Planet Proctor '97, Volume 42

"Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one."
A. C. Greene

ALABAMA STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION

(last) Name: ________________

(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194__

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:

(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know

ODDS ARE

29% of us ignore RSVP.
71.6% of us eavesdrop.
37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
40% of us have had music lessons.
44% reuse tinfoil.
57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year
Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
21% of us don't make our bed daily.
5% of us never do.
3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations
22% are functionally illiterate.
Less than 10% are trilingual.

IS THE DOCTOR IN?

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

THE EMAIL SONG
(Sung to the tune of "The Girl from Ipanima")

Tall and tan and young and lovely
the girl I met by email's amazing.
Each night she writes me these sweet delights.
I go "ahhh!"

Sweet and smart and svelt and sexy
the girl I met by email says she's
in town tonight, coming down tonight.
I go "ahhh!"

Oh, I'd have paid all my money
just for the chance to adore her.
Just one thing strikes me as funny:
if the babe is so drop dead terrif'
why hasn't she sent me her .GIF?

Short and stout and kinda of greasy
the girl I met by email in person
is nothing like I pictured her to be.
The joke is on me.
Turns out she's a he.

THE MAILBUG

Paul "Mr. Voices" Ross writes that In searching for the prime Versace murder suspect, "FBI agents were armed with photos and turned loose in gay bars...in the old days, they'd've bumped into their boss!"

The Firezine Freditor, Dr. Wiebel writes: The Monster Bash was great and my 'lecture' was well received. A lot of people came from across the country just to see my copy of Edison's 1910 silent movie version of Frankenstein! I also met the Son of Dracula, Bela Jr., the Daughter of Frankenstein, Sarah Karloff, and the Son of the Son of the Son of The Phantom of the Opera, Ron Chaney, who unveiled the new post office, Halloween monster stamps -- plus other 'well known' "celebrities" like Gunner "Leatherface" Hansen from "TX Chain Saw Massacre" and the little mother-eating girl from "Night of the Living Dead," now grown. (And well-fed?) A strange gig for all concerned. I wonder if your daughter will be signing copies of "Dwarf" some day in the future?

TURN YOUR RADIO ON

My wife, Melinda and I are off to the verdant North to perform LIVE at the South Widbey Island Arts Center with Dave Ossman and George Leroy Tirebiter. I'm told the legendary Funnk and Mundaigne, America's oldest living theatre couple, will be there as well performing their version of "Rebecca." It's Friday and Saturday night only! Come see us if you can.

And Phil Austin and his wife Oona, will be up North as well, but for a sadder reason. Oona's dad passed away this week. He was 90 years old.

(7/23)

*A subscription to the Fun and Foto-packed FIREZINE is only $15.00! Send that check to PO Box 585, Hagerstown, MD 21741-0585. (http://www.intrepid.net/~firezine/)

Published 7/23/97