"I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at." 

NO WAY, YAHWEH

Mona "5758" Marshall tells us why God never received tenure...

  1. He had only one major publication.
  2. It was in Hebrew.*
  3. It had no references.
  4. It wasn't published in any reference journal.
  5. Some even doubt He wrote it himself.
  6. It may be true He created the world, but what has He done since then?
  7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
  8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.
  9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
  10. When an experiment failed, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
  11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
  12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
  13. Some say He had His Son teach the class.
  14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
  15. Though there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
  16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

*Hebrew, according to the Kabbalah, means "the other side of the river." Seems that when Abraham recognized Yawheh as the one true God, he was allowed to move into Canaan, a land of milk and honey, which is now Palestine, a land of bombs, not funny...

 

 

HIC, HAEC, HOC

In 1815, Pvt. John Wilson, a lifelong teetotaler, was sent by the British Army to the Bangalore garrison in India. There, the record shows, he declined the customary daily ration of rum. That infuriated his commander. A court martial convicted him of "an act of rebellion" and he was shot. (So drink a shot in his memory...)

That the first General Motors car was put together by a fellow named David Buick maybe you know. But were you aware it was he who figured out how to make white porcelain stick to iron? That's what gave your grandparents (and us) those shiny white bathtubs. (THE SAMPLER!)

 

 

OLD FRIENDS

Garry Goodrow writes that "Youlissees" is a guy named Mitchell Feldman who often sends funny stuff to a friend of mine, who then sends it on to me. I thought you might like it. (We'll see..)

Are you feeling old? If not, consider this: The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1980... The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived. They have no memory of a time before MTV. "New Wave" is their PARENTS' musical generation and Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks, the Sex Pistols are all old music they have heard of (if they've heard of it at all).

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era..They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. If they have heard the name "Oliver North," it was probably as a losing Congressional candidate. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. Their world has always included AIDS. Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the 1970s.

They see "Family Ties" as something middle-aged ladies watch. They watched "Star Wars" years ago, when they were kids -- on video. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes; they may have heard of an 8-track, but they probably have never actually seen (or heard) one.

From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. The oil crisis is history of which they probably know nothing -- and why anyone WOULDN'T buy a Chevy Suburban is beyond them.

(I suppose they've never heard of The Firesign Theatre, either...)

 

 

THO...?

Edie "the internet nerd" McClurg says, "In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- 'Think!' The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- 'Thoap!'" (Thanks).

 

 

ME-OW!!!

Esther explains how to give your cat a pill:

  1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Nice kitty." Drop pill into mouth.
  2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
  3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand, back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into mouth with forefinger.
  4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
  5. Proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
  6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
  7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
  8. Now pull yourself together. Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...
  9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! It's the claws...
  10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
  11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
  12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
  13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
  14. Roll cat in towel. (Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no human.)
  15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw's hinges (like opening the petals of a snapdragon). Resist thinking about the damage those needle-like teeth could do.
  16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
  17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages and stitches to wounds (yours).
  18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

 

 

LET'S DRINK!

Biermeister Guillaume le Mechant sent us this, in a plain brown wrapper:

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors and the list goes on...

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

 

 

IT'S THE LAW!

In Clarendon, TX., it is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.... Portland, ME., makes it illegal to tickle a girl under the chin with a feather duster... In Borger, TX., it is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind (real party poopers)... Georgia law provides that it is a misdemeanor for any citizen to attend church worship on Sunday unless he is equipped with a rifle and it is loaded... It is contrary to Pennsylvania law to discharge a gun, cannon, revolver or other explosive weapon at a wedding... In Racine, WS., it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep... In Fort Madison, IA., the fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire... A Chicago law forbids eating in a place that is on fire... San Francisco prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.... In Normal, IL., it is against the law to make faces at dogs (hmmm, canine or human??)... Hartford, CT., makes it illegal to educate dogs (see above)... A Belvedere, CA., City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."... In Paulding, OH., a policeman may bite a dog to quiet him... A law passed in Denver says that the dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park... In Tennessee, you can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile... In Cleveland, it is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license... Kansas law prohibits shooting rabbits from a motorboat...Los Angeles law forbids hunting moths under a street light... Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

 

 

PLANET STUPID

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. (Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.)

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. (Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22.)

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. (David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, explaining why he failed to pay taxes.)

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. (Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.)

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. (Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball player.)

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. (Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.)

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. (Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.)

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. (Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, R. I.)

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

 

 

P.M.S.

Dear Friends, there's a lot more to tell, but it'll have to wait til I can find time to sit down and really WRITE! (Hope I don't get taxed for it...)

Love, Phil and Melinda

 

 

(10-8-97)

Published 10/08/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor