"Doing My Part To Piss Off The Religious Right"
(Bumper sticker in L.A.)

 

HOLY MOLEY!

And praise be to Minister Marv Wolfman for these classic church bulletin bloopers:

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children... The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church... The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done... Evening massage - 6 p.m... The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning... Ushers will eat latecomers... The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment... The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession...

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs... The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy"... During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit... The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience... Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help... The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11... Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary... Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child... Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance... Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

 

LANDSAKES!

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and had noted that women customarily walked about ten feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Approaching one of the women for an explanation, she gushed, "This is marvelous. What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

(Blame goes to Mona "We're moaning" Marshall)

 

DON'T POINT THAT THING AT ME, MAN I...

Puerile penile thoughts from the Iowa Medical community or -- The Top 10 Reasons Why Email is Like a Male Reproductive Organ (From "Naughty" Dennis Naughton):

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
4. If you don't apply protective measures, it can spread viruses.
3. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

OH, SHOOT!

Mike Harris submitted this transcript from the Fullborne List of a recent live radio interview on a regional Welsh station where female newscaster was interviewing the leader of a local Youth club:

INTERVIEWER: So, Mr Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?

JONES: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, shooting...

INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?

JONES: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range.

INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

JONES: I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.

INTERVIEWER: But your equipping them to become violent killers.

JONES: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?

Needless to say, the interview was terminated almost immediately...

 

DON'T POINT THAT THING AT ME, MAN, II...

A strange but true fact from Robert "Killjoy" Lovejoy:

The first episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi" was the highest rated American program in the history of Korean television.

"Chachi" is Korean for "penis"

 

THIS IS WILD...

From Edgar "No Bull" Bullington -- here's a little something that's also all the more funny because it's true...

Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.

They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history.

What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for "Who Gives a Shit Anyhow?"

 

Q&A, WHAT THE HEY?

Q. If I get a racing pigeon, how do I teach it to come back to my place instead of returning to the guy I got it from?

A. You don't. You have to get a pair, keep them locked up, and train the offspring to return to you.

Q. What killed most of the Old West's cowboys who died young? Not gunfights surely.

A. Accidents with horses.

Q. What's "hasty pudding"?

A. Oatmeal topped with butter and molasses. Otherwise known as mush.

Q. How come pit bulls -- instead of, say, Saint Bernards -- have been bred over the ages for ferocity?

A. Size. Pit bulls are small enough to be controlled by strong trainers. If Saint Bernards were bred that way, they'd be too dangerous to handle. That's what happened to the ancient war mastiffs. They became so deadly, they had to be killed off.

(The Sampler http://www.LMBoyd.com -- strikes again)

 

AND JUST THE FACTS

(...and again)

Nobody with the surname of "Young" should remain unaware it was a Young -- William Young of Philadelphia, Pa., in fact -- who first made shoes especially for the right and left feet. In 1800, this. Earlier shoes could be worn on either foot. Forward this to your Young friend.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

Experts say a valuable antique chair in good condition almost invariably is uncomfortable. If it were comfortable, it wouldn't be in good condition.

You know what the polar bears in the Bronx Zoo drink every day? Club soda.

An "industrial debutante" is a common police euphemism for a call girl who works business conventions.

Sellers of ivory centuries ago convinced the English that ivory combs improved the wearer's memory, and many generations bought the notion, and the ivory.

Seventy-four percent of the people who live in New York City live upstairs.

 

HOT FLASHES

I've been cast as a minister on a fantasy sequence of "Men Behaving Badly" to tape this Saturday. I'm still working on rewrites for the Internet game project pilot and will soon be working on the development and marketing of a wacky "strip" show in the spirit of "J-Men Forever" and "Hot Shorts." Had a great visit with Firezine Publishing Lord Fred Wiebel -- as mentioned last orbit, and attended a funny and moving memorial wake for Lotus Weinstock, at the Improv (where the FT "began"), who was booked to play the Big Room last Saturday. If you can find a copy of her paperback, "The Lotus Position," share it!

We lost three saints last week.

 

HOLD IT!

And finally, David Ossman, Wayne Newitt and I have been developing a pilot to replace MUZAK when you're waiting "on line." it's called "Comedy on Hold" and if you'd like more get info, there's an e-mail address: ComdOnHold@aol.com. Our first ad will be in the September issue of Teleconnect. Connect.

 

ENOUGH, ALREADY...

"No thanks, once was enough," said Texas Governor Bill Clements, when asked if he had been "born again..."

(9-9-97)

Published 9/9/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor