"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned
to listen to Rush Limbaugh"
Bob Harris

 

VERTIGO THE PUSHOVER (Aug 23 - Sept 22)

Hello seeker! I'm Dr. Cloud Astro and have I got a line for you.

We're presently under the influence of The Extra Virgin, represented by the fuzzy cluster of stars in the Northern quadrant of the skies that looks like a clump of teased hair. And teasing is in the air. So if you feel frustrated, take yourself out to a good movie. You're a cheap date and you can use the money you save to call my Psychic Astroline -- and I know you will.

But don't feel down, Vertigo, because your magnetic presence and attractive appearance draws people to you like flies; which is why there's always a cloud of cultists, bimbos, gigolos, pickpockets and fakes like me, dogging your every step.

Try to stay on the straight and narrow path and stop listening to your inner ear -- it will only make you dizzy. That's why most people say, "You're no fun, you fell right over."

Other famous Vertigos are Chevy Chase, Inspector Clouseau and President Ford, so you see in spite of you clutziness, you, too, can become a star -- you'll just be a falling one!

This is Dr. Cloud Astro saying, "When in doubt -- seek out. When in debt -- change your name!"

 

LIKE WORMS OUT OF A HOT CHEESELOG

In an L.A. Times article by Lisa Meyer, the airlines incident involving televangelist Robert Schuller was portrayed as something only the Firesign Theatre could have created, because the whole incident occurred over a dispute involving CHEESE, one of our favorite themes.

The self-proclaimed "powerful Reverand" Schuller apparently shook flight attendant Khaled Elabiad (which is Aramaic for "Get Your Holy Hands Off Me!") like a baby, when he refused to remove the cheese from the holy roller's cheese-and-fruit plate (the hyphens make it next to impossible...)

According to Elabiad, when Schuller was confronted with the offensive snack, he "lept from his first-class seat and declared loudly that he did not want cheese."

"I want fruit," he cried. "All the grapes on the plane."

"I did not defend myself, "stated the beleaguered attendant," out of my respect for my uniform...and also because he was a man of the cloth."

Man of cloth, indeed... I would have struck him smartly over the head with a hot cheese log.

 

CIGARS AND PORT IN THE WAAAR ROOM...

Also, in the Times' Restaurant Guide to Advertisers, they recently apologized for incorrectly listing that a local Thai eatery housed a shrine to "Vietnam Generals." Turns out it actually honors journalists lost in that ill-begotten strife.

 

HEY! SEATTLE DOWN!

In a recent issue of Steve Harvey's city-shaking "Only In L.A." he printed a popular joke presently going around the Northwest. (Did you hear it yet, David?)

Seems a Texan, a Californian and a Seattle-ite are in a bar. The Texan throws a bottle of Tequila in the air and shoots it with a pistol. He explains that Texas has plenty of tequila.

The Californian then tosses a bottle of wine in the air and shoots it, saying California has plenty of wine.

The Seattle-ite then throws a bottle of beer into the air, shoots the Californian, and catches the bottle.

"We have plenty of Californians, " he explains, "but I have to recycle the bottle."

 

MORE SUGAR!

And speaking of beer --while back East in Ye Olde Connecticutte, we dined at the Gilmore Inn, which boasts itself to be the oldest continuously operating Inn in America. We could order local domestic brews like Rogue Dead Guy ale, Lefthand Braw Sawtooth ale and Eldorado Bobo's Brown ale; but if we'd been drinking there in the olde days, we could have tasted Whistle-Belly-Vengeance (hot, sour beer simmered in a kettle, sweetened with molasses, and filled with breadcrumbs); Dog's Nose (a mixed drink of hot beer laced with gin and sugar) or Huckle-My -Buff -- a mixture of hot beer, brandy and eggs.

What silly names they had back then, eh?

 

LOOK OUT FOR THE BOMB!

Bruce "The Next James Bond" Feirstein writes: "I loved the computer rules of movies [in the last orbit of the Planet]. After making several additions, it has now been posted on the set of the Bond film."

Then he added this un-credited piece:

(The movie opens in a suburban home, where, the heroine is having breakfast with her adorable son.)

HEROINE : Well, it's a peaceful day! No sign of any disasters!

SON: Mom, do you have a husband or romance interest?

HEROINE : No, Bobby, although I am a top scientist and very attractive.

(The phone rings.)

HEROINE : Uh-oh! I hope that's not a worker from the lab, calling to tell me about an impending disaster!

LAB WORKER : Trish, a disaster is impending!

HEROINE : I'll be right there! (To her son:) Bobby, you stay here and be vulnerable.

SON : Mom, will the disaster end up striking this exact house and placing me in grave danger?

HEROINE : Of course!

(We see an exterior shot of the White House. Inside, the president, looking grim, is holding an emergency Cabinet meeting.)

PRESIDENT : Haven't I seen that exterior shot before?

VICE PRESIDENT : It's the same one they use in the Tom Clancy movies.

PRESIDENT : OK, somebody set up the plot.

SCIENCE ADVISER : Mr. President, unless something is done, a disaster is going to strike in 90 minutes, sending miniature cars flying in all directions.

PRESIDENT : Ninety minutes! Why so long?

SCIENCE ADVISER : We need to build up the suspense.

GENERAL : Sir, we must launch a nuclear strike against Houston!

PRESIDENT : Why?

GENERAL : I hate Houston.

PRESIDENT (To the hero) : Jake, you're incredibly good-looking. I want you to take your minority sidekick and get over to the laboratory immediately and develop a romance interest with the heroine. If this movie is rated "R," she can show her breasts.

HERO : I'll do what I can, sir.

(The next scene is in the laboratory. The hero and heroine are staring intently at a computer screen.)

HEROINE : . . . and so by using the mouse pointer, you can drag the three of clubs over onto the four of diamonds.

(A lab worker rushes up.)

LAB WORKER : Trish, the pantograph is giving us a vector plasma reading in the cosine range!

HERO : What does that mean?

HEROINE : Nothing. It's movie science gibberish. But it's time for the disaster! And my son is home alone!

(The scene shifts to the heroine's neighborhood. People are screaming; miniature cars are flying everywhere.)

HEROINE : This is terrible! Thousands of people are being killed!

HERO : It's OK! They're extras!

SON : Help! Help!

HEROINE : My God! It's Billy!

SON : No, it's Bobby!

HEROINE : Oh, right.

HERO : I'll save him!

HEROINE : Watch out for the special effects!

(The hero, dodging miniature flying cars, saves the son.)

HEROINE : Now we can be a family unit!

SON : With Val Kilmer? I thought the hero was going to be Tom Cruise.

HERO : He wasn't available.

(The final scene takes place back to the White House, where everybody is relieved.)

PRESIDENT: Whew! Although we lost 124 million people, all the main characters survived except the minority sidekick!

(The Cabinet applauds.)

GENERAL : So now can we attack Houston?

PRESIDENT: OK by me.

(THE END)

 

NO MIR! I CAN'T TAKE IT!

KOROLYOV, RUSSIA -- U.S. and Russian scientists are increasingly excited about the Mir space station project, which promises to reveal more than has ever been known about the scientific relationship between weightlessness and mortal terror.

"By stranding our scientists on a dilapidated space station with faulty wiring, loose hardware, and malfunctioning air systems," NASA head Daniel Goldin said, "we have created extremely favorable conditions for learning about spaceborne panic." The two Russians and one American on board the station are reportedly terrified beyond lucidity.

Among the groundbreaking experiments conducted on board Mir: a June 25 collision with a cargo craft that depressurized the Spektr module; last week's emergency power shortage, caused by a disconnected cable; and the periodic release of "dry ice" steam that simulates a shipboard fire. All have been deemed a huge success by agency heads.

"They are in a constant state of what aerospace scientists term 'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives," Russian mission director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have not even used the hull-mounted Alien puppet that taps on the window yet."

"We have also taken huge leaps in our understanding of the patterns created when one wets his pants in the weightlessness of space," Solovyov said. "The urine spreads out in an expanding sphere, something we did not expect."

Taking a break from his busy schedule, astronaut Michael Foale told ABC News reporters: "Where is Mommy?"

"Please tell me the access code to the Soyuz capsule," Russian cosmonaut Aleksandr Lazutkin said. "I would like to return to the chaotic government and widespread hunger of my homeland."

Scientists expect to gain even more useful data during an experiment at 3 a.m. tomorrow. As the astronauts sleep, whirling red siren lights will flood the cabin while an ear-splitting klaxon alarm jolts them awake to announce another crisis with the oxygen-supply system. Detailed scientific data will then be collected on such variables as open weeping, defecation and hair loss.

(Comrade Mike Harris)

 

NUTS TO YOU!

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked out and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Limey pick up the egg. The Scots ran up to him and said it was his egg because he owned the hen; but the Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for quite a while until finally the Scotsman said, "Look. In my family we normally solve disputes by the following: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, and whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this; and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, took a few steps back, ran toward the Englishman and then kicked him as hard as he could right in the jewels. The Englishman dropped to the ground like a stone and howled in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually he was able to get to his feet and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the fucking egg."

 

AND IN CONCUSSION...

The opening quote from Bob Harris is from his touring show, "How to Kill friends and Influence people," which we saw at Creativity in Santa Monica last week. Highly recommended, and possibly playing on a campus near you. If this kind of pinko-weirdo-subversive-leftist crap appeals to you, you can also visit his SCOOP site at http://www.goodthink.com/harris.html (the "com" stands for "commie").

Other r-e-commended sites for soaring eyes include http://www.cybergraphix-anim.com/Comedy-O-Rama/ by the ever-prolific Joe Bevilacqua and Lorie Kellogg.

Also, Fred Wiebel, the creator of the FIREZINE site, noted below, came out to see ME at my home site (there's a switch. Pull it. Or hit me with it) where we recorded some greetings for you all between showings of Edison's long-lost "Frankenstein" which Fred was presenting at the Cinecon in Glendale.

And finally, goodbye to Di and Dodi. What a waste...

"God took their souls to live together in paradise."
El Fayed's Dad

 

Published 9/1/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor