This is Cloud Astro, Astrologer to the stars! And we are under the burned out sign of SCORCHIO, The Hotshot. I know you think you're a sharp night-time dresser, but it looks like you got dressed in the dark, so slip out of that tie-dyed Mao jacket and re-cycling shorts and people might start taking you seriously instead of just seriously taking you!

You're into safe sex, Scorchio, because you don't get any -- and that's about as safe as it gets. But stop carrying a torch for your old flame -- that cute arsonist who burned you so badly; and stop worrying that the people you've been dating remind you of your breakfast cereal -- nuts and flakes. Things are going to get better. Not for you, but for somebody; and that's a start.

Just look at the other Hot Shots who share in your misfortune: world-class losers like Ed Fnarf, the inventor of the failed soft drink "6-Up", or Alice Catnoosler, who took over a year to build a tower entirely out of matches for an A-Bomb test, only to see her work up in smoke.

Well, don't despair, cause I can change your sign to a better one for the cost of a letter to me with your credit card in it; and the next time you write me it'll be from your new exclusive private suite -- in debtor's prison.

This is Dr. Cloud Astro reminding you to "blame it on the stars" -- and Happy Birthday, Hillary!

Studies have found that sexual behavior can change the structure of the brain -- at least in horny male rats, whose penis-controlling spinal nerve bundle cells actually grow smaller and apparently more sensitive. So, size does matter. But Berkeley Professor Mark Breedlove's (sic) experiments as reported in the British journal Nature, are bashed by molecular biologist Dean Hamer (sic sic) who says that Breedlove put these rats "in a whorehouse and put others in a nunnery, so to speak. I doubt that is a significant factor in humans or even in most rats." Rat on, Dean!

Next, experiments in cross-dressing rats?

In Piedmont, California, on the other paw, a woman and her son were arrested for keeping 150 sick kitties and 250 frozen felines in their home. "They like cats., " explains Police Capt. Fred Gouveta in an Associated press release. "From all appearances these people are collectors. They save everything." But, he added, "One litter box and 150 cats -- you have a problem." Did he check their nerve bundles?

On the political front, and I do mean "front," Newt Gingrich received a letter signed by President C. asking for a contribution to the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee. The jolly Georgian's spokespiece said that the Demos have already worked their way through "foreign nationals, Buddhist nuns and impoverished tribes, I guess Republicans were next on the list."

At the same time, a Republican Party committee "mistakenly sent fund-raising letters to 30 foreign embassies, including China's, seeking $5,000 donations," according to a party spokesthing as reported by Reuters News Service.

And speaking of Presidents and China and money and contributions....

At the Senate Campaign Finance hearings, they finally got around to tracing the Asian Campaign Contribution Connection, and here's a transcript of this week's upcoming session:

Sen. Thompson: (aside) All right, Senator Wright, we're about ready to start. Who's on first?

Sen. W: That's right.

Sen T: Who?

Sen W: That's correct.

Sen T: Who's going to be questioned first?

Sen W: Yes, and here he is.

Sen T: Allright, then, never mind. (The witness is seated) Good day, sir. Wo: Good day.

Sen T: And you are, who?

Wo: No. Wong.

Sen W: You're who?

Wo: Wong.

Sen W: You're wrong?

Wo: Right.

Sen W: (aside) I'm sorry, Senator Thompson, it's not Hoo, I thought it was...

Sen T: (aside) Well, they all look...it's understandable...

Sen W: So, sir, I'm Wright, and you're Wong.

Wo: That's right.

Sen W: And where's Hoo?

Wo: Don't know Hoo. Know Weya.

Sen W: You know where Hoo is?

Wo: No.

Sen W: Well, you can't have it both ways...Do you know where or not?

Wo: Yes, Weya -- but Hoo knows Weya.

Sen W: So you don't know, then...?

Wo: No, Hoo knows.

Sen W: Good. I'm glad we got that straightened out. (Chuckles) Now, let me ask you, who made the calls to the White House?

Wo: Yes.

Sen W: Who made the calls?

Wo: No.

Sen W: I'm asking you tell me who called... ?

Wo: Oh! Hoo called Mee.

Sen W: No, who called the Whitehouse?

Wo: No, no, no....

Sen T: It's obvious that this witness is uncooperative.

Sen W: Let me try a different approach. Sir, we'd like to try to pin down the time of this exchange -- when, OK?

Wo: OK,Wen.

Sen T: You called when?

Wo: Yes. And Hoo. And Yu called, too.

Sen T: (Laughs) I have called the President myself upon numerous occasions, but that is hardly the issue. So, let's get back to when.

Wo: Hoo called Wen.

Sen T: That's right.

Wo: OK. Next question.

Sen T: What do you mean, Mr. Wong, you haven't answered this one yet!

Wo: Wong answer...

Sen T: That's right.

Sen W: Senator Wright, let me try. We want to know who called you -- when.

Wo: I tell you already.

Sen W: How?

Wo: Oh -- How!

Sen W: Yes.

Wo: I know How.

Sen W: Ah. Now we're getting somewhere. Tell us -- how.

Wo: I'm Wong!

Sen W: You're wrong?

Wo: Right.

Southern Sen: Let me give it a shot, gentlemen. You're saying what?

Wo: Hwat has nothing to do with it.

S Sen: Sir, we need to know who, what, where, when and how.

Wo: OK. Weya was with Hoo, Hwen and Hao.

S Sen: What?

Wo: No, sir. Hwat had nothing to do with it. It was Wei -- out of control.

S Sen: Who was out of control?

Wo: Wei, out.

S Sen: Alright, way out of control.

Wo: That's right.

S Sen: So who, then, was responsible.

Wo: I told you, it was Yu!

S Sen: Sir, let's try to keep my political Party out of this discussion, OK?

Wo: Sure...

S Sen: So you refused to answer me...

Wo: I tell Yu everything, but Yu no tell Mee.

S Sen: Tell you -- what?

Wo: Hwat? No, he tell Yu-wenn and Hao!

Sen T: That's it! (Gavel) Get him out of here! (Commotion) Next witness! Now -- what's your name?

Ha: Mee Ha.

S Sen: Are you making fun of this committee, suh?

Ha: (Pointing to self) Mee Ha! Ha! Ha!

Sen T: (Commotion) Order! (gavel pounds) Order!

Sen W: Here we go again...

(Humbly submitted by your disobedient editor, PProctor, all rights reserved and all bets are off.)

(Sung to the tune of "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland")

Lacy things - the wife is missin,
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the store - there's a teddy,
Little straps - like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Marvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress - like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!

(Harris "I'm So Pretty" Mike)

United Nations, jumbo shrimp, civil war, and Greater Cleveland, from Richard da Fish;1 and Christian Science and holy war, from Austin "RCS" Tichenor.

[1. IMPERTINENT EDITORIAL FOOTNOTE: in the interest of accurate reportage -- and not ego -- it was not Richard Fish who submitted the first set of oxymorons above, it was your Humble Online Editor, Richard Arnold.]

More of Dr. John Scialli's word origins from Anne Hathaway's Cottage, BC:

The Clink: The name of a prison in the Southwark area of London. (Melinda and I visited it-- as tourists -- last time in London.)

Bonfire: After the dogs had finished with the meat bones, the pieces were put on a pile outside and to get rid of them, a bone fire would be set.

Cut Off Day: The ladies of the village who made lace to sell to the merchant were only able to take it to him on a particular day. On this day they would cut the lace off the pillow.

Room and Board: An apprentice would journey to another village (as a journeyman) to learn more about his craft. There he would pay someone for his room and food, for his board.

Burn the Candle at Both Ends: The rushlight was a stalk dipped in tallow, which could be placed horizontally in the center of its holder, and burnt at both ends to provide more light.

Bum's Rush: A short rushlight which would burn for a short time, would be used when company came over rather late and when it burnt out, you would want to see the hind end of your guests out the door.

Patent Leather: After the Patten shoe which the young women wore in the buttery. When the cream spilled on their shoes, the fat would tend to make the leather shiny.

A letter I sent to the entertainment section of the L.A. Times was published recently, which reads as follows:

Surely, I couldn't be the only reader to catch the mistake in Laurie Winer's otherwise excellent commentary about "Women, Sense and sensibility" in Calendar yesterday morning. In the last paragraph, Ms. Winer writes, "In the end, men may be from Mars and women are Venetians who actually have faults." Well, she (or her proof reader), let the "Venusians" off the hook, but I'll bet a lot of outraged Italian signorinas from Venice will be very offended! Or is she just referring to Kate in "The Taming of the Shrew..." Inquiring Martians want to know --

A few days ago, another sharp-eyed reader wrote that I had "been hoisted on my own petard" since I wrote "signorinas" instead of the proper Italian. Luckily, no one has yet written in to complain that Kate is actually from Padua...

Ciao, PP

Published 10/25/97

PLANET PROCTOR
© 1996/2002 by Phil Proctor