"Rejection is God's protection"
(Actor's Mantra from Melinda Peterson)

 

LIBRA THE LIBRARIAN (Sept 23 - Oct 22)

Hello seeker! It's Dr. Cloud Astro, and have I got a line for you. Quiet! Other people are reading this too, you know!

We're presently under the control of Libra, the Librarian, and that's fine, but it also means you probably owe her or him. And not just because of that tome you took out in 1973. No. She/he knows if you've been "booked" at the local precinct, and has probably got the negatives on file.

Shhhhh! If you're a Zebra yourself, life at present ain't exactly "black and white" is it? Or is it "white and black"? Color me confused! Just calm down, weigh the options, calculate carefully and then -- run for your life! You've heard of "thinning the herd," haven't you? Well, the thinner you are, the longer you'll last.

This is Dr. Cloud Astro saying, "Astro-ology is only an entertainment, so keep smiling and paying; and I guarantee, I'll be entertained!"

 

 

MAN AND WOMAN IS THE SAME SEX?

How to satisfy a woman every time? Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How To Satisfy A Man Every Time? Show up naked.

 

 

ESSAY, CAN YOU SEE?

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

 

 

COME FLOT WITH US

There is a current full page color ad for AEROFLOT in Time or Newsweek that really has to be seen to be believed. It says -- "high level of service, quiet comfort, spacious room and gourmet cuisine, home-like atmosphere: from porcelain to slippers... First class - really classy!"

In the "floto" a businessman is working on a laptop which has upon it the image of an elephant flying through the clouds! The man is also smoking a cigarette! The elephant is a striking image for another reason as well, since the Russian word for the behemoth, "slon," was often used to describe the Soviet Union, especially its more bureaucratic elements. "What a country!"

 

 

HAPPINESS:

 

A British Home -- A Chinese Cook -- An American Salary -- A Japanese Wife

 

UNHAPPINESS:

 

A Japanese Home -- A British Cook -- A Chinese Salary -- An American Wife

(From Garnett Sailor)

 

 

P'S 'N' Q'S, CONFUSED?

From directorslashactorslashwriterslashslasher Alan (hic) Shearman: "As a one-time frequenter of pubs and all-time frequenter of etymological trivia, I thought I'd comment on your origin of 'mind your p's and q's.' There are two theories - and both are valid.

"The first is - yes - in pubs, but it wasn't the publican (bartender) shouting at the drunks he was serving; it was the other way around. You would run a tab which was kept on a chalkboard divided into two columns - p and q - for pints and quarts. It was in your financial interests that the publican kept a tally by adding what you drank to the correct column.

"The second theory comes from the printing world. In letterpress days when little lead letters were kept in wooden racks, or compartmentalized boxes, the lower case 'p' and the lower case 'q' (remember they were both reversed for printing purposes) weren't just easily confused; because of their alphabetical proximity they were stored in adjacent compartments. It was very easy, then, to put the little 'q' in the 'p' box when sorting them after printing - and vice versa. Imagine the gobbledegook that could be created. Add that to the lower case 'b' and the lower case 'd' - which upside down also look like 'p' and 'q' and you'll see why litho became so popular."

Thanks, A.S. The editor raises his p and q to you!

 

 

FEMALE TO MALE DICTIONARY

Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass.
I'm a Romantic = I'm poor.
I need you = My hand is tired.
I want a commitment = My hand is tired.
You're the only girl I've ever cared about = The only girl hasn't rejected me.
I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it.
It's just orange juice, try it = (She'll soon have her legs around my head.)
She's kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue.
I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me.
I miss you so much = Help! My male-roommate is starting to look good.
Was it good for you = I'm insecure about my manhood.
How do I compare with your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small?
I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you?
Do you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out.
Do you "really" love me? = You're going to find out sooner or later.
How much do you love me? = Someone's on their way to tell you about it now.
I have something to tell you = Get tested.
I've learned a lot from you = Next!!
I've been thinking a lot and = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
I think we should just be friends = You're really unattractive.
I'll give you a call = I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again...

 

 

FROM THE AMISH WEBSITE

From my shirt-tail relative and editor of the Yoder Newsletter, Chris Yoder, come these reformed Amish funnies: "When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast and the mime next door went nuts. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? What's the speed of dark? How come you don't ever hear about 'gruntled' employees? If it's tourist season -- can we shoot tourists? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? After eating, do amphibians need to wait one hour before getting OUT of the water?" We thank ye heartily, Christian...

 

 

SHHH, DON"T TELL..

Last week marked the 50th birthday of the Central Intelligence Agency and they're having one heck of a party. But don't ask for directions.

These are the same guys who couldn't figure out that Vietnam isn't China, China isn't Russia, and Russians aren't superhuman. And don't ask when the party's over. They couldn't foresee the fall of the Shah or the end of the Cold War. They're probably not gonna know. Keep an eye on the parking valets -- Contras, Mujaheddin, and Hmong from Laos -- or you'll never know what a police dog might sniff out in the back of your car.

Once you're in the door, stay away from the girls. Hookers are a great way to blackmail people. And don't even [think] about the punch bowl. Two sips and you might wake up strapped to a gurney with a field telephone clamped to your tongue, a tape loop of dogs barking in your ears, and one of the MK/ULTRA guys chanting the world "kill" in your face.

If the host says "hello," stick to the small talk. Remember, they helped imprison Mandela, knocked off Allende, and targeted DeGaulle and Nehru (notable extremists all).

But if you're feeling jaunty and just can't help yourself, ask politely what the whole shindig is for. Truth is, they don't even know anymore. The last three Directors were asked essentially that very question during confirmation hearings, and not one had a coherent response.

Still, the guest list is impressive -- world leaders like Noriega, Suharto, and Mobutu; bankers from the Bahamas, the Cayman Islands, and even BCCI and in the VIP section -- see the old guys in the German uniforms? They're the real bigshots, and were here from the start -- fought the Russkies so hard during World War II that the CIA smuggled 'em right in, got 'em good jobs, and even now almost nobody "knows about it" fifty years later.

Ooops, there, I've said too much. Look, enjoy the party. After all, you're paying for it. (From big Jeopardy winner and comic activist -- Bob Harris)

 

 

CONVERT ME!

 From Garry (he was first) Margolis: The Ultimate Metric Conversion Chart:

10^12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
10^6 bicycles = 2 megacycles
500 millinaries = 1 seminary
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
10^-6 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
10^12 pins = 1 terrapin
10^21 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
2 wharves = 1 paradox

 

 

I'M BEHAVING BADLY

Sunday (9/28) on NBC at 8pm EST (as you may have noticed in the network promos) you'll see nondenominational priest Proctor trying to marry Rod Elcard to Justine Bateman (or someone like her) on "Men Behaving Badly" until Rob Schneider has a change of heart. It was a lot of fun to shoot -- Ron and Rod, the director, Michael Zinberg, and the production staff were all surprisingly genuine, creative, professional and kind -- and I think it will be a kick-ass kick-off show. Lemme know what you think.

Also, this week, I've been directing "Go" -- a rich character study by fellow Antaen J.D. Cullum, for a showcase of comic acuity called "I know You Better than I Know Myself." It stars J.D. and the evening's talented producer, Emily Chase, and will be presented for invited guests only on two upcoming Mondays at the Court Theatre on La Cienega. The evening also features a piece by the gifted Tulis McCall. If you're "in the hiring business", come...Wish you could all be there.

 

God Bless to Red Skelton...

 

 

(9/25/97)

Published 9/29/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor