"StoP tHe LOggiNg oR wE wIll coNtInUE To kiLl oNe
CeleBrITy EacH WeEk. TheRe aRe No SkIinG aCciDenTS."
(the TrEeS)

 

STARRSTRUCK -- BY SPIN DOCTOR SEUSS

I'm here to ask as you'll soon see
Did you grope Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?

I did not do that here nor there--
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that near or far --
I did not do that Starr-You-Are.

Did you smile? Did you flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie
When called upon to testify?

I do not like you Starr-You-Are --
I think that you have gone too far.
I will not answer any more --
Perhaps I will go start a war.
The public's easy to distract --
When bombs are falling on Iraq!

 

RUMORGATE

(The best of the worst) What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? Only 1500 people went down on the Titanic."... What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did? -- A dead girlfriend... What's the most popular game at the White House? -- Swallow the leader!... How Does Hillary feel? -- She may be the First Lady, but she won't be the last... Don't feel sorry for Monica, she'll be back on her knees in no time. But as the DeNiro character said in "WAG THE DOG" according to Hank Rosenfeld: "If the TALE were bigger than the Dog, the tale would wag the dog..."

 

********************************************************************
WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet
********************************************************************

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their in box or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes. Symptoms include the following:

Willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking; the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others; a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true. Seek help immediately at:

Symantec Anti Virus Research Center --
http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html

Dr. Solomons Hoax Page --
http://www.drsolomon.com/vircen/vanalyse/va005.html

The Urban Legends Web Site --
http://www.urbanlegends.com

 

SALE ON FILLIES!

An Amish boy accompanied his father to a horse auction. He watched his father enter a stall, bend down, and run his hands up and down the animal's legs. "What are you doing, Dad?" the boy asked. "This is the way you decide whether or not to buy a horse," his father replied.

The boy's face grew serious. "Gee, Dad, we better hurry home. The milk man stopped in yesterday and I think he wants to buy Mommy!"

 

UN-UNITED STATE MOTTOS

Kansas: Toto isn't here anymore.
Wisconsin: Wear cheese or die.
Oklahoma: Rather Sooner than Later.
Hawaii: Try our lei-away program.
Mississippi: Elvis was born here, but heck, even he left.
California: Hey, with this many of us, we can make it legal!
New Jersey: Waste not ... send it here instead.
Nevada: Two to one you'll come again!
Washington: If we'd meant DC, we'd have said DC, stupid.
Massachusetts: Taxus Por Un Fortunat Bums.
Tennessee: To stay here, you'd HAVE to be a Volunteer!
Alabama: At least you're not in Mississippi.
Idaho: And don't even joke about the &%$#)%^ potatoes!
West Virginia: Well, it sounded better than Eastern Ohio...
Florida: Give me your sick, your old, your rich retirees...
Montana: Where men are men and sheep are scared...
South Carolina: Settled by prisoners, what do you expect.
North Carolina: Furniture out the wazoo.
Maryland: The best place to get crabs.
Nebraska: Not much to look at, but we sure have a lot of it.
Alaska: Colder than a polar bear's patoot.
South Dakota: To rent this space call 1-800-SEE-COWS.
Michigan: Where cars used to come from.
Arkansas: Send us your contributions, we'll send you our Bill...
Wyoming: More elk than people, but not much traffic.
Delaware: Parking for Dupont employees only.
Ohio: The pillow state - round on the ends, hi in the middle & full of fluff.
Missouri: We love company...

(From majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org)

 

WILLY TWICE

Foe those of you who didn't experience it, that means WWII, the big one! I recently added voices to Steven Spielbergís next epic, "Saving Private Ryan" starring Tom Hanks, which depicts war as never before. We worked with a fascinating character, military advisor, Dale Dye, and I brought along a book called "WWII: Strange and Fascinating Facts" by Don McCombs and Fred L. Worth (Crown 1983). Among those facts are these:

* HIROSHIMA UNIVERSITY: Site of the clock tower... [whose] hands are permanently frozen at 8:15, the time the atomic bomb detonated on August 6, 1945. Ironically, this did not occur because of the bomb; the clock had stopped several days previously for no explainable reason.

* HIS: Name of President Franklin D. Roosevelt's pistol, which he kept under his pillow... Eleanor also had a pistol that she carried... called "Hers."

* HITLER: Although Hitler's name is synonymous with Nazism... Hitler was not a true Nazi (a word coined by journalist Konrad Heiden as a term of derision for the "Nasos" which stood for members of the NSDAP or National Socialist German Workers' Party). Hitler was not a nationalist; his brutal destruction of Germany proves this. He was not a Socialist, as in 1934 he killed off the Party's Socialists during the Roehm purge; he was never a member of the working class and being born in Austria, wasn't even a German. It is also now common knowledge that he was one-quarter Jewish, and his birth name was Schickelgruber.

Don't follow leaders, watch your parking meters!

 

ANOTHER WAR STORY

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. but the train was extremely crowded and he couldn't find a seat.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other with room for two people on each seat and on one side sat a proper looking older British lady with a small dog in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady replied haughtily, "You Americans are so rude. Can't you see my dog is sitting there"?

"Lady, I love dogs," he said patiently, "I have a couple at home and I'd be glad to hold your dog if I can just sit down." The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant." "Lady," he replied wearily, "I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with no decent rest. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?"

The lady said, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious. "And with that comment, the soldier calmly picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down, rendering the lady speechless.

Then an older, elegant Englishman in the compartment spoke up: "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description, but I do know that you do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork in the wrong hand, and now -- you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

 

GRADE ONE COMMENTS

According to Irene S. Sloan, the following proverbs were collected by a first grade teacher who gave her classes part of a proverb and let them fill in the rest....

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You.... Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than.... Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The.... Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before.... Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of.... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.... How?
Don't Bite The Hand That.... Looks Dirty.
No News Is.... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A.... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New.... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll.... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.... Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The.... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is.... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's.... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who.... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is.... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's.... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What.... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And.... You Have To Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As.... Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not.... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed.... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You.... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind.... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like.... Aunt Edie.

 

THEY COME IN AND GO OUT LIKE ANYTHING

Veteran Pillsbury Spokesmodel "Pop-N-Fresh" died last week at the age of 71 of a severe yeast infection and was buried as dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much time on half-baked schemes but even as a crusty old man he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife with whom he had two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Emil Sitka, 83, a character actor who took pies in the face from the Three Stooges, also was recast last week. He played some seventy roles with the trio, including professors, butlers and eccentric scientists and was poked in the eye, bopped on the head, squirted with seltzer water and hit in the head with pies.

After Larry Fine suffered a stoke, Moe Howard asked him to become a Stooge but died before Emil could join the troupe. Emil passed away of complications from a poke in the eye, a bop on the head and a pie in the face. (Patti Deutsch)

 

Published 1/28/98

PLANET PROCTOR
© 1996/2002 by Phil Proctor