who has a speaking role. Almonds are members of the peach family. If injected intravenously, nutmeg is extremely poisonous. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
Coca-Cola was originally green. Drivers tend to drive faster when other cars are around. It doesn't matter whether they are in front, behind, or beside them. And no one knows why, but 90 percent of women who walk into a department store immediately turn to the right. The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards. The ashes of the metal magnesium are heavier than magnesium itself. Ingrown toenails are hereditary. Charles de Gaulle's final words were, "It hurts."

WHY EVEN BODY?

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself. The term, "the liver, " not the heart, is the sign of romance in northern Morocco as in "Darling, you have stolen my liver." A small tribe named the Todas in southern India does't greet each other with a handshake, they thumb their noses.
The world's largest wine cask is in Heidelberg, Germany. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. Texas is the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. San Francisco cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

TAKE A NUMBER

Every single day, Los Angelinos drive 142 million miles -- the distance from Earth to Mars. A cab ride from New York to Los Angeles costs $6,000. Barbie's measurements if she were lifesize: 39-23-33. The average man owns 22 ties. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie (and the glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher). The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows. There is enough stone in the Great Wall of China to build an eight-foot wall circling the globe at the equator. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62 oz. A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. In the U.S. there are four times more astrologers than astronomers.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes and has a vocabulary of 45,000 words. Leonardo da Vinci spent twelve years painting the Mona Lisa's lips. Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks. Pulp Fiction cost $8 million to make - $5 million going to actor's salaries. All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. (Looks like a Happy Face) The brightest star in the sky, Sirius, gives out twenty-six times as much light as the Sun. There are over 3 million lakes in Alaska. The largest, Lake Iliamna, is the size of Connecticut. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city. The host team in an NFL football game must have 26 footballs inflated and ready to play.

OUR NUMBER'S UP

Because they are on opposite sides of the San Andrea's fault, Los Angeles and San Francisco become 2.5 inches closer together each year. Up to three thousand species of trees have been cataloged in one square mile of the Amazon jungle. Worldwide, about 40 square miles of land are transformed into desert each day. Each day is 0.00000002 seconds longer than the one before because the Earth is gradually slowing down. Among American cash crops, marijuana outranks corn in yearly value. You lose half your body heat through your head. Just a moderate sunburn can cause such damage to the blood vessels that it takes three to ten months for them to return to their normal condition.
China employed over 6 million people on their 1990 census. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%. One in five American men have spent at least one night in jail. Worldwide, there are more statues of Joan of Arc than of anyone else. France alone has about 40,000 of them. At one time in Holland it took four years to train to be a hatmaker but only three years to train to be a surgeon. A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of Guinness beer. A plucked eyebrow takes about 90 days to grow back. Most people have at least 25 moles. 91% of us have bought our pets holiday gifts.

BUT FIRST...

First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver." The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. The time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize that this was the day of the changeover. The annex at the Mark Taper Forum at the Music Center in downtown Los Angeles was originally the city morgue. (The fabulous invalid lives...)

IT'S HISTORY...

When North America was first settled, beavers there grew to the size of bears. All office-seekers in the Roman empire were obliged to wear a certain white toga for a period of one year before the election. The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." The oldest national flag still in existence, that of Denmark, dates back to the 13th century. During 18th-century France, visitors to the royal palace in Versailles were allowed to stand in a roped-off section of the main dining room and watch the king and queen eat. The original Marquis of Queensbury rules for modern boxing stipulated no fighter could put springs in his shoes. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." Thus, the name of the Don McLean song.

THE CHAOS THEORY LIVES

In the Arctic, the sun sometimes appears to be square. The temperature in eastern Siberia can get so cold that the moisture in a person's breath can freeze in the air and fall to the ground. Due to its reclining S shape, the sun rises on the Pacific Coast and sets on the Atlantic Coast in the Isthmus of Panama. Uranus is the only planet that rotates on its side. The only planet without a ring is earth.

P.P.S. Thanks to you all, and especially to L.M.. Boyd of Sampler fame, (who seems now to have disappeared), and if you really can't get enough of this stuff, go out and buy every edition you can find of "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader" by the Bathroom Readers' Institute, St Martin's Griffin, NY.

Oh, I almost forgot: the average woman's bra size is 34B.

Published 2/09/98