"Speak softly, think loud"
(George Stevens on film acting to Shelley Winters)

APOCALYPSO, L.A.?

(Snore).
A social farce.
Colossal ignorance.

Increased info
galls liars.

Financial ills
fill a loose fool's salaries.

Clan of Israel --
analogical renaissance?

A final sale of oil
and gasoline...

Flies safe.

(PP, based on L. Belling's angrams)

 

 

OH, GOD -- NOT AGAIN!

All hail Pastor Marv Wolfman for more church bulletin bloopers:

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice... GOD IS GOOD - Dr. Hargreaves is better... Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community... The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy... The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why... A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday... Today's Sermon: How Much Can a Man Drink?" with hymns from a full choir... Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" The Rev. Horace Blodgett, Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"... Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"... 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones... The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir... Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

 

 

BUY NOW!

The Catalogues and Dogalogues are coming in -- can Christmas be far off? Among my favorite in the latest "Pedigrees" -- Washable "Piddle-Pants" for cats and Dogs and "Deter Tabs" to stop pets from eating their own waste.

"Dogs that eat their own feces, you know who they are. 'Deter' (c) puts an end to this annoying habit. Works in the digestive system to give pet waste an unappealing taste."

Ohhhh. So that's the problem!

 

 

AND SPEAKING OF ANIMALS...

In 1859 twenty-four rabbits were released in Australia. Within six years the population grew to two million... a sloth never cleans itself and just about everything the sloth does -- including giving birth -- is done while upside down... Elephants have been known to remain standing after they die... The candlefish is so oily that it once was burned for fuel... To keep from being separated while sleeping, sea otters tie themselves together with kelp, often drifting miles out to sea during the night... The total weight of all insects on Earth is twelve times greater than the weight of all people... A cockroach can live for several weeks without its head... The shrimp's heart is in its head... A mosquito has 47 teeth... Mosquitoes are attracted to blue more than any other color... Mosquitoes have killed more people than have all the world's wars combined... The bacteria found on human skin is roughly the numerical equivalent of all the humans on Earth... Human bones can withstand stresses of twenty-four thousand pounds per square inch... In 1936, American track star Jesse Owens beat a race horse over a 100-yard course. The horse was given a head start.

(Wayne Knew it)

 

 

CALLING CNN?

CNN recently set up a 1-800 number so that people could call in with questions and comments about the programming. The number to call is 1-800-TALKCNN. Mistakenly, however, CNN advertised the 1-800 number as 1-800-CNNTALK. Call the second number and you will see why CNN is extremely embarrassed. "SINTALK?" (Don't worry, it's completely toll free.)

 

 

ACK ACK ACKACK, MARS...

(The following California comments are from a compilation by Barbara Thomas and Martin Miller in the L.A. Times.)

"I would live on Mars if they had cookies. Also, if they would make me the king of Mars... Being a single man from Mars and dating women from Venus, I would welcome the chance to meet a woman from Mars... There "may" be some water? Until I get a substantial surf report, no way dude... I'd go any where to get off the 405... I've already been to Antelope Valley. The terrain is exactly the same and there's no life there either... Imagine a 7-month bus ride to nothing but Red Rock Canyon... I say let's colonize Earth first... And just think, 200 years from now we might have an ancestor who came over on the Mars-Flower..."

Writer Roy Rivenberg also pointed out that the lesser gravity would allow colonists to "strap on wings and fly" in a sky much sky bluer than here; and if one took off a respirator to speak, he would sound like "Lurch." Sign up now!

 

 

AND SPEAKING OF ROBOTS...

Robots in Japan pay union dues... It took engineers 22 years to design the zipper... Mailing an entire building has been illegal in the US since 1916 when a man mailed a 40,000-ton brick house across Utah to avoid high freight rates... When tea was first introduced in the American colonies, many people, not knowing what to do with the stuff, served the tea leaves with sugar or syrup and threw away the water they had been boiled in... A lifetime supply of all the vitamins you need weighs only about eight ounces... The New England Medical Journal reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot... American media mogul Ted Turner owns 1.5 percent of New Mexico... Students at US colleges and universities read about 60,000 pages in four years... The telephone was 51 years old before one was installed on the desk of the President of the United States... Prior to World War II, when guards were posted at the fence, anyone could wander right up to the front door of the US President's residence, the White House... (Wayne Knew it)

 

 

DON'T LAUGH...

"It's been a while since we had Jewish humor," states contributor Otis Paul, "and maybe for good reason..."

If you don't eat, it will kill me! Before you read the menu, read the prices. Prune danish is an acquired taste. Why spoil a good meal with a big tip? Never leave a restaurant empty-handed. No meal is complete without leftovers. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants. No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.

If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid. Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.

Always whisper the names of diseases. Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better. Never take a front-row seat at a bris. What business is a yenta in? Yours. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise? Spring ahead, fall back -- winter in Miami Beach.

 

 

WELL I NEVER!

Never use while sleeping- Instruction on Conair hair dryer.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier.

Never accept a drink from a urologist -Erma Bombeck.

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial - Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam."

Never say "Oops" in the operating room - Dr. Leo Troy.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me -Tim Allen.

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire - Dan Zevin.

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap - Member of a chain gang.

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much - G.K. Chesterton.

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" - Rita Rudner.

Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts - Ruth Gordon.

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide - Woodrow Wilson.

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day - Harry S Truman.

Never thrust your sickle into another's corn - Publius Syrus.

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants - Geraldo Rivera.

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant - John Peers.

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room - Winston Churchill to Harris Mike...

 

 

ALL ABOARD?

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

 

 

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO "THE ZONE..."

Dr. Gotsch in San Francisco asks our friend Dr. Science: "If microwaves that transmit information and those that cook food are the same strength, then why don't announcers' brains get cooked?"

"... many a station manager has wondered the same thing. The fact is that in order for something to be cooked in a microwave it must have once been alive, and that's not the case when it comes to many a radio announcer's brains. That's because when these fellows attend broadcasting school, they're literally asked to donate their brains to needy program directors. The program director is the person who decides on programming; most of them are hired because they have little contact with what the rest of us call reality. The result is supposed to be original radio that all sounds the same. Thank goodness, some cities haven't abandoned the all-Elvis format yet... Let the microwaves fly where they will; the announcers can't be hurt." (c) 1997 Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre. <http://www.drscience.com>

 

 

MORE POPULAR THAN?

"It's not hard to be more popular than Jesus right now in England -- a recent study indicated that by 2002 the country will have more practicing Muslims than Anglicans." Adam Gopnick "Letter From London" in The New Yorker.

 

 

AND FAREWELL TO BURGESS MEREDITH...

 

"Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly"
(Lotus Weinstock)

 

 

 

(9-12-97)

Published 9/12/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor