P. C. RISTMAS?
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates compared the computer industry with the auto industry announcing, "If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
General Motors responded to this comment by saying, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
MORE things you would never know without the movies: All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555... The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love... All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty... When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons... Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement... Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
Kitchens don't have light switches. At night, open the fridge door and use that light instead... When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear... Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely... Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant... A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness... Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings -- especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident... If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 23.
How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some examples:
Qualifications: No education or experience... Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets...
Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department... Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!... My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable... Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting... Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store... My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet... I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse... I am a rabid typist... Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side... Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business... Proven ability to track down and correct erors.
Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far... I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one... References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me... Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave driver... Procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant... I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail... Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!!
And, excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers from Mr. Heinsohn:
Illiterate? Write today for free help... Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again... Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included... 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred... Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children... .Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel... .Stock up and save. Limit: one... Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale... Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person... Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating... Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary... Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00... For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers... Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition... Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours... Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too... We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand... For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex... Great Dames for sale... Vacation Special: have your home exterminated... Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast... For Rent: 6-room hated apartment... Man, honest. Will take anything... Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first... Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential... Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink... Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.. And at last, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
To Stephane Grappelli, brilliant French Jazz violinist about whom Leonard Feather wrote in 1985: "If jazz had been born in France this is how it might have sounded." And to actor/producer William Alland who appeared as the shadowy reporter in "Citizen Kane" and produced "It Came From Outer Space," "Creature From The Black Lagoon," and "The Mole People."
To David Ossman, who's here to continue the writing on The Firesign Theatre's "Mark Of Bozo" until our Christmas break -- the return of my wife, Melinda on Monday and my mother, Audre on the 19th...
© 1996/2002 by Phil Proctor