"In this life of strife and sorrow, there's always something to be thankful for.
For me, it's not being a Republican."
(H.L. Menken)

 

 

 

SAGGYASS (Nov 22- Dec 21)

This is Cloud Astro, Astrologer to the stars, and we have just entered the field of Saggy, The Horse's Ass, so watch where you step. Don't get spooked because you feel fenced in. How many people can say that they're out standing in their field and can go home to a stable environment? And who cares if you aren't as well hung as others in your family -- they were hung as horse thieves. So giddyup, gluebait! And remember if you fall far enough behind, you're leading the next race. Other Saggyasses are the inventor of cellulite, Francis the Mute Mule, and the Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse. "Blame it on the stars!"

 

 

THANKS . . .

-- to The Fabulous Flying Karamazov Brothers for inviting me, Dave Ossman and producer Rich Goldman to their hilarious opening night of "Room Service" at the Mark Taper Forum. They're here until December 15th and I'll be working with them soon on Radio Free Karamazov for NP. Go laugh! They are amazing.

-- to director/writer Jon Kroll, for a spirited staged reading of his new screenplay "Rocket Love," a sexy, funny adaptation of Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream" with aliens, teenagers and mental patients. (Guess what I played...)

-- to producer of the above, Larry Estes, whose latest film by Chris Eyre, "This Is What It Means to Say Phoenix, Arizona" was acquired for distribution by Mirimax Films. This wonderful and surprising movie about two young Native Americans who leave their Coeur d'Alene reservation to pick up the ashes of the man who raised them, was produced by Seattle's ShadowCatcher Entertainment, run by former Sony executive Larry Estes, producer Scott Rosenfelt and financier David Skinner. And watch for me in "Menno's Mind" from Jon and Larry. Showtime, Saturday, December 15th.

-- to James "Gentleman" Farentino, who graciously invited my wife, Melinda Peterson to join him and Len Lesser in the standing ovation "company" bows in the extended run of "My Father's House" at the Seven Angels.

 

 

...GIVING

You can contribute to the fight against Aids when I make a special appearance with the fast, funny and legendary Off The Wall improv troupe (Paul Willson, Wendy "Yolks" Cutler, Tom Tully, Bernadete Brikett, Andy Goldman and Archie "Eat or Be Eaten" Hahn; music - Jeff Urband) on Monday, December 1, at 8 PM at the Hudson Theatre, 6529 Santa Monica Blvd in Hollywood. $25. Call 818/783-3490 for reservations (and cookies, too).

 

 

DANNY WE HARDLY KNEW YE

Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. For NASA, space is still a high priority. Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. [It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.

I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.' People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy but that could change.

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children. We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world. Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix. When I have been asked...who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.

We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward. I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the Future. The future will be better tomorrow.

As we said on our 1989 Christmas card.

"May our nation continue to be the beacon of hope to the world." --

(Adapted from the book, "I miss Dan Quayle," by PP)

 

 

QUICKIES

From Billy "Bones" Bowles: Yahoo has been purchased by Netscape and the conglomerate is relocating its corporate headquarters to Tel Aviv. The new company will be called... Net & Yahoo.

From Bill Howard: A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." "Yeah, right," said a voice from the back of the room...

Jake Johansen says a lady came up to him on the street and pointed at his suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. "I didn't know there were any witnesses," he replied, "Now I'll have to kill you."

Today, Rush Limbaugh called Perot, "the little hand grenade with a haircut" and referred to the capital of Kurdistan as "Cottage Cheese." Dittos!

And Bruce "I'm Bonding" Fierstein says the ultimate smoke from Neiman-Marcus can be rolled by Dominican cigar masters and named in your honor for only $50,000. (Talk about being "rolled...") While Robinson-May introduced "Gummi Bears - The Fragrance," in seven delightful colors "for the kid in you," from $20-$30.

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." -- Lily Tomlin

"There's something fishy about Digital Television, but I can't put my finger on it" -- PP

 

 

I CRAP A HOBO?

Dr. Scialli sent me a reminder that a neat online site I gave an award to at InVision a few weeks ago is "Acrophobia" from the creators of "You Don't Know Jack." It's a game of acronyms allowing you to compete and converse with up to 13 other unlucky players. @ http://www.bezerk.com/acro/

 

 

AND SPEAKING OF TRIPSOCHORDIA!

In old England, hanging day was Friday, and the hangman's pay per job was 13 pence. That combination, however unreasonably, added another eerie aspect to superstitions about Friday the 13th. (The Sampler)

 

 

DID SOMEONE SAY THIRTEEN?

At Highland Grounds, 742 N Highland Ave. on Saturday, Dec. 6 at 3:00 P.M. there will be a reading of poetry and fiction celebrating the publication of Saturday Afternoon Journal, No. 13, FLASHBACK -- which features work by pals Marshall Efron, Gerritt Graham, Wavy Gravy, Paul Krassner, Tuli Kupferberg, Ellyn Maybe, Edie McClurg, David Ossman, Saint Teresa Stone, John Waters, moi -- and many more...The book will be on sale at the reading for $10.00 or send $12.00 to: Saturday Afternoon Journal, 3090 Lake Hollywood Dr LA, CA 90068.

 

 

THE THREE MARKETEERS...

Three more funny flubs from the wonderful world of global pitching:

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you," but they used the word "embarazar" (to impregnate), so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant." (Well, maybe...)

Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." (What's wrong with that?)

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty." (So...?)

 

 

FLASH!

LONDON (Wireless Flash forwarded by Greg Berger) Stand clear of any woman who looks like a female equivalent of W.C. Fields (she's no fun, she'll fall right over?) She could burst into flames before your eyes. According to paranormal researcher Damon Wilson, the largest percentage of people who have been victims of spontaneous combustion are fat ladies over 50 who love liquor.

Scientists don't really know why overweight boozy broads are the most likely to explode, (sic) but some experts believe spontaneous combustion evaporates water in the body and causes tissue to smolder in the belly before bursting into flames. Unfortunately, most spontaneous combustion research is inconclusive because scientists can't reproduce the phenomena in a lab setting. (Well, they have, but they can't find any proof in the ashes...)

Wilson is the author of a soon-to-be-released book from Sterling called "Spontaneous Combustion: Amazing True Stories Of Mysterious Fires," which will hit stores like a Molotov cocktail in January.

 

 

ARE YOU NUTS?

The Psychiatrist's 23rd Psalm: The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers or my need-dispositions. He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with affective significance, He positions me in a non-decisional situation, He maximizes my adjustment.

Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant. His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me. He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions.

He promotes my group identification. My personality is totally integrated. Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function of time And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever. (Just4laughs)

 

 

BEAR WITH ME...

A hunter was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear in the middle of a forest. He turned and ran as fast as he could until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened and lightning rove the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, confused, then looked up into the sky and said -- "Thank you, God, for this food I'm about to receive...."

Have a hapless Thanksgiving...

 

(11/24/97)

Published 11/15/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor